This is the oldest file on my backups. It was written to Angela. It was 1994 and I had dropped out of college at that time... was engaged, and was very much in love. I was living with her, and her mother, working at a service station (does anyone remember those?) and had just popped the question a week before. We were going to move to Lubbock (we did) and I was going to go to work for my dad, make the big bucks, and live happily ever after. This was the moment I decided was a great time to tell her a big secret I had...
...
3-01-94
Angela,
Hey, It's me again. I miss you. It has
been a long weekend...
You are driving
home right now, and I worry about you a lot. This weekend has really been an
awakening for me. Every time that I think that I've really grown up,
something causes me to step outside myself and take a long hard look; and I never
like what I find. I thought that I was really getting there this time, to
that stage where I can look in the mirror and respect myself as a man. Wrong once
again.
I thought a lot about Sherrill's baby,
and why exactly it would be
impossible to
take care of. Of course, it wouldn't be impossible, it would be a hard thing to
do, but it could be done. And I thought about a lot of things - What I had said
about Sherrill and why I believe that way. I am a hypocrite.
But I do believe
in what I said. My hypocrisy is my inability to live up to my severely high
standards for everyone around me. And so, I thought a lot about the entire
situation and what would motivate you to want to take upon so much responsibility
for such little return. Angie - I love you very much! Your compassion is
astounding! If only the whole world were as kind as you - I thank god for him
giving me the chance to be with you! Every day I realize
more and more
what we can give each other in the form of our love for each other... I
understand more and more of committment and unselfish love.And I also realize more and more of how immature that I have been
acting, even though I thought that I was always in the right. It is not about a job and material possessions! God, what a jerk I have become! I never ever cared about money before! I have said it before, but I guess that my own wisdom escaped me for some time: Greed is the greatest sin of all. The love of money is more disgusting and vile than any other affliction. I had everything
all along - Y O U. My mind has been warped on impressions and impressing. The only thing that matters is my love for you! Making you happy and being happy!
No matter if I
had to keep the same car forever! Who gives a fuck. Having things is nice,
Having you and you having me is EVERYTHING! That is all. Oh, and one other
thing...
Back to the compassion that I have been
lacking for some time;
Everything about
Sherrill and her child that she may lose because of her bad judgements and
mistakes - It all reflects back on my life and the fucked up decisions that I
have made in the past. I used to care, damn it! I look at this shell that I
have become. You would have really loved the way that I used to be... I
believed...in something. In Everything! I cared and I loved life.
I want to be that
way again. I looked in that damn mirror everyday at this caricature that I
have become and I know that I am NOT a man. Not an honorable man, not a good
friend, and certainly not a responsible mature adult. And to you - not the
lover and soul mate that I should be to you. I know that I'll never be a man
until I erase the sins of my past and take care of what is mine. Yes, I have
thought a Lot this weekend. And this is really going to
freak you out and
maybe frighten you... I truly don't know how that you'll react. This is
big. The only way to say it is just to say it -
I am going to be a father.
Evan Tyler Witcher is my son. And it is
about time that I grew up and took
responsibility for that fact. It scares me just thinking about it but it also makes me
feel really good. That boy deserves a father, like every other child on this
earth. It would be the worst thing in the world to deny him that any longer. I
love you Angie. I want you to understand how I feel about this.
I want you to
help raise my son. I want my Mother and Father to know that they have a grandson.
I want my boy to know me and I want to know him...
I don't know how you'll react to all of
this, I still am very confused myself. But from
now on I will make no idle promises nor any shallow oaths. I am your Fiancee,
I love you more than anything in the world that I have ever known or ever
will know and I am going to start treating you the way you should be treated
and acting responsibly! All I have is some small shred of dignity and honor
left but I will be damned if I am going to throw that to the
dogs like I have
the rest! So here I am if you will still have me...
Angela
Christine Rash,
I
love you and I want
to be your husbandand I want to live forever with you!!!
Eternally Yours,
Christopher Kirk Berryhill
...
Who would have thought that scarred heart me, was such an idealistic, hopeful, open hearted fool back then? Well, that's how you get scars- by holding out your heart-
Let's just say - it didn't work out well. The compassion Angela had for her cousin's baby was a different story when another mother was in the picture. And, I get that.
The good news is, that I stuck by my guns- and I went back to Lubbock, and I called up Trish, and I became a Dad the same week I got back. And it killed my relationship with Angela. But it was the only thing an honorable man could do. And I may not be honorable, hell I'll let others judge that shit- But I became his Dad- and Andrew's too. And I never looked back and when Angela gave me an ultimatum- my boys or her- it killed me, but I did the only thing a bastard like me, who never met his real dad could do- I let her go. Truth is, if she loved me, she'd have never made that ultimatum.
Years pass- and now she has kids of her own= And I bet you she gets it now. Hell, I know she does.
Life aint never a straight line. And what kind of fun is that, any-effin-way?
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