There is a man who tells himself every morning when he wakes up that life is not worth waking up for. He grumbles, he whines, but he does get up. And every few days he is completely surprised anew when he realizes how much he loves that same life.
Then, he goes back to grumbling.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Meanwhile, 20 years before...
***TIME*CAPSULE**** *APRIL 23,1992 THURSDAY 10:49 AM*
all progress depends on the unreasonable man."
-who else? Kirk Fucking Berryhill
I have had, as always several unique
experiences since the last time I wrote one of these journal entries. This
entry in itself is unique since I am typing it using PC write, a word
processing package, that is saved onto the hard drive of my Tandy 4016 DX
(386).
I shall begin
with the sad statement that it has been almost (well, EXACTLY) sixteen days
since I have been intimate with a female. O' the suffering. Anyway, I broke
everything off with Angel on a sort of a lark. I just could not stand her
immature posturing any longer. Plus, I kind of knew that it just wouldn't last
anyhow. She took it quite well, I believe. At first she didn't believe me and
then she just went off, after another boytoy. Oh well.
I haven't been
partyin with Shawn lately.
Erin and his new
job seem to keep him occupied. He cannot do anything without telling her, and
she is constantly around him. She doesn't like him to go anywhere, but when I
ask him to do something on the weekend in front of her she makes a big
production of how she doesn't mind and that she doesn't care, how she is not
trying to stifle his life with his friends. And later I catch her bitching at
him to 'go ahead and get arrested and drunk go right ahead. Just don't call me
tomorrow.' And half the time we don't do anything totally uncalled for. We just
sit around, play guitar, drink a couple and go visit friends and such, Hanging
out at Kevin's watching him and Sunny play duets, going to Dusty's and getting
a little wild on occasion, Nothing seriously outrageous. I save all the really
wild ideas for special occasions. I think it comes down to a lack of trust on
both their parts. Erin thinks Shawn is so hot that girls are just dying for him
all over town, and Shawn thinks that I, of all people, am still messing with
Erin. I wish I had never let him meet the bitch, cause that is what she is
turning out to be. For godsake's we're only
19!!!! She's only
17! Neither of them know what the fuck, both are too insecure for a real
relationship. They need to chill out and have fun. Shawn just wants to stay
home and stay high all the time and Erin just wants to be around Shawn to keep
him from going out when she's not around. They are really burning out fast on
each other and that is only going to end up one way - in them breaking up. But
you can't give advice to a girl who thinks she is the most mature teenager in
existence and you can't help a friend who lies all the time about everything.
So, forgive me, I give up for the time being. Let shit happen on itself and
stop interfering.
Back to my life-
Nothing happening. I haven't been to class in about 3 weeks. Mentally, I'm
burnt out on Cobol and the like.I find myself further and further adrift on a
sea of apathy. I no longer care
about a
Bachelor's degree in Computer science. At DeVry, I have found, not a delight in
knowledge and learning new programming, but a doctorate in greed. Everyone is
after the almighty dollar and The business computer programs are full of the same tedious language as the
corporations and their money grubbing masters. I guess it makes a lot of sense
that they would be now, on a look back. Excuse me if I thought the computer
languages themselves would avoid the overwritten overcliched passages, not
unlike some uncertain politician trying to bullshit his way over something he
has no knowledge whatsoever of. It is all trite and above that it is so stiflingly
boring that it is driving me completely insane! I should have looked further
into the program before enrolling. Alas, I was eighteen and had nothing
particularly better to do, so in trademark spontaneous Kirk fashion, I was down
here like a shot.
And there is
nothing that can replace the experience of being on my own and all that I have
seen, felt, and learned in the 'big city'. Suzanna, Poon, Greg, Cracky,
Richard, Doug, Imre, Mike Latanovich, Mike Brumley, Mark, Kevin, James, Arkansas
Dave, Ed, Gary, all the friends I have met and known and learned something
from. It's all been an experience that helped me grow up and helped me
understand the world and myself better and I wouldn't change any of that. But,
the school is not what I was expecting, the programming isn't the kind that I
wanted. I wanted graphics and software creation and such - not programs that
run payroll accounts and the like.
