Saturday, December 22, 2012

Day in, Day out

There is a man who tells himself every morning when he wakes up that life is not worth waking up for. He grumbles, he whines, but he does get up. And every few days he is completely surprised anew when he realizes how much he loves that same life.

Then, he goes back to grumbling.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Meanwhile, 20 years before...

***TIME*CAPSULE****         *APRIL 23,1992 THURSDAY 10:49 AM*

I have had, as always several unique experiences since the last time I wrote one of these journal entries. This entry in itself is unique since I am typing it using PC write, a word processing package, that is saved onto the hard drive of my Tandy 4016 DX (386).

I shall begin with the sad statement that it has been almost (well, EXACTLY) sixteen days since I have been intimate with a female. O' the suffering. Anyway, I broke everything off with Angel on a sort of a lark. I just could not stand her immature posturing any longer. Plus, I kind of knew that it just wouldn't last anyhow. She took it quite well, I believe. At first she didn't believe me and then she just went off, after another boytoy. Oh well.

I haven't been partyin with Shawn lately.

Erin and his new job seem to keep him occupied. He cannot do anything without telling her, and she is constantly around him. She doesn't like him to go anywhere, but when I ask him to do something on the weekend in front of her she makes a big production of how she doesn't mind and that she doesn't care, how she is not trying to stifle his life with his friends. And later I catch her bitching at him to 'go ahead and get arrested and drunk go right ahead. Just don't call me tomorrow.' And half the time we don't do anything totally uncalled for. We just sit around, play guitar, drink a couple and go visit friends and such, Hanging out at Kevin's watching him and Sunny play duets, going to Dusty's and getting a little wild on occasion, Nothing seriously outrageous. I save all the really wild ideas for special occasions. I think it comes down to a lack of trust on both their parts. Erin thinks Shawn is so hot that girls are just dying for him all over town, and Shawn thinks that I, of all people, am still messing with Erin. I wish I had never let him meet the bitch, cause that is what she is turning out to be. For godsake's we're only

19!!!! She's only 17! Neither of them know what the fuck, both are too insecure for a real relationship. They need to chill out and have fun. Shawn just wants to stay home and stay high all the time and Erin just wants to be around Shawn to keep him from going out when she's not around. They are really burning out fast on each other and that is only going to end up one way - in them breaking up. But you can't give advice to a girl who thinks she is the most mature teenager in existence and you can't help a friend who lies all the time about everything. So, forgive me, I give up for the time being. Let shit happen on itself and stop interfering.

Back to my life- Nothing happening. I haven't been to class in about 3 weeks. Mentally, I'm burnt out on Cobol and the like.I find myself further and further adrift on a sea of apathy. I no longer care
about a Bachelor's degree in Computer science. At DeVry, I have found, not a delight in knowledge and learning new programming, but a doctorate in greed. Everyone is after the almighty dollar and The business computer programs are  full of the same tedious language as the corporations and their money grubbing masters. I guess it makes a lot of sense that they would be now, on a look back. Excuse me if I thought the computer languages themselves would avoid the overwritten overcliched passages, not unlike some uncertain politician trying to bullshit his way over something he has no knowledge whatsoever of. It is all trite and above that it is so stiflingly boring that it is driving me completely insane! I should have looked further into the program before enrolling. Alas, I was eighteen and had nothing particularly better to do, so in trademark spontaneous Kirk fashion, I was down here like a shot.

And there is nothing that can replace the experience of being on my own and all that I have seen, felt, and learned in the 'big city'. Suzanna, Poon, Greg, Cracky, Richard, Doug, Imre, Mike Latanovich, Mike Brumley, Mark, Kevin, James, Arkansas Dave, Ed, Gary, all the friends I have met and known and learned something from. It's all been an experience that helped me grow up and helped me understand the world and myself better and I wouldn't change any of that. But, the school is not what I was expecting, the programming isn't the kind that I wanted. I wanted graphics and software creation and such - not programs that run payroll accounts and the like.

