It's tough out here for a hardass, like me or Bubba.
What else do we got? We had to be tougher than those invisible Dads that weren't here for us.
We had to live with the shadow of their shadows. Every day we lived with the hope and fear that we'd come face to face with them some day... And that we'd swallow all those lost feelings of wanting something that was never there- And kick that sorry fucking piece of shits ass. And, that, is the hardest core there is.
It's hard to explain, I guess.
You want it, all your life growing up, and then you want nothing more than to find him and pay every bit of pain back, with fucking interest. And then you get older again, and you document your own debts to your own children. And you want their forgiveness, and so you reach out, and bestow that forgiveness on that mystery figure of a dad that you never had. Even though he aint there, never been there, and even HE knows, in his deepest heart of hearts thats it nots a good idea at this point to look up his long lost sonny.
But. Its too damn late. We've lived each day like it was our last... for far too fucking long.
And it wears on your soul. You can find redemption. It is there. But accepting it, deep inside, after you've hated life for so long, is another thing entirely.
"There ain't no coming back." This, is a truth. But we can still go forward. But, before I do. I just want to say:
FUCK YOU BUCK ALLEN. Fuck your sorry soul to the pits of whatever hells I can envision. Fuck you for the cowardly piece of shit you are. If you ever find redemption, I hope the knowledge of the children you left behind harries your conscience for all eternity.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Time Capsule 39-winter-sober-captainslog
Girl scouts stuff is killing me... Ugh. 3 meetings this week and we are doing some massive garage sale that we have to set up for Friday and then do all day Saturday. Never mind that I had the first date I've had in six months set up for Friday.... So, maybe cancelling that, not sure how much time its going to take. I KNOW we have to raise money for this trip for the girls to Washington, but jeez this nonstop fundraising crap is a pain in my ass.
It'll be worth it for the girls in the end, but right now it consumes just about every little bit of free time that I have. I got a promotion, sort of= it wasn't a payraise promotion, I just got selected to move to a different team that has more complex duties. I feel good, since I was the one asked for specifically, so that was good. It will open another door in the company, be one more aspect of the system that I will now be versed in. So, that's all good. It isn't an actual position shift, I still have the same office, same pay level. But when annual reviews come this March, I'm hoping this will boost my stock a bit more than normal.
The most immediate impact is that now, I can do all the duties I was doing, plus this team is overwhelmed and short-staffed. So, OVERTIME. All I want. So I go in an hour before my regular 9 hour shift and then work a little afterwards, if the girls don't have anything pressing. Then I can go in Saturday and Sunday too, if there's nothing else on the girls' agenda that I have to handle. The new position is a lot more troubled and chaotic and only one of the team members seems to be on the ball whatsoever, so its a lot of fun for someone like me, who loves to re-build entire processes to my own liking and implement efficiencies that seem obvious to me but which are overlooked by the other employee's mainly cause they just don't give a shit. My brain is always stuck in high gear, so it was a little overwhelming at first, and now, I'm settling in and fixing things the way I want them. So, its pretty much a win-win, all around.
Mmmm what else is new? Not much. My life is pretty much just kids and my job right now. I guess that's all it has been for years, now. ? I have been starting to think more about the book I wanted to write for the kids= the "Primitive Blood" cross-history of Native American philosophy/lore and Celtic philosophy/lore. I need a new computer so I can start the research in earnest. I want it to be almost a bible of a tome of old world tribal heathenism in its most righteous form. I think I'm the best qualified to re=kindle the old flames with a new form of fiery faith.
But, then, I think I'm best qualified for everything, so go figure...
It'll be worth it for the girls in the end, but right now it consumes just about every little bit of free time that I have. I got a promotion, sort of= it wasn't a payraise promotion, I just got selected to move to a different team that has more complex duties. I feel good, since I was the one asked for specifically, so that was good. It will open another door in the company, be one more aspect of the system that I will now be versed in. So, that's all good. It isn't an actual position shift, I still have the same office, same pay level. But when annual reviews come this March, I'm hoping this will boost my stock a bit more than normal.
