Becoming a father part II

The journey from Fiancee's to Nothing was a long one. Made longer and harder by the fact that we loved each other the way only two young lovers can. The letter in part I was the beginning of the end, but it wasnt apparent to us then. We lasted a couple more years in Lubbock, together. THIS letter, was the ending of the end. Although, a little idealism still shines through- I thought she could change, for me- (what else reason did she have?) Stupid boy...
...

You know you always tell me that I don't understand why you WONT or CANT or CHOOSE not to Love my son, my boy. He is a part of me. He is me.


You know you always tell me how hard it is for you to be AROUND my son for two days every other week.


You know you always tell me how much you gave up ...


And still you don't try to understand anything about me.


You don't understand that I love my son. You don't understand how much it hurts me every time you talk badly about him, every time you yell at them, every time I yell at them in front of you to make you feel like I am not treating my son too good. NOT TREATING MY SON TOO GOOD.

You don't understand that I don't know my real FATHER and that I got stuck with some asshole that doesn't love ME. Someone who knows that he is not my REAL father, and everytime I hear you say that you could not LOVE my children because they are not of your blood, it is a knife in my back, reminding me that that is probably how LEE feels about me, just because he is fucked, not me.


People cannot pick their parents. But you know what, they don't have to GIVE UP THEIR CHILDREN.


MY SON IS MINE. HE WILL KNOW IT. I WILL KNOW IT and Now, YOU know it.


I love my son he is a part of me.

I love you and I would sacrifice for you. I would do anything that you NEEDED me to do. I want you beside me forever. There is no one else for me. 
If you cannot sacrifice for me then you do not love me as much as you think.
If we are to be married in one year then it is about time the both of us grew up. I am NOT going to DAMN my son the same way my "father" damned me. I will not reject him.
I will not hurt him to make you feel better about yourself.
He is now a part of my life, and a part of yours. Sacrifice and Compromise are a large part of trust and love. Love is Unconditional.
Please Don't place conditions on what I cannot change and I promise you that I will never do the same to you.


I love you - Forever and always. I cannot fix this hole in my heart, this hollow place that remains dark without the love of a father.
But I can prevent Evan's heart from becoming as dark. I don't want to hurt anyone and I have enough love to be share between all.


"What is given out in free spirit is returned tenfold to the giver. What goes around comes around."
Sept.1995