Two faces, One shit eatin grin...

Contradictions, Always contradictions... I am most proud of two things: that I always rebelled, to the jagged cliff of self destruction- but never bent, never conformed to the desires of others= And, that I have become the most responsible father (albeit in my own special form) that I have ever known.

I am the sanest AND the craziest person I know. It just depends on who you run into that day- Me and my kids, or me and my demons.And you know what- Its this whole duality that I love the most about my life.

I know how far I can go, each and every day. And I know how far I do go, each day, to be who I absolutely have to be to take care of my kids the way they deserve- in spite of all the shit that their mother has laid at their feet.

It would be easy to half-ass it, to do less because, honestly, I wouldn't have to do much, to be ahead of her as best parent. But I don't have to JUST beat her. I have to beat my Dad, my Dads- the abusive adoptive Dad, the abandoning birth father, and even my self-pitying step dad, whom I love, but who is wallowing in his own pain to the detriment of his own children's lives.

I have to be better than them all. Better than my brothers, better than my friends. Better than the fathers of the kids at school.

Then- and only then, can I indulge my own whims.

Then I can eke out a little living for myself- I can wallow in my own self-pity a bit, or I can embrace my anger and explode gloriously, or I can lose myself in the arms of a woman or maybe two.

I have to find myself to allow myself to get lost in myself.

And as much as I'd like= NO, I'd LOVE to lose myself Forever, I have to bring myself back to consciousness and conscientiousness and shake off the self-induced stupor. I slap myself awake and shapeshift back into Dad, that boring, quiet workaholic and i get up and do it all over again.

And honestly, I don't like one me over the other. One is just soooo much easier. But, he's just not that nice of a guy. I can respect both of them, though.

And when I can't any longer, I guess this game will be over.