The most immediate impact is that now, I can do all the duties I was doing, plus this team is overwhelmed and short-staffed. So, OVERTIME. All I want. So I go in an hour before my regular 9 hour shift and then work a little afterwards, if the girls don't have anything pressing. Then I can go in Saturday and Sunday too, if there's nothing else on the girls' agenda that I have to handle. The new position is a lot more troubled and chaotic and only one of the team members seems to be on the ball whatsoever, so its a lot of fun for someone like me, who loves to re-build entire processes to my own liking and implement efficiencies that seem obvious to me but which are overlooked by the other employee's mainly cause they just don't give a shit. My brain is always stuck in high gear, so it was a little overwhelming at first, and now, I'm settling in and fixing things the way I want them. So, its pretty much a win-win, all around.
Mmmm what else is new? Not much. My life is pretty much just kids and my job right now. I guess that's all it has been for years, now. ? I have been starting to think more about the book I wanted to write for the kids= the "Primitive Blood" cross-history of Native American philosophy/lore and Celtic philosophy/lore. I need a new computer so I can start the research in earnest. I want it to be almost a bible of a tome of old world tribal heathenism in its most righteous form. I think I'm the best qualified to re=kindle the old flames with a new form of fiery faith.
But, then, I think I'm best qualified for everything, so go figure...
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Tebow Vs. Romo
Yes, fellow Cowboys fans, another disappointing year. But going thru this post-season, don't let them trash-talk Romo. He did his part this season, and, as the statistics show- was a helluva lot better QB than Tebow this year.
Romo had the 4th Highest QB Rating in the league this year. 102.5. Tebow is at the bottom of the list with a 72.9. Romo was ranked at 7th in the nfl. Tebow? #31.Romo threw for over 4000 yards this year, and averaged 261 a game. Tebow ? His yards per game is DEAD LAST at 123.5.
In every single stat, Romo is at the top of the list, and Tebow is at the bottom. That's what so irritating. The idiots at ESPN spitting out his name every 5 seconds and all these band-wagon morons.
Okay, the guy prays at football games. I, for one, hate seeing that crap - on a deeply religious level. I think it belittles your relationship with God putting it on display like that after a fricking Touchdown- as if your prayers were awarded by Jesus in order to win a GAME. A game that is based on profits and capitalism. The christians who were going around spouting off that this was "God's team" WTF? are truly a special kind of moron. The bible has specific passages on ostentatious display of your "faith". So, prayers or not, Tebow,one of the worst quarterbacks of the league loses in the playoffs. Suhprise, Suhprise, ya'll. There's a REASON why bookies made those ridiculous longshot odds for Tebow to win the superbowl.
Now, enough about the Flavor of the Weak, Tim Tebow. The Saints lost ! Yes! So, my brother won't have bragging rights for the rest of the year. The Steelers lost ! Yes ! They have too many superbowl wins for my taste. I just hope the Packers can lose next.
And as for the Cowboys, the NFL team with a great quarterback and an okay running game? Someone put Jerry Jones in a home for Senile assholes and DEFENSE UNFUCK YOURSELVES!
Romo had the 4th Highest QB Rating in the league this year. 102.5. Tebow is at the bottom of the list with a 72.9. Romo was ranked at 7th in the nfl. Tebow? #31.Romo threw for over 4000 yards this year, and averaged 261 a game. Tebow ? His yards per game is DEAD LAST at 123.5.
In every single stat, Romo is at the top of the list, and Tebow is at the bottom. That's what so irritating. The idiots at ESPN spitting out his name every 5 seconds and all these band-wagon morons.
Okay, the guy prays at football games. I, for one, hate seeing that crap - on a deeply religious level. I think it belittles your relationship with God putting it on display like that after a fricking Touchdown- as if your prayers were awarded by Jesus in order to win a GAME. A game that is based on profits and capitalism. The christians who were going around spouting off that this was "God's team" WTF? are truly a special kind of moron. The bible has specific passages on ostentatious display of your "faith". So, prayers or not, Tebow,one of the worst quarterbacks of the league loses in the playoffs. Suhprise, Suhprise, ya'll. There's a REASON why bookies made those ridiculous longshot odds for Tebow to win the superbowl.
Now, enough about the Flavor of the Weak, Tim Tebow. The Saints lost ! Yes! So, my brother won't have bragging rights for the rest of the year. The Steelers lost ! Yes ! They have too many superbowl wins for my taste. I just hope the Packers can lose next.
And as for the Cowboys, the NFL team with a great quarterback and an okay running game? Someone put Jerry Jones in a home for Senile assholes and DEFENSE UNFUCK YOURSELVES!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Almost here....
