Contradictions, Always contradictions... I am most proud of two things: that I always rebelled, to the jagged cliff of self destruction- but never bent, never conformed to the desires of others= And, that I have become the most responsible father (albeit in my own special form) that I have ever known.
I am the sanest AND the craziest person I know. It just depends on who you run into that day- Me and my kids, or me and my demons.And you know what- Its this whole duality that I love the most about my life.
I know how far I can go, each and every day. And I know how far I do go, each day, to be who I absolutely have to be to take care of my kids the way they deserve- in spite of all the shit that their mother has laid at their feet.
It would be easy to half-ass it, to do less because, honestly, I wouldn't have to do much, to be ahead of her as best parent. But I don't have to JUST beat her. I have to beat my Dad, my Dads- the abusive adoptive Dad, the abandoning birth father, and even my self-pitying step dad, whom I love, but who is wallowing in his own pain to the detriment of his own children's lives.
I have to be better than them all. Better than my brothers, better than my friends. Better than the fathers of the kids at school.
Then- and only then, can I indulge my own whims.
Then I can eke out a little living for myself- I can wallow in my own self-pity a bit, or I can embrace my anger and explode gloriously, or I can lose myself in the arms of a woman or maybe two.
I have to find myself to allow myself to get lost in myself.
And as much as I'd like= NO, I'd LOVE to lose myself Forever, I have to bring myself back to consciousness and conscientiousness and shake off the self-induced stupor. I slap myself awake and shapeshift back into Dad, that boring, quiet workaholic and i get up and do it all over again.
And honestly, I don't like one me over the other. One is just soooo much easier. But, he's just not that nice of a guy. I can respect both of them, though.
And when I can't any longer, I guess this game will be over.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
For the scapegoats
When asked for a blessing on the way to his execution:
Morant: "No thank you, I'm a pagan."
Chaplain: "And you?"
Peter: "What's a pagan?"
Morant: "Er, it's somebody who doesn't believe there is a divine being dispensing justice to mankind."
Peter,to Chaplain: "I'm a pagan too..."
Morant: "There is an epitath, I'd like, Matthew 10:36"
...
"And a man's foes shall be that of his own household."
Monday, November 22, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
The glory of losing your love
The greatest lie implied in the phrase "I love you" is the promise that Love is always eternal. It is, in fact, not. I have loved many times in my life. Many women have been in love with me. Do they love me now, or I- them?
Maybe on some basic level, deep inside me, the memory of that love. But not like we were in that moment. The intensity of that love has faded. Does this demean those loves as somehow less, or not "real" love? Not in my experience. Love almost killed me three times. In the moment, each time it was more important than anything else, even my life. I loved with all my heart - so deeply that I am even afraid of feeling that much love again.
To expect every love you feel, no matter how deeply, to last forever is the grandest of self deceits.
Enjoy your loves while they last. Nurture them and believe in them and they will grow. But don't cast aside love that is freely given to you simply because you suspect that it may not be perfect. Don't walk away from love because you can see that it won't last forever.
One of these days you may find yourself alone and without love at all- and you will wish you had embraced a few more brief moments of love, however imperfect. You will wish you would have let yourself be loved without reservations just to have those moments in time.
Did my loves last forever? No. Does my love, remembered, live on in my heart? Definitely. Would my live have been better without these fleeting loves?
No. A thousand times No. It would be like a life without dreams. My life would be shallow indeed without the glory and the memory of those lost loves.
Kirk 11/17/2010
Maybe on some basic level, deep inside me, the memory of that love. But not like we were in that moment. The intensity of that love has faded. Does this demean those loves as somehow less, or not "real" love? Not in my experience. Love almost killed me three times. In the moment, each time it was more important than anything else, even my life. I loved with all my heart - so deeply that I am even afraid of feeling that much love again.
To expect every love you feel, no matter how deeply, to last forever is the grandest of self deceits.
Enjoy your loves while they last. Nurture them and believe in them and they will grow. But don't cast aside love that is freely given to you simply because you suspect that it may not be perfect. Don't walk away from love because you can see that it won't last forever.
One of these days you may find yourself alone and without love at all- and you will wish you had embraced a few more brief moments of love, however imperfect. You will wish you would have let yourself be loved without reservations just to have those moments in time.