It is all good, and steady, money making work. But my life is not run on how many $ I make. I never have worried about being rich. I worry about whether or not I will ever make true sense of my existence and how I could contribute any of my stories, poems, or pictures to the art the world already knows. I worry about whether or not some young child will ever read something that I wrote and gain an understanding about something that they did not fully comprehend beforehand. I worry about being happy with myself and having others see me as I want to be: a kind helpful person who would do anything to help someone and expect a little kindness in return... I worry about doing something in my life that really matters, giving to the world instead of just taking and getting every little bit out of everyone around me. I worry about love and I worry about finding it. I can only follow my heart, and no matter how much trouble it eventually gets me into, that is the only path for me. 

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the
unreasonable man adapts the world to himself. Therefore,
all progress depends on the unreasonable man."

                          George Bernard Shaw

"Man seeks knowledge, like the lemming seeks the ocean,
instinct provoking self destruction."
                                                                       -who else? Kirk Fucking Berryhill

Monday, December 10, 2012

Going to work

Some days you just don't want to wake up.

Most days, even.

But you do, and you get up, and you go to work and you take in the day, and you do the best you can with what you are given, and what you can make of it.

And you come home, beat sometimes- bowed, but unbroken. You put on your best smile and you ask the kids how their day was. And you listen.

And you do whatever little things you can to put the smile back into their hearts, when their spirits are low. And, you find that this little bit is enough to put the smile back into your heart.

You love, you live. And you let yourself have a bit of a cry now and then (in between your rages at the world, ha!).

And you get by.

And you tell yourself its all for them- and maybe that's how you con yourself into keeping on, keeping on.

But the truth is, its for you - and them.

Its all about continuing to put a smile in their hearts, so they can smile at you, and put that smile back into yours.

And one day, maybe they'll understand the hardships. But somedays, you don't want them to. You just want them to be happy. And if they never see your pain- maybe its all for the better, right?

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I pass the crown

I believe that i have finally found someone who hates love more than me.

May be kind of odd, that it took me this long to figure it out.

Possibly willful blindness on my part.

People who want to hate love - are just afraid of it. When you've been burned so many times, its just a natural response.

And, at that point, what's NOT to be afraid of? It's all surrender, and never any victory in sight- UNLESS, you just happen to have found your "True Love"

And, well- thats just so much bullshit to me- Even when it involves "happy" couples, but i digress.

And double-blind spot- me- the "Andrea" thing.

So many emotions, I don't even trust myself to really completely form thoughts properly.

- we were always so much alike- and we responded in so OPPOSITE ways.

Like Shawn, both of us saw our Dads beat our mothers- I grew up to despise that, to a sometimes uncontrollable level of rage towards men who even hint towards being abusive to women.
Shawn, on the other hand, gravitated towards a need to control the woman in his life- to the point of violence-when she doesn't respond in the way most desired by him.

And its so antithesis to my being- that sentence above is actually the FIRST time i;ve even tried to understand it. I've beat up Shawn for manhandling a girlfriend. To me, its weakness, its control-freak ultra-masculine, domination psychology. Its Wrong.

And who am i to label my morality on the world around me, but= BUT nothing. Your freedom ends when it impinges upon the freedom of the person next to you.

And, i realize i care- even about the abstract.

And even though i take great pains to pretend NOT to give a shit- i cant deny my own nature,

No more than i can deny Andrea's. She cannot ALLOW herslef the heady illusion of Love, of respect, of self-awareness,.of surrender.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

It kills me

I wonder why I always get what i DONT want so easily.

and the only things i do want are always so completely out of reach.

I know what i love

and it kills me, not being able to love what i want to

it kills me

over and over

Monday, November 19, 2012

Livin

No matter how bad it gets- you gotta love Something-
Find your something, and love it as best you can.
In the end, its not about how much you were loved-

its about how much You Loved

Nurture

Still here...

surprised? I am

I guess. But. I'm a keep-on keeping on kind a guy. Nobody's gonna take care of Amy and Rain, so I have to stay on the path.

They are doing well. I'd love to take the credit. But they are so amazing, I honestly cant fathom that I may be responsible for that. All my kids are so much better than I was, than my brothers and sisters were.

They are damn sure better than both their parents.

And that is, of course, my ultimate goal.

Instill the good things of my self, and boil away the bad.

Give them the guidance I never had- help them to learn from my mistakes- even while I make more.

i fear I'm not a good positive example, but I am a lesson in what-not-to-do.

I think they get it.

Like I say, they are smart girls.

And = LOVE THEM. Love them more than you could ever love yourself (if ever you did).