"He came like the wind, like the wind touched everything, and like the wind, was gone."
A Memory of Light fast approacheth....
52 book reviews listed on Amazon, for a book that isnt out .... yet.
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7743175-a-memory-of-light
Only a few more months before A Memory of Light comes out. I've been reading this story since I was 22. I just finished re-reading Gathering Storm and begin re-reading Towers of Midnight tomorrow. Fuck Tolkien, with his incessant overwritten blather. Fuck George R2 Martin, with his tv-script plot twists and machavelli worshipping undertow of a moral.
HERE is a writer who drives you to be something better than you are.
Here is the blood of heroes.
Jordan's writing is something Robert E. Howard can be proud of.
Wherever, Jordan is, wherever Howard is- I can only one day hope to join them and reminisce.
from The Gathering Storm:
"A short time longer. He only had to keep things balanced a short time longer. Then it could end. And he found that he was beginning to look forward to that end as much as Lews Therin did.
You promised we could die, Lews Therin said between distant sobs.
I did, Rand said. And we will."
A Memory of Light fast approacheth....
52 book reviews listed on Amazon, for a book that isnt out .... yet.
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7743175-a-memory-of-light
Only a few more months before A Memory of Light comes out. I've been reading this story since I was 22. I just finished re-reading Gathering Storm and begin re-reading Towers of Midnight tomorrow. Fuck Tolkien, with his incessant overwritten blather. Fuck George R2 Martin, with his tv-script plot twists and machavelli worshipping undertow of a moral.
HERE is a writer who drives you to be something better than you are.
Here is the blood of heroes.
Jordan's writing is something Robert E. Howard can be proud of.
Wherever, Jordan is, wherever Howard is- I can only one day hope to join them and reminisce.
from The Gathering Storm:
"A short time longer. He only had to keep things balanced a short time longer. Then it could end. And he found that he was beginning to look forward to that end as much as Lews Therin did.
You promised we could die, Lews Therin said between distant sobs.
I did, Rand said. And we will."
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Great aspirations, pisspoor goals
(another post from my collection of letters and journals)
When and If you decide how you want to live-
How and why you try to feel-
It all becomes a matter of what you wish to give,
Your fear must not overcome your will.
The truth of the soul is what is at stake-
Hidden behind those many veils,
That life is only of what you make-
Is only one of many Hells.
Nothing is certain, that is for sure,
Do as thou wilt, wisdom as false has been shown-
and think not too much, think not of a cure,
There’s no right way to live -You got to live your own.
I am plagued by great aspirations of conflicting goals. I want both sides and I want neither. I spew forth melodramatic fragments of thought and complete nothing. Is my inability to maintain one continuous flow of thought due to this age of procrastination and fickleness of desire, or my own failings as (may I call myself a 'writer'? - well no one else is looking, so why not?) a Writer? Faith! I cannot even complete a paragraph without changing the subject at hand.
I feel that I have so much to say and not the time, or not the ability to put the words together properly. I try so desperately to express what I really want to, but the correct phrases disappear as soon as they cross my confused mind's eye. I fear that I have addled my mind with the drugs and alcohol consumed in such haphazard fashion, romantically emulating my adolescent vision of Poe, courting tragedy as desire, and foolishly expecting glory all this time, still expecting it. Fool that I am, uneducated save by the books that I read so voraciously, not that I would not seek out such education- It is just that I am bothered by such whimsical tomfoolery such as Working, supporting my son/s, (Oh don't lie to them, Kirk old boy,) Oh, very well, I have been living and making love to women and romancing life and doing everything that I seem to think that I have not whenever I sit around and think too much. But still where is my greater meaning? Am I just a beast? When I let myself be, I suppose I am - Feeding my sense of pleasure instead of my sense of well-being.
Even now, I haven't answered the phone all day and I got up to answer it in the chance that it was Angela, my fiancee'. But no- It was Doyel, and guess what? He wants me to drive over and pick him up so we can do god knows what (Hell, I think we even surprise HIM once in a while) And guess what else? Yes- I said that I would be there in fifteen minutes. Me with negative 29 dollars in the bank and not even a checkbook at hand to fling those burning pieces of paper at the cashier at the local liquor store or restaurant. Oh boy- gotta go I suppose. Do I want to or not? I guess that I'm a masochist after all cause I am on my way.
place appropriate self-derision here)
9:30 pm
Later)
Well, that was a waste of time, but not as much of a waste as it could have been, I suppose. We just came back to the house and watched some movies and went to sleep. Not much else to do as broke as we are, not to mention exhausted.
