Restraint

Life aint always beautiful.

 

Sitting here, early morning blues. Andrea’s visiting. She’s asleep on the couch. We had a hear t – to- heart last night. Well, I say that, but I pretty much just poured my heart out to her. Maybe not what you expect= I did tell her I love her. But I never told her I wanted her back.

And sonuvabitch, it was hard to keep myself from trying.

But I just told her how I felt- and focused on how Amy and Rain deserved better, from her. I hope she gets it.

I know I will never love again.

And it’s a bittersweet thing. I want that feeling again. I want to feel alive again.

But I’m nothing if not a realist. And I know as much as part of me wants that world, that life-
I know I’m far too jaded for it now.
Nowadays, a little bit of drunken peace is all that I can hope for.

Time to reflect- Never- to forget. A few drinks in me- it used to be to dull the sharp edge of pain. Not anymore. There’s no pain, really, these days. Its mainly now to numb my self-awareness. Its to keep me from jumping to my next bad conclusion. The final one. And, I can’t go there. I still got to take care of a few things. I gotta keep on keeping on.

And the drinking keeps me on the path, not the opposite, like some might think.

It keeps me from moving forward. Cause I’m always leaping before I look. But in this case, I’ve looked. I’ve looked down the road into infinity and I’ve found the end of my road. And, without a sedative to slow me down- I’d jump right into the face of fate.

So, it’s a waiting game. Breathe in, Breathe out. EASY, mothefucker. Slow down. All things in good time.

I know my limitations. FINALLY. Heh.

So I restrain myself- every day, every hour, every minute. It’s a hard, thing. Heart spinning madly while I struggle to hold my breath each moment.

FOCUS, Fucker.

Focus.

There are the things that matter- and then there’s everything else.

So, here I am.

Holding tight.