I have had, as always several unique
experiences since the last time I wrote one of these journal entries. This
entry in itself is unique since I am typing it using PC write, a word
processing package, that is saved onto the hard drive of my Tandy 4016 DX
(386).
I shall begin
with the sad statement that it has been almost (well, EXACTLY) sixteen days
since I have been intimate with a female. O' the suffering. Anyway, I broke
everything off with Angel on a sort of a lark. I just could not stand her
immature posturing any longer. Plus, I kind of knew that it just wouldn't last
anyhow. She took it quite well, I believe. At first she didn't believe me and
then she just went off, after another boytoy. Oh well.
I haven't been
partyin with Shawn lately.
Erin and his new
job seem to keep him occupied. He cannot do anything without telling her, and
she is constantly around him. She doesn't like him to go anywhere, but when I
ask him to do something on the weekend in front of her she makes a big
production of how she doesn't mind and that she doesn't care, how she is not
trying to stifle his life with his friends. And later I catch her bitching at
him to 'go ahead and get arrested and drunk go right ahead. Just don't call me
tomorrow.' And half the time we don't do anything totally uncalled for. We just
sit around, play guitar, drink a couple and go visit friends and such, Hanging
out at Kevin's watching him and Sunny play duets, going to Dusty's and getting
a little wild on occasion, Nothing seriously outrageous. I save all the really
wild ideas for special occasions. I think it comes down to a lack of trust on
both their parts. Erin thinks Shawn is so hot that girls are just dying for him
all over town, and Shawn thinks that I, of all people, am still messing with
Erin. I wish I had never let him meet the bitch, cause that is what she is
turning out to be. For godsake's we're only
19!!!! She's only
17! Neither of them know what the fuck, both are too insecure for a real
relationship. They need to chill out and have fun. Shawn just wants to stay
home and stay high all the time and Erin just wants to be around Shawn to keep
him from going out when she's not around. They are really burning out fast on
each other and that is only going to end up one way - in them breaking up. But
you can't give advice to a girl who thinks she is the most mature teenager in
existence and you can't help a friend who lies all the time about everything.
So, forgive me, I give up for the time being. Let shit happen on itself and
stop interfering.
Back to my life-
Nothing happening. I haven't been to class in about 3 weeks. Mentally, I'm
burnt out on Cobol and the like.I find myself further and further adrift on a
sea of apathy. I no longer care
about a
Bachelor's degree in Computer science. At DeVry, I have found, not a delight in
knowledge and learning new programming, but a doctorate in greed. Everyone is
after the almighty dollar and The business computer programs are full of the same tedious language as the
corporations and their money grubbing masters. I guess it makes a lot of sense
that they would be now, on a look back. Excuse me if I thought the computer
languages themselves would avoid the overwritten overcliched passages, not
unlike some uncertain politician trying to bullshit his way over something he
has no knowledge whatsoever of. It is all trite and above that it is so stiflingly
boring that it is driving me completely insane! I should have looked further
into the program before enrolling. Alas, I was eighteen and had nothing
particularly better to do, so in trademark spontaneous Kirk fashion, I was down
here like a shot.
And there is
nothing that can replace the experience of being on my own and all that I have
seen, felt, and learned in the 'big city'. Suzanna, Poon, Greg, Cracky,
Richard, Doug, Imre, Mike Latanovich, Mike Brumley, Mark, Kevin, James, Arkansas
Dave, Ed, Gary, all the friends I have met and known and learned something
from. It's all been an experience that helped me grow up and helped me
understand the world and myself better and I wouldn't change any of that. But,
the school is not what I was expecting, the programming isn't the kind that I
wanted. I wanted graphics and software creation and such - not programs that
run payroll accounts and the like.
It is all good,
and steady, money making work. But my life is not run on how many $ I make. I
never have worried about being rich. I worry about whether or not I will ever
make true sense of my existence and how I could contribute any of my stories,
poems, or pictures to the art the world already knows. I worry about whether or
not some young child will ever read something that I wrote and gain an
understanding about something that they did not fully comprehend beforehand. I
worry about being happy with myself and having others see me as I want to be: a
kind helpful person who would do anything to help someone and expect a little kindness
in return... I worry about doing something in my life that really matters,
giving to the world instead of just taking and getting every little bit out of
everyone around me. I worry about love and I worry about finding it. I can only
follow my heart, and no matter how much trouble it eventually gets me into,
that is the only path for me.
"The reasonable man adapts himself
to the world; the
unreasonable man adapts the world to
himself. Therefore,all progress depends on the unreasonable man."
George
Bernard Shaw
"Man seeks
knowledge, like the lemming seeks the ocean,
instinct
provoking self destruction."-who else? Kirk Fucking Berryhill
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