It is all good,
and steady, money making work. But my life is not run on how many $ I make. I
never have worried about being rich. I worry about whether or not I will ever
make true sense of my existence and how I could contribute any of my stories,
poems, or pictures to the art the world already knows. I worry about whether or
not some young child will ever read something that I wrote and gain an
understanding about something that they did not fully comprehend beforehand. I
worry about being happy with myself and having others see me as I want to be: a
kind helpful person who would do anything to help someone and expect a little kindness
in return... I worry about doing something in my life that really matters,
giving to the world instead of just taking and getting every little bit out of
everyone around me. I worry about love and I worry about finding it. I can only
follow my heart, and no matter how much trouble it eventually gets me into,
that is the only path for me.
"The reasonable man adapts himself
to the world; the
unreasonable man adapts the world to
himself. Therefore,all progress depends on the unreasonable man."
George
Bernard Shaw
"Man seeks
knowledge, like the lemming seeks the ocean,
instinct
provoking self destruction."-who else? Kirk Fucking Berryhill
Monday, December 10, 2012
Going to work
Some days you just don't want to wake up.
Most days, even.
But you do, and you get up, and you go to work and you take in the day, and you do the best you can with what you are given, and what you can make of it.
And you come home, beat sometimes- bowed, but unbroken. You put on your best smile and you ask the kids how their day was. And you listen.
And you do whatever little things you can to put the smile back into their hearts, when their spirits are low. And, you find that this little bit is enough to put the smile back into your heart.
You love, you live. And you let yourself have a bit of a cry now and then (in between your rages at the world, ha!).
And you get by.
And you tell yourself its all for them- and maybe that's how you con yourself into keeping on, keeping on.
But the truth is, its for you - and them.
Its all about continuing to put a smile in their hearts, so they can smile at you, and put that smile back into yours.
And one day, maybe they'll understand the hardships. But somedays, you don't want them to. You just want them to be happy. And if they never see your pain- maybe its all for the better, right?
Most days, even.
But you do, and you get up, and you go to work and you take in the day, and you do the best you can with what you are given, and what you can make of it.
And you come home, beat sometimes- bowed, but unbroken. You put on your best smile and you ask the kids how their day was. And you listen.
And you do whatever little things you can to put the smile back into their hearts, when their spirits are low. And, you find that this little bit is enough to put the smile back into your heart.
You love, you live. And you let yourself have a bit of a cry now and then (in between your rages at the world, ha!).
And you get by.
And you tell yourself its all for them- and maybe that's how you con yourself into keeping on, keeping on.
But the truth is, its for you - and them.
Its all about continuing to put a smile in their hearts, so they can smile at you, and put that smile back into yours.
And one day, maybe they'll understand the hardships. But somedays, you don't want them to. You just want them to be happy. And if they never see your pain- maybe its all for the better, right?
Thursday, December 6, 2012
I pass the crown
I believe that i have finally found someone who hates love more than me.
May be kind of odd, that it took me this long to figure it out.
Possibly willful blindness on my part.
People who want to hate love - are just afraid of it. When you've been burned so many times, its just a natural response.
And, at that point, what's NOT to be afraid of? It's all surrender, and never any victory in sight- UNLESS, you just happen to have found your "True Love"
And, well- thats just so much bullshit to me- Even when it involves "happy" couples, but i digress.
And double-blind spot- me- the "Andrea" thing.
So many emotions, I don't even trust myself to really completely form thoughts properly.
- we were always so much alike- and we responded in so OPPOSITE ways.
Like Shawn, both of us saw our Dads beat our mothers- I grew up to despise that, to a sometimes uncontrollable level of rage towards men who even hint towards being abusive to women.
Shawn, on the other hand, gravitated towards a need to control the woman in his life- to the point of violence-when she doesn't respond in the way most desired by him.
And its so antithesis to my being- that sentence above is actually the FIRST time i;ve even tried to understand it. I've beat up Shawn for manhandling a girlfriend. To me, its weakness, its control-freak ultra-masculine, domination psychology. Its Wrong.
And who am i to label my morality on the world around me, but= BUT nothing. Your freedom ends when it impinges upon the freedom of the person next to you.