They can sense it. And sometimes, I see them trying hard to live up to how perfect I think they are, and that's such a good thing. Because they cannot fail me.

They never will, they never could. But i will try to give them reason to excel, to blossom, to live past their own expectations.

As long as they don't fail themselves, I have done what i was supposed to.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Midnight, by Robert E. Howard

Kirk leaned his elbows upon the table and cursed. The candle guttered low. The bottle was empty, and a slow fire coiled in our brains--the fire which devours and consumes and destroys but never leaps into full wild flame.

I looked at Kirk with bleared
eyes. He hid his face in his hands. He was thinking of a woman he knew. The cards, greasy with handling and stained with whiskey and candle tallow, lay scattered between us. The desire for gambling was gone, and there was no more whiskey.

"Cheer up, Kirk," I said. "Listen--I'll tell you: Somewhere in the world the sun is coming up like a red dragon to shine on a gilded pagoda; somewhere the bleak silver stars are gleaming on the white sands where a magic caravan is sleeping out in the ages.
Somewhere the night wind is blowing through the grass of a mysterious grave. Somewhere there is a gossamer sailed ship carving a wake of silver foam across the dark blue of the Mediterranean. This isn't all, Kirk."

"Oh, Christ," he groaned, reaching for the empty bottle, "I wish I had a drink."


(Shameful name changing, I know- but from one Texas boy to 'nother, I think he'd understand)

Crazy parents

What drives me crazy about Andrea is that she always does the opposite of whats best- For Her, for the girls,for all of us.

Like · ·

  • Kirk Berryhill i tred to tell her while she was here. But- she wasnt having any of that. She always had an excuse.

  • Kirk Berryhill Life CAN be a very simple thing- if you let it- you do whats best for the kids- and WOW! Things are better. Amazing, innit?

  • Jessica Love And this surprises you????

  • Kirk Berryhill it ALWAYS continues to surprise me,

  • Jessica Love not sure why you think she is going to change. She really only cares about herself which is sad.

  • Kirk Berryhill Because my girls are so great, i keep thinking she will wake up.

  • Tonya Patterson Gooch Oh sweet Kirk. You can not make someone do what they need to do. You have done your best to bring the situation to light but until she actually "sees" it, it will not happen. You can't change who somebody is. Some people just don't have it in them ...See More

  • Kirk Berryhill I truly cannot believe someone can Never comprehend how important their kids are. But i guess i am just clueless like that. I dont force anything- this was the first time she even saw them in a year and a half. I dont get it. I really dont. My whole li...See More

  • Tonya Patterson Gooch I don't know hun! I would do anything for my kids as well. But unfortunately, some people just don't have it in them. To me, that is one of the most selfish acts someone can have. You know I complain about not getting to do things because I am alwa...See More

  • Jessica Love Kirk all of us see how wonderful your kids are and that is ALL because if you! Andrea was just not meant to be a mother and as much as you would like her to be for the girls sake I just don't think it will happen. Just remember all of your friends love you and are here when you need anything.

  • Kirk Berryhill Sometimes I take it for granted, but i have to thank my Mother for my compassion, and my empathy. She is my backbone. Being compassionate isnt weakness. It takes strength of heart. My father and I - well to say we dont see eye to eye is a light description. There is a time he would have gladly killed me. I think thats passed- but I recognize that he taught me how to hate- and that is a very good survival mechanism. I had the most opposite parents-and lifestyles, growing up- it was very strange. But Now I am who i am- no changing that. And oddly enough, the Love won over the hate- despite my own bad attitude.


Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Restraint


Life aint always beautiful.
 
Sitting here, early morning blues. Andrea’s visiting. She’s asleep on the couch. We had a hear t – to- heart last night. Well, I say that, but I pretty much just poured my heart out to her. Maybe not what you expect= I did tell her I love her. But I never told her I wanted her back.

And sonuvabitch, it was hard to keep myself from trying.

But I just told her how I felt- and focused on how Amy and Rain deserved better, from her. I hope she gets it.

I know I will never love again.

And it’s a bittersweet thing. I want that feeling again. I want to feel alive again.
But I’m nothing if not a realist. And I know as much as part of me wants that world, that life-
I know I’m far too jaded for it now.
Nowadays, a little bit of drunken peace is all that I can hope for.