Did my loves last forever? No. Does my love, remembered, live on in my heart? Definitely. Would my live have been better without these fleeting loves?
No. A thousand times No. It would be like a life without dreams. My life would be shallow indeed without the glory and the memory of those lost loves.
Kirk 11/17/2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Conversations: Falling out of the clouds
Kirk:
i made "My legal advice to you is : Don't have no mo children" my fb post of the day lol
Her:
hahaha
Kirk:
... I know it isnt meant to be, nothing ever is, it seems.... but i'd drop everything and do it- I'd open myself up and lose myself in it- for as long as i could...
- just saying.... life is but a dream and I'll take the clouds thank you..
Her:
2 Many Hoes
thats my response
Kirk:
lol send me the lyrics to that Kanye song we were listening to ...
everyone needs a few extra admirers. It does wonders for our self esteem, you know
Her:
want me to e-mail it?
the lyrics
Kirk:
yes please
And I always find, yeah, I always find somethin’ wrong
You been puttin’ up wit’ my shit just way too long
I’m so gifted at findin’ what I don’t like the most
So I think it’s time for us to have a toast
Let’s have a toast for the douchebags!
Let’s have a toast for the assholes!
Let’s have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know
Let’s have a toast for the jerkoffs
That’ll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can
She find pictures in my email
I sent this bitch a picture of my dick
I don’t know what it is with females
But I’m not too good at that shit
See, I could have me a good girl
And still be addicted to them hoodrats
And I just blame everything on you
At least you know that’s what I’m good at
And I always find
Yeah, I always find
Yeah, I always find somethin’ wrong
You been puttin’ up wit’ my shit just way too long
I’m so gifted at findin’ what I don’t like the most
So I think it’s time for us to have a toast
Let’s have a toast for the douchebags!
Let’s have a toast for the assholes!
Let’s have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know
Let’s have a toast to the jerkoffs
That’ll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can
Run away from me, baby
Run away
Run away from me, baby
Run away
Never thought it would get crazy
Just run away
Baby, I got a plan
Run away as fast as you can
Run away from me, baby
Run away
Run away from me, baby
Never thought it would get crazy
Why can’t she just run away?
Baby, I got a plan
Run away as fast as you can
Never was much of a romantic
I could never take the intimacy
And I know it did damage
‘Cause the look in your eyes is killin’ me
I’m guessin’ you’re at an advantage
‘Cause you could blame me for everything
And I don’t know how I’ma manage
If one day you just up and leave
And I always find
Yeah, I always find somethin’ wrong
You been puttin’ up with my shit just way too long
I’m so gifted at findin’ what I don’t like the most
So I think it’s time for us to have a toast
Let’s have a toast for the douchebags!
Let’s have a toast for the assholes!
Let’s have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know
Let’s have a toast to the jerkoffs
That’ll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can
Kirk:
and how is my outlook for seeing our horoscopes today?
i wonder on the "on" days if there is some kind of planetary attraction affecting us...
Her:
probably... here's mine:
"You feel totally detached from an emotional situation. Displays of anger or sorrow usually affect you this way."
Kirk:
what was mine
Her:
yours...
is interesting
"Your emotional energy runs high today, as long as you feed it with interesting experiences and interactions. If not, you could be feeling restless. Routine tasks will not satisfy you now. You might also find yourself attempting to attach meaning to what you do or to your life today, as a higher purpose is something you're seeking now. Overall, you're in a friendly, curious mood."
Kirk:
w o w
Her:
Then it says - Its a good day for romantic and creative matters
Kirk:
hammer, meet nailhead
that is just crazy, spooky - exactly how i feel today - every bit of it...
Her:
i know
It says that the moon is in my sign today - whatever that means - it is an Aquarius moon... ? i dont understand all of this stuff, but i think i'm going to try to - so far its been pretttty accurate
Kirk:
aight, so i'm talkative and wistful and in the clouds, so i may continue being all sigh-y
Her:
thats fine by me
Kirk:
hmmm well... the boy wishes he could be everything the girl wanted and that she could be everything he wanted. But he knows that fairy tale stuff and she knows it too... But in the clouds everything is perfect and bright and smells nice and there are no worries
in the clouds, you can fall anyway you want, but never down
Her:
thats where i need to be
Kirk:
its where all the cool people hang out
i guess
i get so intoxicated from those little moments
thats how i KNOW
what lurks in my heart, thats how i know its TRUTH
but i dont know how to deal with it or accept it or even how to hold it.