And, i realize i care- even about the abstract.
And even though i take great pains to pretend NOT to give a shit- i cant deny my own nature,
No more than i can deny Andrea's. She cannot ALLOW herslef the heady illusion of Love, of respect, of self-awareness,.of surrender.
May be kind of odd, that it took me this long to figure it out.
Possibly willful blindness on my part.
People who want to hate love - are just afraid of it. When you've been burned so many times, its just a natural response.
And, at that point, what's NOT to be afraid of? It's all surrender, and never any victory in sight- UNLESS, you just happen to have found your "True Love"
And, well- thats just so much bullshit to me- Even when it involves "happy" couples, but i digress.
And double-blind spot- me- the "Andrea" thing.
So many emotions, I don't even trust myself to really completely form thoughts properly.
- we were always so much alike- and we responded in so OPPOSITE ways.
Like Shawn, both of us saw our Dads beat our mothers- I grew up to despise that, to a sometimes uncontrollable level of rage towards men who even hint towards being abusive to women.
Shawn, on the other hand, gravitated towards a need to control the woman in his life- to the point of violence-when she doesn't respond in the way most desired by him.
And its so antithesis to my being- that sentence above is actually the FIRST time i;ve even tried to understand it. I've beat up Shawn for manhandling a girlfriend. To me, its weakness, its control-freak ultra-masculine, domination psychology. Its Wrong.
And who am i to label my morality on the world around me, but= BUT nothing. Your freedom ends when it impinges upon the freedom of the person next to you.
And, i realize i care- even about the abstract.
And even though i take great pains to pretend NOT to give a shit- i cant deny my own nature,
No more than i can deny Andrea's. She cannot ALLOW herslef the heady illusion of Love, of respect, of self-awareness,.of surrender.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
It kills me
I wonder why I always get what i DONT want so easily.
and the only things i do want are always so completely out of reach.
I know what i love
and it kills me, not being able to love what i want to
it kills me
over and over
and the only things i do want are always so completely out of reach.
I know what i love
and it kills me, not being able to love what i want to
it kills me
over and over
Monday, November 19, 2012
Livin
No matter how bad it gets- you gotta love Something-
Find your something, and love it as best you can.
In the end, its not about how much you were loved-
its about how much You Loved
Find your something, and love it as best you can.
In the end, its not about how much you were loved-
its about how much You Loved
Nurture
Still here...
surprised? I am
I guess. But. I'm a keep-on keeping on kind a guy. Nobody's gonna take care of Amy and Rain, so I have to stay on the path.
They are doing well. I'd love to take the credit. But they are so amazing, I honestly cant fathom that I may be responsible for that. All my kids are so much better than I was, than my brothers and sisters were.
They are damn sure better than both their parents.
And that is, of course, my ultimate goal.
Instill the good things of my self, and boil away the bad.
Give them the guidance I never had- help them to learn from my mistakes- even while I make more.
i fear I'm not a good positive example, but I am a lesson in what-not-to-do.
I think they get it.
Like I say, they are smart girls.
And = LOVE THEM. Love them more than you could ever love yourself (if ever you did).
They can sense it. And sometimes, I see them trying hard to live up to how perfect I think they are, and that's such a good thing. Because they cannot fail me.
They never will, they never could. But i will try to give them reason to excel, to blossom, to live past their own expectations.
As long as they don't fail themselves, I have done what i was supposed to.
surprised? I am
I guess. But. I'm a keep-on keeping on kind a guy. Nobody's gonna take care of Amy and Rain, so I have to stay on the path.
They are doing well. I'd love to take the credit. But they are so amazing, I honestly cant fathom that I may be responsible for that. All my kids are so much better than I was, than my brothers and sisters were.
They are damn sure better than both their parents.
And that is, of course, my ultimate goal.
Instill the good things of my self, and boil away the bad.
Give them the guidance I never had- help them to learn from my mistakes- even while I make more.
i fear I'm not a good positive example, but I am a lesson in what-not-to-do.
I think they get it.
Like I say, they are smart girls.
And = LOVE THEM. Love them more than you could ever love yourself (if ever you did).
