Blast from the past = found some old drunken writing from 2007 : Enjoy

Eleven thirty thoughts

Late enough that I have mellowed, but not so late that I’ve started to get silly.
Got the mp3 changer blaring,,, each song takes me with it- moving my emotions and state of mind according to the whims of the computer’s semi-random shufflin…

Summertime… by Janis… been awhile since I’ve heard this. Fuck Cobain. Joplin had more pain in two notes than that little spoiled garage band bitch had in his whole repertoire. Ah, that’s not nice. Cobain’s sposed to be my hero.

Hero. A fucking junkie who kills himself. Why is that cool? Cause he was famous and rich that’s why. Any poor white trash like myself can blow my head off. But he had money and fame and still offed hisself. For a bad tummy ache and a bad tooth. Some say.

Ah fame. Pretty much any moron will worship you if you are ahead of the average fuckhead. I would analyze this further- double pause – if I truly gave a shit.

Apparently I don’t. Sorry, Kurt. Enjoy the afterparty.

It’s hard to hold a coherent thought when the next song that pops up is Rick fuckn Springfield. Ah, Sweet 80’s pimphood. That fucker cant even get a date now. I’m sure he wishes he had Jessie’s girl right now. He’d probably settle for Jessie’s mom at this juncture…

Wow. Back when Snapping was a legitimate musical accessory. Good god, this cures any pining for the 80s I might have been secretly holding.

And… It’s over. Praise Allah, Yahweh, and 3 other random semi Jew deities…
Beer me. Why thank you, sir.

… okay a country song came up- yes, I know what you are thinking- Kirk listens to country?! Listen up fuckasses. I was born in a trailer park in West Texas. What the hell do ya expect? It’s Sawyer Brown. Could be worse. I like this damn song. "I’ve been in your shoes." Ah, Sawyre Brown, the Rascal Flats of 1991. Yee- (Deep introspective pause) Haw.

And holy fuck, Sawyer Brown just achieved a higher plane of existence,,, The next song is Johnny Horton’s Battle of New Orleans.. When the hell did I download THAT? Holy 3rd grade flashback. "Yeah they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles where the rabbits couldn’t go."

Almost intellectual compared to Toby Keith. Ah, Rock and Roll rears its bestial head, Bout time (for another beer) . Theory of a dead man. Not too bad, Tad bit contrived, but what white boy rock ISNT?

Be back in a cool minute. Just for posterity’s sake- I bought Crossed Keys last bottle of Arrogant Bastard Ale after work today, plus a 30 of Bud, because I was in the mood to get nasty drunk. That was four hours ago. Damn you tolerance level, damn you to hell.

Did I mention I pissed my gf off? Of course not. Trying not to think about it. Meanwhile, the planet keeps turning… Ah, Excellent version of "Dear God" just played. I don’t know where I got that either. I thank it was Maclachlan but I am not sure. Made we want to hear some Slayer covers I have sung by Tori Amos (Really) but I cant find the damn things. I have way too much shit downloaded. I probably should stop relying on the "Chaos theory" to sort my mp3 collection instantaneously…

I have the Cardigans doing "Mr.Crowley" here somewhere. Or maybe they are on the other computer… Fuck. Pros and cons to living by the seat of my pants, babee.

Damn. I know I will lose all respect from the Hoyty toyty tech intellectual feminists who read my blog but in sake of full disclosure, I must admit, Limp Bizkit just played. Hey , it was an accident, really. God fucks with me like that, I swear.

Roger Alan Wade is playing now. Nuff said about that. We will skip the song title on this one to avoid a full boycott.

"She ain’t too cheap, lord, but she’s the best that I;ve had" Leviticus 3:12

Shit,starting to wind down. I havent reverted to typo city quite yet. But feeling the buzz, This little experiment in drunken music criticism may be drawing to a close.

Bluest eyes in Texas are haunting me tonight. Don’t they always?

Last minute regrets

It's times like this, when I could be thinking of anything, and i only have one thing in my mind, that I realize it was love.