Time to reflect- Never- to forget. A few drinks in me- it used to be to dull the sharp edge of pain. Not anymore. There’s no pain, really, these days. Its mainly now to numb my self-awareness. Its to keep me from jumping to my next bad conclusion. The final one. And, I can’t go there. I still got to take care of a few things. I gotta keep on keeping on.

And the drinking keeps me on the path, not the opposite, like some might think.
It keeps me from moving forward. Cause I’m always leaping before I look. But in this case, I’ve looked. I’ve looked down the road into infinity and I’ve found the end of my road. And, without a sedative to slow me down- I’d jump right into the face of fate.

So, it’s a waiting game. Breathe in, Breathe out. EASY, mothefucker. Slow down. All things in good time.

I know my limitations. FINALLY. Heh.

So I restrain myself- every day, every hour, every minute. It’s a hard, thing. Heart spinning madly while I struggle to hold my breath each moment.

FOCUS, Fucker.

Focus.

There are the things that matter- and then there’s everything else.
So, here I am.

Holding tight.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Hated, Fated


Dreaming, Scheming

            Lying, Dying

            Those of us who were born to muse-

            Those of us who live to lose,

 

            Hated, Fated

            Darkened, Harkened

            Great are hopes,thoughts, intentions

            Doomed be faiths, ideals, ambitions...

from 1995

Monday, October 22, 2012

Russell Means Interview from 1980

The powerful truth in Russell's words ring strongly in my heart. Amazing, thought provoking, and affirming.

http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/10/russell-means-mother-jones-interview-1980

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Something in the way she loves me

Me: I know how much of love's dilletante that i am
i prefer my solitude in the end
i dont want to share myself
I have my lovers- my fleeting fickle fantasy flavors
to entertain me when I tire .. of... myself
sex really,
there are those I loved- and they burned me so bad, i'll NEVER let that wall down again
and .. i'm kinda good with that
 
Her: I don't need you to be better. I need you to be you.
 
Me: and That, is the nicest thing you've ever said to me, my dear.
That is LOVE
Not wanting a change

Her: Good thing for me im already inside that wall.

Me: able to appreciate that which you love for what IT IS.
I knew there was a reason i loved you.
 
Her: I don't love my version of you in my head. I love you for you. For the fucked up wonderful man i know you are under all the BS.
 
Me: You had me at "I dont need you to be better"

Later in the conversation -
 
Me: and ...
well...
she loves me, and I appreciate her love
even if she is a little off kilter
 
Her: Oh hell. The poor girl. She never had a chance.
 
Me: i have never been one to dissuade someone from loving me
 
I broke up with her when i met Andread
so, she has that against me, lol
and yes- she never had a chance
story of my life
i have my admirers, and thank god for them
I dont have the balls to love anyone too long
 
Her: What one of your girls doesn't continue to dream that she still has a chance?
 
Me: or at least not too consistently
They usually find a man who can give them more attention
and poof
the dream is over
Dreams are for suckers, My love
Thats why they are DREAMS
Reality takes work
Reality is being a Dad and a mom and an employee
its work
I dont want to work for Love
And, THAT is why I'm doomed to never have it for long
 
Her: Id share you. .
 

Surrender

My biggest fear is not that u won't ever be with me.

My biggest fear is that you come to me, and I am not everything you need.

Her: I don't know. That's why I'm in the situation that I'm in. I'm scared of you and I don't know why...

The reason i know that i love you more than ever is that I understand that what is best for you may not involve me, and i want what is best for you

Her: I've never met anyone like you... I've never felt love like that

Whatever happens... I am glad that I have. Just thinking of you makes my heart swell and the day is a little better for your being a tiny part of it


 

 

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

That faraway look we get

Another birthday without my sons.

Just when I finally got over the pain of missing Evan's and Andrew's, Lauren runs two states away with Tristan and I have to relive this fucking nightmare again.

I wish both those selfish bitches a lifetime of pain.

I wish I could pass it on to them, the agony of NOT having your children near.

As much as I despise Andrea, I'd have never took the girls away from her.

Fucking blackhearted whores.

You hurt your sons as much as you hurt me by separating us, with your self-absorbed sense of what is right for YOU.

So, when they get that faraway look later in life, that I was forced to bear, never having my father close, realize that YOU own that piece of their broken soul.