They can sense it. And sometimes, I see them trying hard to live up to how perfect I think they are, and that's such a good thing. Because they cannot fail me.
They never will, they never could. But i will try to give them reason to excel, to blossom, to live past their own expectations.
As long as they don't fail themselves, I have done what i was supposed to.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Midnight, by Robert E. Howard
Kirk leaned his elbows upon the table and cursed. The candle guttered low. The bottle was empty, and a slow fire coiled in our brains--the fire which devours and consumes and destroys but never leaps into full wild flame.
I looked at Kirk with bleared eyes. He hid his face in his hands. He was thinking of a woman he knew. The cards, greasy with handling and stained with whiskey and candle tallow, lay scattered between us. The desire for gambling was gone, and there was no more whiskey.
"Cheer up, Kirk," I said. "Listen--I'll tell you: Somewhere in the world the sun is coming up like a red dragon to shine on a gilded pagoda; somewhere the bleak silver stars are gleaming on the white sands where a magic caravan is sleeping out in the ages.
Somewhere the night wind is blowing through the grass of a mysterious grave. Somewhere there is a gossamer sailed ship carving a wake of silver foam across the dark blue of the Mediterranean. This isn't all, Kirk."
"Oh, Christ," he groaned, reaching for the empty bottle, "I wish I had a drink."
(Shameful name changing, I know- but from one Texas boy to 'nother, I think he'd understand)
I looked at Kirk with bleared eyes. He hid his face in his hands. He was thinking of a woman he knew. The cards, greasy with handling and stained with whiskey and candle tallow, lay scattered between us. The desire for gambling was gone, and there was no more whiskey.
"Cheer up, Kirk," I said. "Listen--I'll tell you: Somewhere in the world the sun is coming up like a red dragon to shine on a gilded pagoda; somewhere the bleak silver stars are gleaming on the white sands where a magic caravan is sleeping out in the ages.
Somewhere the night wind is blowing through the grass of a mysterious grave. Somewhere there is a gossamer sailed ship carving a wake of silver foam across the dark blue of the Mediterranean. This isn't all, Kirk."
"Oh, Christ," he groaned, reaching for the empty bottle, "I wish I had a drink."
(Shameful name changing, I know- but from one Texas boy to 'nother, I think he'd understand)
Crazy parents
What drives me crazy about Andrea is that she always does the opposite of whats best- For Her, for the girls,for all of us.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Restraint
Life aint always beautiful.
Sitting here, early morning blues. Andrea’s
visiting. She’s asleep on the couch. We had a hear t – to- heart last night.
Well, I say that, but I pretty much just poured my heart out to her. Maybe not
what you expect= I did tell her I love her. But I never told her I wanted her
back.
And sonuvabitch, it was hard to keep myself
from trying.
But I just told her how I felt- and focused
on how Amy and Rain deserved better, from her. I hope she gets it.
I know I will never love again.
And it’s a bittersweet thing. I want that
feeling again. I want to feel alive again.
But I’m nothing if not a realist. And I know
as much as part of me wants that world, that life-I know I’m far too jaded for it now.
Nowadays, a little bit of drunken peace is all that I can hope for.
Time to reflect- Never- to forget. A few
drinks in me- it used to be to dull the sharp edge of pain. Not anymore. There’s
no pain, really, these days. Its mainly now to numb my self-awareness. Its to
keep me from jumping to my next bad conclusion. The final one. And, I can’t go
there. I still got to take care of a few things. I gotta keep on keeping on.
And the drinking keeps me on the path, not
the opposite, like some might think.
It keeps me from moving forward. Cause I’m
always leaping before I look. But in this case, I’ve looked. I’ve looked down
the road into infinity and I’ve found the end of my road. And, without a
sedative to slow me down- I’d jump right into the face of fate.
So, it’s a waiting game. Breathe in, Breathe
out. EASY, mothefucker. Slow down. All things in good time.
I know my limitations. FINALLY. Heh.
So I restrain myself- every day, every hour,
every minute. It’s a hard, thing. Heart spinning madly while I struggle to hold
my breath each moment.
FOCUS, Fucker.
Focus.
There are the things that matter- and then
there’s everything else.