If I pull it too close, i'm afraid it will burn me
but when i hold it at arm's length, i can't have those perfect kisses
and i so want them
Her:
we should probably try to figure this out someday...
if it doesnt kill us first
Kirk:
can we share a room in hell?
that might be too much for you, even in hell... lol
oblivion is always what i desired, but it really would be hell to no longer know the temptation of her touches and to feel the burn of her gaze on me
Her:
haha, yes, im thinkin it would be too much for me
Kirk:
our common problem is that we dont want too much of any one person
Her:
you're right
Kirk:
but is it that we want More than one person can give, or that we just cant stand the thought of just one person alone for the rest of our lives?
Her:
i know for me...i know that im way too demanding - nothing is ever good enough for me and im never satisfied because of it
i know that for sure - i know thats my problem
Kirk:
thats mine as well
i make things hard, on purpose
i want you because i know you'd never truly want me forever
and that makes it easier
does that make any kind of sense at all ?
i realize that that is sad and twisted and a mockery of what i DO feel deep inside
i dont trust you, because i dont trust myself
and so I trust absolutely nothing except impermanence
Her:
that makes perfect sense
Kirk:
it is completely disheartening to me because I know its just because deep down I am scared of the rejection that i feel is inevitable
but, theres a wall in between that love anyway
so, as always i get ahead of myself anyway
and project ultimate desires on a situation where there is little risk of having to worry about real commitment or real rejection
Her:
this...is complicated isnt it?
Kirk:
people like me and you can't have anything simple
simple = ignorant, in our convoluted, tortured, pain-scarred minds
Her:
ughhhh my mind is so clouded
i guess it just shuts down
i cant function, i cant think of what to say...its like i just...freeze
Kirk:
Well according to your horoscope, you are at the opposite end of the spectrum from me today...
sucks... wish we could have same horoscope today
Her:
some things just weren't meant to be
Kirk:
aaaaagh
thats me, falling out of the clouds
picks self up, dusts clothes off... Looks up at you, sitting on a dark cloud above, waving down mischieviously and says : "I wish you wouldn't do that"
Her:
i hate this
Kirk:
its kind of fun for me, in an oddly masochistic way
think about it- you are paying me back for my many sins against womankind
and i'm like a half-boyscout, half-devil...chasing the Angel who won't stop flying in circles
Her:
im not sure about that, but someone needs to...
its not very fun for me - of course i guess thats just me being the 'eternal pessimist' that i am
Kirk:
surely there are moments when the day is made brighter by my affection.. god i hope there are... thats a dismal thought - that you just tolerate me for the simple attention i give
Her:
well..
you do make me smile
but only sometimes
Kirk:
well i guess i have to smile about the thought of when i make you smile... you know me, the eternal optimist
Her:
of course
i made "My legal advice to you is : Don't have no mo children" my fb post of the day lol
Her:
hahaha
Kirk:
... I know it isnt meant to be, nothing ever is, it seems.... but i'd drop everything and do it- I'd open myself up and lose myself in it- for as long as i could...
- just saying.... life is but a dream and I'll take the clouds thank you..
Her:
2 Many Hoes
thats my response
Kirk:
lol send me the lyrics to that Kanye song we were listening to ...
everyone needs a few extra admirers. It does wonders for our self esteem, you know
Her:
want me to e-mail it?
the lyrics
Kirk:
yes please
And I always find, yeah, I always find somethin’ wrong
You been puttin’ up wit’ my shit just way too long
I’m so gifted at findin’ what I don’t like the most
So I think it’s time for us to have a toast
Let’s have a toast for the douchebags!
Let’s have a toast for the assholes!
Let’s have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know
Let’s have a toast for the jerkoffs
That’ll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can
She find pictures in my email
I sent this bitch a picture of my dick
I don’t know what it is with females
But I’m not too good at that shit
See, I could have me a good girl
And still be addicted to them hoodrats
And I just blame everything on you
At least you know that’s what I’m good at
And I always find
Yeah, I always find
Yeah, I always find somethin’ wrong
You been puttin’ up wit’ my shit just way too long
I’m so gifted at findin’ what I don’t like the most
So I think it’s time for us to have a toast
Let’s have a toast for the douchebags!