... and, what? you can lurk or you can live. What will we all do, in the end?

to fill the emptiness

Your life is filled with what you decide to fill it with. If your life is empty, that is because you don't have anything with which you wish to fill it. I have moments that are not only empty, but ones where i want to remove the things i've already filled it with.

That, is a depressing thing- wanting to empty your life on purpose, because you have decided that those things you thought had substance, were all illusions

and, maybe they are, but most likely they arent- but you are filled with such a self-hate that you want that emptiness.

You want some kind of "do-over" but you can't get it- no matter how much you empty yourself. You can't unlive your life. You have to deal with it.

Being a man isnt so much glorying in your deeds- Its owning your MISdeeds. And going forward. As much as you'd like to cast away your mistakes, they are very much a part of you. And, how much of a man you truly are- is determined by how you deal with your own foolishness of the past.

OWN IT.

Turn and stand up to it.

You will never be able to run fast enough or far enough to forget your own sins.

Internal Rage

My last text to Andrea, tonight: You lost everything that mattered: Not me, the girls. I hope you can get high enough to make up for it.

I don''t know if my life is a godsend or a curse.

The three main loves of my life all have boyfriends.

I'll try and let that sink in...

I'm the perpetual "other" guy. I'm the one they love to get attention and affection from. I'm the one they tell me = they "Could" love

but ... but.. but...

lots of buts.

I'm the guy they fall back on. I'm the one they turn to, when their man isnt there. I'm the one they don't trust. I'm the one they "Want" to love.

I'm a fucking joke

a punchline

once I was IT, now i'm just second string lover for a string of women who want more from their own men, but are too afraid to ask too much.

i get that.

i understand. Hell, i even sympathize,

i love them all, I want to be the guy that gives them what their man doesnt.

But the truth is, I'm only good with the passion, the sex, the MOMENT.

and they Want all that= AND the daily committment, the surrender that accompanies the relationship

So there they are, all those fools who are willing to give it up

and here i am, the fool who will give everything- except - that.

and so, they take their man's surrender, and they collect him, to own. And when they find him wanting, they seek out me= and while they use me to fill the gaps, they tell me all things they want , knowing i cant give them

but still they take what they can.

and they blame me, for not giving enough, for not being their everything.

They cant blame their man- he wouldnt handle such criticism. But they always feel they can heap it on me, the Other man. They always assume I dont care, dont want, dont desire.

They are always so wrapped up in their own emotions and desires that they never think to consider that even the Other man, may want something other than to be their toy.

The Tao Of Tigger

Damn it all, I hate to admit it, but I miss them already.

I also hate to admit, that without my kids around, I really don't have much of a life.

Oh, well. Better to be bored than in another fucked up relationship. Everytime I feel like I need a woman in my life, I just go to Jesse's house. After 15 minutes of watching his wife run his ass around in circles and watch him justify her bullshit, I'm ready to file for divorce AGAIN lol.

Poor guy. Jesus, its almost abuse. But I guess to him it's better than nothing.

Thank you, but I'll have a doubleshot of nothing.

I'm going to drink a beer and go play video games now. And maybe watch some (gasp!) porn (oh noes!)

What's that sound I hear? Oh yes, its absolutely fucking NOTHING.

Ahhh....

so nice

Fighting for my unbelief

New conclusion: Skewering them for their belief alone is never as productive or as effective as the following alternative method-

Skewer them on how shoddy their belief is, and on how poorly they themselves follow their own faith. If this is, indeed, their ultimate faith, how can they take it so much less seriously than we, the unbelievers, do?

Pointing out that their entire religious views make no sense only armors them for a battle for righteousness. Instead, point out how hypocritical they are in claiming such ultimate righteousness for their faith, and condemning the rest of the world to hell, when they treat their own faith more like a half-assed advertising campaign than by the rules that they claim lead you to everlasting torment or eternal bliss.

I mean, if I believed in that simple tenet, that all Christians (that I've ever met) seem to believe in- I would tread my life's path a little more carefully than they do.

I don't know "the truth". I don't claim to know That. But I can call Bullshit when I see it. And I will continue to do so.