So, here I am.
Holding tight.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Hated, Fated
Dreaming, Scheming
Lying,
Dying
Those of
us who were born to muse-
Those of
us who live to lose,
Hated,
Fated
Darkened,
Harkened
Great are
hopes,thoughts, intentions
Doomed be
faiths, ideals, ambitions...
from 1995
Monday, October 22, 2012
Russell Means Interview from 1980
The powerful truth in Russell's words ring strongly in my heart. Amazing, thought provoking, and affirming.
http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/10/russell-means-mother-jones-interview-1980
http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/10/russell-means-mother-jones-interview-1980
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Something in the way she loves me
Me: I know how much of love's dilletante that i am
i prefer my solitude in the end
i dont want to share myself
I have my lovers- my fleeting fickle fantasy flavors
to entertain me when I tire .. of... myself
sex really,
there are those I loved- and they burned me so bad, i'll NEVER let that wall down again
and .. i'm kinda good with that
Surrender
My biggest fear is not that u won't ever be with me.
My biggest fear is that you come to me, and I am not everything you need.
Her: I don't know. That's why I'm in the situation that I'm in. I'm scared of you and I don't know why...
The reason i know that i love you more than ever is that I understand that what is best for you may not involve me, and i want what is best for you
Her: I've never met anyone like you... I've never felt love like that
Whatever happens... I am glad that I have. Just thinking of you makes my heart swell and the day is a little better for your being a tiny part of it
My biggest fear is that you come to me, and I am not everything you need.
Her: I don't know. That's why I'm in the situation that I'm in. I'm scared of you and I don't know why...
The reason i know that i love you more than ever is that I understand that what is best for you may not involve me, and i want what is best for you
Her: I've never met anyone like you... I've never felt love like that
Whatever happens... I am glad that I have. Just thinking of you makes my heart swell and the day is a little better for your being a tiny part of it
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
That faraway look we get
Another birthday without my sons.
Just when I finally got over the pain of missing Evan's and Andrew's, Lauren runs two states away with Tristan and I have to relive this fucking nightmare again.
I wish both those selfish bitches a lifetime of pain.
I wish I could pass it on to them, the agony of NOT having your children near.
As much as I despise Andrea, I'd have never took the girls away from her.
Fucking blackhearted whores.
You hurt your sons as much as you hurt me by separating us, with your self-absorbed sense of what is right for YOU.
So, when they get that faraway look later in life, that I was forced to bear, never having my father close, realize that YOU own that piece of their broken soul.
I can't drop everything and change my life the way you did. The boys were all born right here, just like the girls. And I have to take care of them right here. I can't run off and chase you as you run away, never looking back.
And now, Tristan is gone, just like Andrew and Evan. And I'll get to see them two or three times a year for the rest of their lives. I can't afford much more than that with them both five hundred miles away from their birthplace, in different directions. And I've got to hear you tell me, Lauren, for the rest of your life, just like that cunt Trish, that you HAD to do it. I've got to hear YOUR fucking excuse now, for the next twenty goddamn years. And bite my fucking tongue, lest you decide he even doesnt need to visit me for the summers like Trish decided for the boys when they got older.
One of these fucking days- I'll call in these debts, you pieces of shit. But it won't be til I finish raising the girls. I've still got my job to do, to be the parent, and to raise my girls right- in spite of your poisonous influence on them as well. Because you left them behind too, just like Andrea, in your haste to make it better on yourself.
And you owe for that, as well.
Just when I finally got over the pain of missing Evan's and Andrew's, Lauren runs two states away with Tristan and I have to relive this fucking nightmare again.
I wish both those selfish bitches a lifetime of pain.
I wish I could pass it on to them, the agony of NOT having your children near.
As much as I despise Andrea, I'd have never took the girls away from her.
Fucking blackhearted whores.
You hurt your sons as much as you hurt me by separating us, with your self-absorbed sense of what is right for YOU.
So, when they get that faraway look later in life, that I was forced to bear, never having my father close, realize that YOU own that piece of their broken soul.
I can't drop everything and change my life the way you did. The boys were all born right here, just like the girls. And I have to take care of them right here. I can't run off and chase you as you run away, never looking back.