Let’s have a toast for the assholes!
Let’s have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know
Let’s have a toast to the jerkoffs
That’ll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can
Run away from me, baby
Run away
Run away from me, baby
Run away
Never thought it would get crazy
Just run away
Baby, I got a plan
Run away as fast as you can
Run away from me, baby
Run away
Run away from me, baby
Never thought it would get crazy
Why can’t she just run away?
Baby, I got a plan
Run away as fast as you can
Never was much of a romantic
I could never take the intimacy
And I know it did damage
‘Cause the look in your eyes is killin’ me
I’m guessin’ you’re at an advantage
‘Cause you could blame me for everything
And I don’t know how I’ma manage
If one day you just up and leave
And I always find
Yeah, I always find somethin’ wrong
You been puttin’ up with my shit just way too long
I’m so gifted at findin’ what I don’t like the most
So I think it’s time for us to have a toast
Let’s have a toast for the douchebags!
Let’s have a toast for the assholes!
Let’s have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know
Let’s have a toast to the jerkoffs
That’ll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can
Kirk:
and how is my outlook for seeing our horoscopes today?
i wonder on the "on" days if there is some kind of planetary attraction affecting us...
Her:
probably... here's mine:
"You feel totally detached from an emotional situation. Displays of anger or sorrow usually affect you this way."
Kirk:
what was mine
Her:
yours...
is interesting
"Your emotional energy runs high today, as long as you feed it with interesting experiences and interactions. If not, you could be feeling restless. Routine tasks will not satisfy you now. You might also find yourself attempting to attach meaning to what you do or to your life today, as a higher purpose is something you're seeking now. Overall, you're in a friendly, curious mood."
Kirk:
w o w
Her:
Then it says - Its a good day for romantic and creative matters
Kirk:
hammer, meet nailhead
that is just crazy, spooky - exactly how i feel today - every bit of it...
Her:
i know
It says that the moon is in my sign today - whatever that means - it is an Aquarius moon... ? i dont understand all of this stuff, but i think i'm going to try to - so far its been pretttty accurate
Kirk:
aight, so i'm talkative and wistful and in the clouds, so i may continue being all sigh-y
Her:
thats fine by me
Kirk:
hmmm well... the boy wishes he could be everything the girl wanted and that she could be everything he wanted. But he knows that fairy tale stuff and she knows it too... But in the clouds everything is perfect and bright and smells nice and there are no worries
in the clouds, you can fall anyway you want, but never down
Her:
thats where i need to be
Kirk:
its where all the cool people hang out
i guess
i get so intoxicated from those little moments
thats how i KNOW
what lurks in my heart, thats how i know its TRUTH
but i dont know how to deal with it or accept it or even how to hold it.
If I pull it too close, i'm afraid it will burn me
but when i hold it at arm's length, i can't have those perfect kisses
and i so want them
Her:
we should probably try to figure this out someday...
if it doesnt kill us first
Kirk:
can we share a room in hell?
that might be too much for you, even in hell... lol
oblivion is always what i desired, but it really would be hell to no longer know the temptation of her touches and to feel the burn of her gaze on me
Her:
haha, yes, im thinkin it would be too much for me
Kirk:
our common problem is that we dont want too much of any one person
Her:
you're right
Kirk:
but is it that we want More than one person can give, or that we just cant stand the thought of just one person alone for the rest of our lives?
Her:
i know for me...i know that im way too demanding - nothing is ever good enough for me and im never satisfied because of it
i know that for sure - i know thats my problem
Kirk:
thats mine as well
i make things hard, on purpose
i want you because i know you'd never truly want me forever
and that makes it easier
does that make any kind of sense at all ?
i realize that that is sad and twisted and a mockery of what i DO feel deep inside
i dont trust you, because i dont trust myself
and so I trust absolutely nothing except impermanence
Her:
that makes perfect sense
Kirk:
it is completely disheartening to me because I know its just because deep down I am scared of the rejection that i feel is inevitable
but, theres a wall in between that love anyway
so, as always i get ahead of myself anyway
and project ultimate desires on a situation where there is little risk of having to worry about real commitment or real rejection
Her:
this...is complicated isnt it?