I can't drop everything and change my life the way you did. The boys were all born right here, just like the girls. And I have to take care of them right here. I can't run off and chase you as you run away, never looking back.

And now, Tristan is gone, just like Andrew and Evan.  And I'll get to see them two or three times a year for the rest of their lives. I can't afford much more than that with them both five hundred miles away from their birthplace, in different directions. And I've got to hear you tell me, Lauren, for the rest of your life, just like that cunt Trish, that you HAD to do it. I've got to hear YOUR fucking excuse now, for the next twenty goddamn years. And bite my fucking tongue, lest you decide he even doesnt need to visit me for the summers like Trish decided for the boys when they got older.

One of these fucking days- I'll call in these debts, you pieces of shit. But it won't be til I finish raising the girls. I've still got my job to do, to be the parent, and to raise my girls right- in spite of your poisonous influence on them as well. Because you left them behind too, just like Andrea, in your haste to make it better on yourself.

And you owe for that, as well.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Final To do lists

At the end of the day/s, you find yourself dwelling more and more on the things you've left undone.

Not the things you've never accomplished, not the adventures you never undertook-

But the matters you have left unfinished.

And I'm not the kind of man that doesn't finish what's been started.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Becoming a father part II

The journey from Fiancee's to Nothing was a long one. Made longer and harder by the fact that we loved each other the way only two young lovers can. The letter in part I was the beginning of the end, but it wasnt apparent to us then. We lasted a couple more years in Lubbock, together. THIS letter, was the ending of the end. Although, a little idealism still shines through- I thought she could change, for me- (what else reason did she have?) Stupid boy...
...

You know you always tell me that I don't understand why you WONT or CANT or CHOOSE not to Love my son, my boy. He is a part of me. He is me.


You know you always tell me how hard it is for you to be AROUND my son for two days every other week.


You know you always tell me how much you gave up ...


And still you don't try to understand anything about me.


You don't understand that I love my son. You don't understand how much it hurts me every time you talk badly about him, every time you yell at them, every time I yell at them in front of you to make you feel like I am not treating my son too good. NOT TREATING MY SON TOO GOOD.

You don't understand that I don't know my real FATHER and that I got stuck with some asshole that doesn't love ME. Someone who knows that he is not my REAL father, and everytime I hear you say that you could not LOVE my children because they are not of your blood, it is a knife in my back, reminding me that that is probably how LEE feels about me, just because he is fucked, not me.


People cannot pick their parents. But you know what, they don't have to GIVE UP THEIR CHILDREN.


MY SON IS MINE. HE WILL KNOW IT. I WILL KNOW IT and Now, YOU know it.


I love my son he is a part of me.

I love you and I would sacrifice for you. I would do anything that you NEEDED me to do. I want you beside me forever. There is no one else for me. 
If you cannot sacrifice for me then you do not love me as much as you think.
If we are to be married in one year then it is about time the both of us grew up. I am NOT going to DAMN my son the same way my "father" damned me. I will not reject him.
I will not hurt him to make you feel better about yourself.
He is now a part of my life, and a part of yours. Sacrifice and Compromise are a large part of trust and love. Love is Unconditional.
Please Don't place conditions on what I cannot change and I promise you that I will never do the same to you.


I love you - Forever and always. I cannot fix this hole in my heart, this hollow place that remains dark without the love of a father.
But I can prevent Evan's heart from becoming as dark. I don't want to hurt anyone and I have enough love to be share between all.


"What is given out in free spirit is returned tenfold to the giver. What goes around comes around."
Sept.1995

Becoming a Father, part I

I decided to go real old skool tonight. what follows is the oldest electronic writing file i own. Before I was writing on my computer, i filled notebook after notebook up with my angst, emotion and bullshit.


This is the oldest file on my backups. It was written to Angela. It was 1994 and I had dropped out of college at that time... was engaged, and was very much in love. I was living with her, and her mother, working at a service station (does anyone remember those?) and had just popped the question a week before. We were going to move to Lubbock (we did) and I was going to go to work for my dad, make the big bucks, and live happily ever after. This was the moment I decided was a great time to tell her a big secret I had...
...

3-01-94

Angela,

Hey, It's me again. I miss you. It has been a long weekend...