And now, Tristan is gone, just like Andrew and Evan. And I'll get to see them two or three times a year for the rest of their lives. I can't afford much more than that with them both five hundred miles away from their birthplace, in different directions. And I've got to hear you tell me, Lauren, for the rest of your life, just like that cunt Trish, that you HAD to do it. I've got to hear YOUR fucking excuse now, for the next twenty goddamn years. And bite my fucking tongue, lest you decide he even doesnt need to visit me for the summers like Trish decided for the boys when they got older.
One of these fucking days- I'll call in these debts, you pieces of shit. But it won't be til I finish raising the girls. I've still got my job to do, to be the parent, and to raise my girls right- in spite of your poisonous influence on them as well. Because you left them behind too, just like Andrea, in your haste to make it better on yourself.
And you owe for that, as well.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Final To do lists
At the end of the day/s, you find yourself dwelling more and more on the things you've left undone.
Not the things you've never accomplished, not the adventures you never undertook-
But the matters you have left unfinished.
And I'm not the kind of man that doesn't finish what's been started.
Not the things you've never accomplished, not the adventures you never undertook-
But the matters you have left unfinished.
And I'm not the kind of man that doesn't finish what's been started.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Becoming a father part II
The journey from Fiancee's to Nothing was a long one. Made longer and harder by the fact that we loved each other the way only two young lovers can. The letter in part I was the beginning of the end, but it wasnt apparent to us then. We lasted a couple more years in Lubbock, together. THIS letter, was the ending of the end. Although, a little idealism still shines through- I thought she could change, for me- (what else reason did she have?) Stupid boy...
...
You know you always tell me that I don't understand why you WONT or CANT or CHOOSE not to Love my son, my boy. He is a part of me. He is me.
You know you always tell me how hard it is for you to be AROUND my son for two days every other week.
You know you always tell me how much you gave up ...
And still you don't try to understand anything about me.
You don't understand that I love my son. You don't understand how much it hurts me every time you talk badly about him, every time you yell at them, every time I yell at them in front of you to make you feel like I am not treating my son too good. NOT TREATING MY SON TOO GOOD.
You don't understand that I don't know my real FATHER and that I got stuck with some asshole that doesn't love ME. Someone who knows that he is not my REAL father, and everytime I hear you say that you could not LOVE my children because they are not of your blood, it is a knife in my back, reminding me that that is probably how LEE feels about me, just because he is fucked, not me.
People cannot pick their parents. But you know what, they don't have to GIVE UP THEIR CHILDREN.
MY SON IS MINE. HE WILL KNOW IT. I WILL KNOW IT and Now, YOU know it.
I love my son he is a part of me.
I love you and I would sacrifice for you. I would do anything that you NEEDED me to do. I want you beside me forever. There is no one else for me.
If you cannot sacrifice for me then you do not love me as much as you think.
If we are to be married in one year then it is about time the both of us grew up. I am NOT going to DAMN my son the same way my "father" damned me. I will not reject him.
I will not hurt him to make you feel better about yourself.
He is now a part of my life, and a part of yours. Sacrifice and Compromise are a large part of trust and love. Love is Unconditional.
Please Don't place conditions on what I cannot change and I promise you that I will never do the same to you.
I love you - Forever and always. I cannot fix this hole in my heart, this hollow place that remains dark without the love of a father.
But I can prevent Evan's heart from becoming as dark. I don't want to hurt anyone and I have enough love to be share between all.
"What is given out in free spirit is returned tenfold to the giver. What goes around comes around."
Sept.1995
...
You know you always tell me that I don't understand why you WONT or CANT or CHOOSE not to Love my son, my boy. He is a part of me. He is me.
You know you always tell me how hard it is for you to be AROUND my son for two days every other week.
You know you always tell me how much you gave up ...
And still you don't try to understand anything about me.
You don't understand that I love my son. You don't understand how much it hurts me every time you talk badly about him, every time you yell at them, every time I yell at them in front of you to make you feel like I am not treating my son too good. NOT TREATING MY SON TOO GOOD.