Kirk:
people like me and you can't have anything simple
simple = ignorant, in our convoluted, tortured, pain-scarred minds
Her:
ughhhh my mind is so clouded
i guess it just shuts down
i cant function, i cant think of what to say...its like i just...freeze
Kirk:
Well according to your horoscope, you are at the opposite end of the spectrum from me today...
sucks... wish we could have same horoscope today
Her:
some things just weren't meant to be
Kirk:
aaaaagh
thats me, falling out of the clouds
picks self up, dusts clothes off... Looks up at you, sitting on a dark cloud above, waving down mischieviously and says : "I wish you wouldn't do that"
Her:
i hate this
Kirk:
its kind of fun for me, in an oddly masochistic way
think about it- you are paying me back for my many sins against womankind
and i'm like a half-boyscout, half-devil...chasing the Angel who won't stop flying in circles
Her:
im not sure about that, but someone needs to...
its not very fun for me - of course i guess thats just me being the 'eternal pessimist' that i am
Kirk:
surely there are moments when the day is made brighter by my affection.. god i hope there are... thats a dismal thought - that you just tolerate me for the simple attention i give
Her:
well..
you do make me smile
but only sometimes
Kirk:
well i guess i have to smile about the thought of when i make you smile... you know me, the eternal optimist
Her:
of course
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Fallen far enough
Days without Love are like days without life. But I persevere- knowing that days like this make me cherish the days when I do have love so much more. Not enough to want to keep it, I suppose (in a moment of honest reflection). But still..
Lauren always says I am a cold, cold bastard. And I am, on the inside. On the outside, I love so much, it takes up all my time. I have to be hard- I am not letting my guard down anymore. Love has almost killed me three times. And Life is all I have,now. So, I guess Love isnt THAT important, ??? Hell if I know. I have my love for my kids. At at this point, that's gonna have to be enough. Cause another broken heart would kill me.
So I will love, because thats my nature. I will love you- and you - and maybe you too. But I ain't going to FALL in love. Because I've fallen as far as I can.
Lauren always says I am a cold, cold bastard. And I am, on the inside. On the outside, I love so much, it takes up all my time. I have to be hard- I am not letting my guard down anymore. Love has almost killed me three times. And Life is all I have,now. So, I guess Love isnt THAT important, ??? Hell if I know. I have my love for my kids. At at this point, that's gonna have to be enough. Cause another broken heart would kill me.
So I will love, because thats my nature. I will love you- and you - and maybe you too. But I ain't going to FALL in love. Because I've fallen as far as I can.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Time Capsule... First date in forever
My first night out in, forever, and my blind date is drunk and passed out by 8:30. It was fun while it lasted, I suppose. Late afternoon lunch- Steaks at Texas Roadhouse- Then whiskey,coke,and conversation at Chip's sports bar. We then headed over to Scott and Tonya's house for a bbq. She was drinking 100 proof Southern comfort straight.
I guess I should be glad she's not one of those wild whiskey drinking women who can put the whole bottle away, lol.
Well, got her home and into her bed- and then I stayed up drinking, playing on facebook and listening to music. Addicted to some poprock tune by 30 seconds to Mars "From yesterday"
and its 2:15 on a crisp beautiful Sunday and I am glad I am alive, for once. I love my life today in fact. I feel like its charmed somehow. I am the master of my own destiny and sometimes i feel like most people are not and for that, I am grateful- to myself.
Thanks for having the balls to do it your own way.
I stopped in at Star comics, picked up a few simple items. Stopped and got a big ass Peace tea, a 12 pack of Bud light, and some Klemke's beef Jerky. 2 more hours of freedom before Amy and Rain return.
Gonna get off this damn computer now and breathe.
I guess I should be glad she's not one of those wild whiskey drinking women who can put the whole bottle away, lol.
Well, got her home and into her bed- and then I stayed up drinking, playing on facebook and listening to music. Addicted to some poprock tune by 30 seconds to Mars "From yesterday"
and its 2:15 on a crisp beautiful Sunday and I am glad I am alive, for once. I love my life today in fact. I feel like its charmed somehow. I am the master of my own destiny and sometimes i feel like most people are not and for that, I am grateful- to myself.
Thanks for having the balls to do it your own way.
I stopped in at Star comics, picked up a few simple items. Stopped and got a big ass Peace tea, a 12 pack of Bud light, and some Klemke's beef Jerky. 2 more hours of freedom before Amy and Rain return.
Gonna get off this damn computer now and breathe.
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