7/7/95
When and If you decide how you want to live-
How and why you try to feel-
It all becomes a matter of what you wish to give,
Your fear must not overcome your will.
The truth of the soul is what is at stake-
Hidden behind those many veils,
That life is only of what you make-
Is only one of many Hells.
Nothing is certain, that is for sure,
Do as thou wilt, wisdom as false has been shown-
and think not too much, think not of a cure,
There’s no right way to live -You got to live your own.
I am plagued by great aspirations of conflicting goals. I want both sides and I want neither. I spew forth melodramatic fragments of thought and complete nothing. Is my inability to maintain one continuous flow of thought due to this age of procrastination and fickleness of desire, or my own failings as (may I call myself a 'writer'? - well no one else is looking, so why not?) a Writer? Faith! I cannot even complete a paragraph without changing the subject at hand.
I feel that I have so much to say and not the time, or not the ability to put the words together properly. I try so desperately to express what I really want to, but the correct phrases disappear as soon as they cross my confused mind's eye. I fear that I have addled my mind with the drugs and alcohol consumed in such haphazard fashion, romantically emulating my adolescent vision of Poe, courting tragedy as desire, and foolishly expecting glory all this time, still expecting it. Fool that I am, uneducated save by the books that I read so voraciously, not that I would not seek out such education- It is just that I am bothered by such whimsical tomfoolery such as Working, supporting my son/s, (Oh don't lie to them, Kirk old boy,) Oh, very well, I have been living and making love to women and romancing life and doing everything that I seem to think that I have not whenever I sit around and think too much. But still where is my greater meaning? Am I just a beast? When I let myself be, I suppose I am - Feeding my sense of pleasure instead of my sense of well-being.
Even now, I haven't answered the phone all day and I got up to answer it in the chance that it was Angela, my fiancee'. But no- It was Doyel, and guess what? He wants me to drive over and pick him up so we can do god knows what (Hell, I think we even surprise HIM once in a while) And guess what else? Yes- I said that I would be there in fifteen minutes. Me with negative 29 dollars in the bank and not even a checkbook at hand to fling those burning pieces of paper at the cashier at the local liquor store or restaurant. Oh boy- gotta go I suppose. Do I want to or not? I guess that I'm a masochist after all cause I am on my way.
place appropriate self-derision here)
9:30 pm
Later)
Well, that was a waste of time, but not as much of a waste as it could have been, I suppose. We just came back to the house and watched some movies and went to sleep. Not much else to do as broke as we are, not to mention exhausted.
7/7/95
The honesties that pay no dividends
(this is a letter I wrote to my Dad back in the days of working at Berryhill)
Dad,
I feel that I must talk with you, and since you refuse to talk, I suppose that this letter will have to do. I don't understand exactly why you act the way you do, but you are hurting everyone around you, including yourself. No one in the world has hurt me more than or as many times as you have. You have made me cry all through my life, even up to the present. From the time I was five years old and you told my mother in front of me and Ryan that you only had one son - Ryan Berryhill, up until this very day, when you lash out at all of us here at the office, you have hurt me emotionally. I always forgave you every single thing. I have always done as everyone here does. We try to ignore the things you do and say and let life go on, hoping that one day you will simply change.
Well, I guess that I realize that you aren't going to change by yourself. I have offered you help in the past, I offered to go with you to Alcoholics Anonymous, as both of us alcoholics, not just me going with you to support you, but both of us together, supporting each other. I would do whatever it takes to help you be happy. Every time you curse me, or Grandma, or Ryan you are only making things worse. I know that we retaliate, at least Ryan and I do.