You are driving home right now, and I worry about you a lot. This weekend has really been an awakening for me. Every time that I think that I've really grown up, something causes me to step outside myself and take a long hard look; and I never like what I find. I thought that I was really getting there this time, to that stage where I can look in the mirror and respect myself as a man. Wrong once again.

I thought a lot about Sherrill's baby, and why exactly it would be
impossible to take care of. Of course, it wouldn't be impossible, it would be a hard thing to do, but it could be done. And I thought about a lot of things - What I had said about Sherrill and why I believe that way. I am a hypocrite.

But I do believe in what I said. My hypocrisy is my inability to live up to my severely high standards for everyone around me. And so, I thought a lot about the entire situation and what would motivate you to want to take upon so much responsibility for such little return. Angie - I love you very much! Your compassion is astounding! If only the whole world were as kind as you - I thank god for him giving me the chance to be with you! Every day I realize
more and more what we can give each other in the form of our love for each other... I understand more and more of committment and unselfish love.

And I also realize more and more of how immature that I have been
acting, even though I thought that I was always in the right. It is not about a job and material possessions! God, what a jerk I have become! I never ever cared about money before! I have said it before, but I guess that my own wisdom escaped me for some time: Greed is the greatest sin of all. The love of money is more disgusting and vile than any other affliction. I had everything
all along - Y O U. My mind has been warped on impressions and impressing. The only thing that matters is my love for you! Making you happy and being happy!

No matter if I had to keep the same car forever! Who gives a fuck. Having things is nice, Having you and you having me is EVERYTHING! That is all. Oh, and one other thing...

Back to the compassion that I have been lacking for some time;
Everything about Sherrill and her child that she may lose because of her bad judgements and mistakes - It all reflects back on my life and the fucked up decisions that I have made in the past. I used to care, damn it! I look at this shell that I have become. You would have really loved the way that I used to be... I believed...in something. In Everything! I cared and I loved life.

I want to be that way again. I looked in that damn mirror everyday at this caricature that I have become and I know that I am NOT a man. Not an honorable man, not a good friend, and certainly not a responsible mature adult. And to you - not the lover and soul mate that I should be to you. I know that I'll never be a man until I erase the sins of my past and take care of what is mine. Yes, I have thought a Lot this weekend. And this is really going to
freak you out and maybe frighten you... I truly don't know how that you'll react. This is big. The only way to say it is just to say it -
I am going to be a father.

Evan Tyler Witcher is my son. And it is about time that I grew up and took responsibility for that fact. It scares me just thinking about it but it also makes me feel really good. That boy deserves a father, like every other child on this earth. It would be the worst thing in the world to deny him that any longer. I love you Angie. I want you to understand how I feel about this.

I want you to help raise my son. I want my Mother and Father to know that they have a grandson. I want my boy to know me and I want to know him...

I don't know how you'll react to all of this, I still am very confused myself. But from now on I will make no idle promises nor any shallow oaths. I am your Fiancee, I love you more than anything in the world that I have ever known or ever will know and I am going to start treating you the way you should be treated and acting responsibly! All I have is some small shred of dignity and honor left but I will be damned if I am going to throw that to the
dogs like I have the rest! So here I am if you will still have me...

                                 Angela Christine Rash,
                            I love you and I want to be your husband
                             and I want to live forever with you!!!
                                                                                                 Eternally Yours,         

                                          Christopher Kirk Berryhill

...
Who would have thought that scarred heart me, was such an idealistic, hopeful, open hearted fool back then? Well, that's how you get scars- by holding out your heart-
Let's just say - it didn't work out well. The compassion Angela had for her cousin's baby was a different story when another mother was in the picture. And, I get that.

The good news is, that I stuck by my guns- and I went back to Lubbock, and I called up Trish, and I became a Dad the same week I got back. And it killed my relationship with Angela. But it was the only thing an honorable man could do. And I may not be honorable, hell I'll let others judge that shit- But I became his Dad- and Andrew's too. And I never looked back and when Angela gave me an ultimatum- my boys or her- it killed me, but I did the only thing a bastard like me, who never met his real dad could do- I let her go. Truth is, if she loved me, she'd have never made that ultimatum.

Years pass- and now she has kids of her own= And I bet you she gets it now. Hell, I know she does.

Life aint never a straight line. And what kind of fun is that, any-effin-way?