You don't understand that I don't know my real FATHER and that I got stuck with some asshole that doesn't love ME. Someone who knows that he is not my REAL father, and everytime I hear you say that you could not LOVE my children because they are not of your blood, it is a knife in my back, reminding me that that is probably how LEE feels about me, just because he is fucked, not me.
People cannot pick their parents. But you know what, they don't have to GIVE UP THEIR CHILDREN.
MY SON IS MINE. HE WILL KNOW IT. I WILL KNOW IT and Now, YOU know it.
I love my son he is a part of me.
I love you and I would sacrifice for you. I would do anything that you NEEDED me to do. I want you beside me forever. There is no one else for me.
If you cannot sacrifice for me then you do not love me as much as you think.
If we are to be married in one year then it is about time the both of us grew up. I am NOT going to DAMN my son the same way my "father" damned me. I will not reject him.
I will not hurt him to make you feel better about yourself.
He is now a part of my life, and a part of yours. Sacrifice and Compromise are a large part of trust and love. Love is Unconditional.
Please Don't place conditions on what I cannot change and I promise you that I will never do the same to you.
I love you - Forever and always. I cannot fix this hole in my heart, this hollow place that remains dark without the love of a father.
But I can prevent Evan's heart from becoming as dark. I don't want to hurt anyone and I have enough love to be share between all.
"What is given out in free spirit is returned tenfold to the giver. What goes around comes around."
Sept.1995
Becoming a Father, part I
I decided to go real old skool tonight. what follows is the oldest electronic writing file i own. Before I was writing on my computer, i filled notebook after notebook up with my angst, emotion and bullshit.
This is the oldest file on my backups. It was written to Angela. It was 1994 and I had dropped out of college at that time... was engaged, and was very much in love. I was living with her, and her mother, working at a service station (does anyone remember those?) and had just popped the question a week before. We were going to move to Lubbock (we did) and I was going to go to work for my dad, make the big bucks, and live happily ever after. This was the moment I decided was a great time to tell her a big secret I had...
...
3-01-94
And I also realize more and more of how immature that I have been
acting, even though I thought that I was always in the right. It is not about a job and material possessions! God, what a jerk I have become! I never ever cared about money before! I have said it before, but I guess that my own wisdom escaped me for some time: Greed is the greatest sin of all. The love of money is more disgusting and vile than any other affliction. I had everything
all along - Y O U. My mind has been warped on impressions and impressing. The only thing that matters is my love for you! Making you happy and being happy!
and I want to live forever with you!!!
Eternally Yours,
...
Who would have thought that scarred heart me, was such an idealistic, hopeful, open hearted fool back then? Well, that's how you get scars- by holding out your heart-
Let's just say - it didn't work out well. The compassion Angela had for her cousin's baby was a different story when another mother was in the picture. And, I get that.
The good news is, that I stuck by my guns- and I went back to Lubbock, and I called up Trish, and I became a Dad the same week I got back. And it killed my relationship with Angela. But it was the only thing an honorable man could do. And I may not be honorable, hell I'll let others judge that shit- But I became his Dad- and Andrew's too. And I never looked back and when Angela gave me an ultimatum- my boys or her- it killed me, but I did the only thing a bastard like me, who never met his real dad could do- I let her go. Truth is, if she loved me, she'd have never made that ultimatum.
Years pass- and now she has kids of her own= And I bet you she gets it now. Hell, I know she does.
Life aint never a straight line. And what kind of fun is that, any-effin-way?
This is the oldest file on my backups. It was written to Angela. It was 1994 and I had dropped out of college at that time... was engaged, and was very much in love. I was living with her, and her mother, working at a service station (does anyone remember those?) and had just popped the question a week before. We were going to move to Lubbock (we did) and I was going to go to work for my dad, make the big bucks, and live happily ever after. This was the moment I decided was a great time to tell her a big secret I had...
...
3-01-94
Angela,
Hey, It's me again. I miss you. It has
been a long weekend...
You are driving
home right now, and I worry about you a lot. This weekend has really been an
awakening for me. Every time that I think that I've really grown up,
something causes me to step outside myself and take a long hard look; and I never
like what I find. I thought that I was really getting there this time, to
that stage where I can look in the mirror and respect myself as a man. Wrong once
again.