For a time I believed you. I thought that Grandma and Grandpa had done terrible things to you as a child to make you that way, but then I realized that you treat me and Ryan the same way- Like we are all shit and your life is so bad for having to deal with us. But let me tell you something, Ryan and I have never done a damn thing to YOU. Never, besides rebelling against the way you treat us. I have never done anything to hurt you, no matter how many times I locked myself in a closet as a child, crying, wishing that you were dead, I have never done anything to you. I never even struck back at you all those times you hit me, and up until a year ago I would never have thought of doing so. I don't believe Grandma did anything to you anymore, except spoil you rotten. You treat her worse than any of us, worse than the horrible way that you treat your sons. You curse her and yell at her and basically spit in her face. She is the main reason you live the way you do, expensive car, expensive house, pool, You would not have jack shit if it weren't for her- I know that you would argue about that, but you know that its true. Beyond all of that- Betrayal of family -you also are lazy and don't bother to show up for work half the time. You bitch about working all your life and you need a break once in a while - Well, Mr. Workaholic you have missed exactly 3 weeks and 4 days in the past 3 months. And oddly enough, one of those weeks was a PAID Vacation. You have some audacity, to spit in all of our faces once again, by making everyone work that much harder in order to get things done.
And today, Grandpa and Grandma really need a break, they were wanting to go on vacation but you had to go off on a drunk again, what - overworked again ? I don't think so. You bring a lot of unneeded stress on all of us. I would say that you should be ashamed, but I don't think that you know what guilt or shame is. If you did, you probably couldn't be able to look anyone in the eyes around here. I love you, but you can only beat a dog so much before he bites back, and everyone around here has been kicked just about to death.
Just think about it, reflect on what you want out of life, Do you want us all to hate you? Sometimes I think that you do, it would be easier for you to continue hating us. Well, we all love you, dad. We just wish you could get your life straight.
Your son,
Kirk
1995
Dad,
I feel that I must talk with you, and since you refuse to talk, I suppose that this letter will have to do. I don't understand exactly why you act the way you do, but you are hurting everyone around you, including yourself. No one in the world has hurt me more than or as many times as you have. You have made me cry all through my life, even up to the present. From the time I was five years old and you told my mother in front of me and Ryan that you only had one son - Ryan Berryhill, up until this very day, when you lash out at all of us here at the office, you have hurt me emotionally. I always forgave you every single thing. I have always done as everyone here does. We try to ignore the things you do and say and let life go on, hoping that one day you will simply change.
Well, I guess that I realize that you aren't going to change by yourself. I have offered you help in the past, I offered to go with you to Alcoholics Anonymous, as both of us alcoholics, not just me going with you to support you, but both of us together, supporting each other. I would do whatever it takes to help you be happy. Every time you curse me, or Grandma, or Ryan you are only making things worse. I know that we retaliate, at least Ryan and I do.
For a time I believed you. I thought that Grandma and Grandpa had done terrible things to you as a child to make you that way, but then I realized that you treat me and Ryan the same way- Like we are all shit and your life is so bad for having to deal with us. But let me tell you something, Ryan and I have never done a damn thing to YOU. Never, besides rebelling against the way you treat us. I have never done anything to hurt you, no matter how many times I locked myself in a closet as a child, crying, wishing that you were dead, I have never done anything to you. I never even struck back at you all those times you hit me, and up until a year ago I would never have thought of doing so. I don't believe Grandma did anything to you anymore, except spoil you rotten. You treat her worse than any of us, worse than the horrible way that you treat your sons. You curse her and yell at her and basically spit in her face. She is the main reason you live the way you do, expensive car, expensive house, pool, You would not have jack shit if it weren't for her- I know that you would argue about that, but you know that its true. Beyond all of that- Betrayal of family -you also are lazy and don't bother to show up for work half the time. You bitch about working all your life and you need a break once in a while - Well, Mr. Workaholic you have missed exactly 3 weeks and 4 days in the past 3 months. And oddly enough, one of those weeks was a PAID Vacation. You have some audacity, to spit in all of our faces once again, by making everyone work that much harder in order to get things done.
And today, Grandpa and Grandma really need a break, they were wanting to go on vacation but you had to go off on a drunk again, what - overworked again ? I don't think so. You bring a lot of unneeded stress on all of us. I would say that you should be ashamed, but I don't think that you know what guilt or shame is. If you did, you probably couldn't be able to look anyone in the eyes around here. I love you, but you can only beat a dog so much before he bites back, and everyone around here has been kicked just about to death.
Just think about it, reflect on what you want out of life, Do you want us all to hate you? Sometimes I think that you do, it would be easier for you to continue hating us. Well, we all love you, dad. We just wish you could get your life straight.
Your son,
Kirk
1995
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