I thought a lot about Sherrill's baby,
and why exactly it would be
impossible to
take care of. Of course, it wouldn't be impossible, it would be a hard thing to
do, but it could be done. And I thought about a lot of things - What I had said
about Sherrill and why I believe that way. I am a hypocrite.
But I do believe
in what I said. My hypocrisy is my inability to live up to my severely high
standards for everyone around me. And so, I thought a lot about the entire
situation and what would motivate you to want to take upon so much responsibility
for such little return. Angie - I love you very much! Your compassion is
astounding! If only the whole world were as kind as you - I thank god for him
giving me the chance to be with you! Every day I realize
more and more
what we can give each other in the form of our love for each other... I
understand more and more of committment and unselfish love.And I also realize more and more of how immature that I have been
acting, even though I thought that I was always in the right. It is not about a job and material possessions! God, what a jerk I have become! I never ever cared about money before! I have said it before, but I guess that my own wisdom escaped me for some time: Greed is the greatest sin of all. The love of money is more disgusting and vile than any other affliction. I had everything
all along - Y O U. My mind has been warped on impressions and impressing. The only thing that matters is my love for you! Making you happy and being happy!
No matter if I
had to keep the same car forever! Who gives a fuck. Having things is nice,
Having you and you having me is EVERYTHING! That is all. Oh, and one other
thing...
Back to the compassion that I have been
lacking for some time;
Everything about
Sherrill and her child that she may lose because of her bad judgements and
mistakes - It all reflects back on my life and the fucked up decisions that I
have made in the past. I used to care, damn it! I look at this shell that I
have become. You would have really loved the way that I used to be... I
believed...in something. In Everything! I cared and I loved life.
I want to be that
way again. I looked in that damn mirror everyday at this caricature that I
have become and I know that I am NOT a man. Not an honorable man, not a good
friend, and certainly not a responsible mature adult. And to you - not the
lover and soul mate that I should be to you. I know that I'll never be a man
until I erase the sins of my past and take care of what is mine. Yes, I have
thought a Lot this weekend. And this is really going to
freak you out and
maybe frighten you... I truly don't know how that you'll react. This is
big. The only way to say it is just to say it -
I am going to be a father.
Evan Tyler Witcher is my son. And it is
about time that I grew up and took
responsibility for that fact. It scares me just thinking about it but it also makes me
feel really good. That boy deserves a father, like every other child on this
earth. It would be the worst thing in the world to deny him that any longer. I
love you Angie. I want you to understand how I feel about this.
I want you to
help raise my son. I want my Mother and Father to know that they have a grandson.
I want my boy to know me and I want to know him...
I don't know how you'll react to all of
this, I still am very confused myself. But from
now on I will make no idle promises nor any shallow oaths. I am your Fiancee,
I love you more than anything in the world that I have ever known or ever
will know and I am going to start treating you the way you should be treated
and acting responsibly! All I have is some small shred of dignity and honor
left but I will be damned if I am going to throw that to the
dogs like I have
the rest! So here I am if you will still have me...
Angela
Christine Rash,
I
love you and I want
to be your husbandand I want to live forever with you!!!
Eternally Yours,
Christopher Kirk Berryhill
...
Who would have thought that scarred heart me, was such an idealistic, hopeful, open hearted fool back then? Well, that's how you get scars- by holding out your heart-
Let's just say - it didn't work out well. The compassion Angela had for her cousin's baby was a different story when another mother was in the picture. And, I get that.
The good news is, that I stuck by my guns- and I went back to Lubbock, and I called up Trish, and I became a Dad the same week I got back. And it killed my relationship with Angela. But it was the only thing an honorable man could do. And I may not be honorable, hell I'll let others judge that shit- But I became his Dad- and Andrew's too. And I never looked back and when Angela gave me an ultimatum- my boys or her- it killed me, but I did the only thing a bastard like me, who never met his real dad could do- I let her go. Truth is, if she loved me, she'd have never made that ultimatum.
Years pass- and now she has kids of her own= And I bet you she gets it now. Hell, I know she does.
Life aint never a straight line. And what kind of fun is that, any-effin-way?
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