I think that i've known it all, all along. but that fact never seems to help- a-goddam thing.

Excerpts from the past: Part 832  (to the soundtrack of Pink Floyd's Wish you were here)

I dont know when to dream...

        And I dont know when to die.

       

        I sit here unknowing, encased in a cage made of lies.

       What is life, and why do I care?

       A bullshit blur of motion, and my blank stare.

       I hate to feel and I FEEL TO HATE.

                                                              4/21/98

And on a lighter note...

            Sitting here examining this life that I live, that oftimes I deem a tragedy, when I know it's just a comedy. The truly humorous part is the key player is unknowing (well let's call it a self-imposed veil of ignorance...) that his life is just like anybody elses, maybe a little more interesting, but that is only because he seeks out conflict in the misguided attempt to accomplish something. "Accomplish what" you say? well, whatever. something. Something important... you know what I mean...  Ha. That last line has so much depth, and the funny thing is that is reveals how truly shallow we all are.

            There are things we can chase, things WE CAN ACCOMPLISH. And those things are anything and everything. My whole problem is that I don't believe in Anything, anymore. You know, it has run thru cycles with me, The Meaning of Life, I mean.

           

            When I was young, It was PASSION. The more you cared the more you existed. There were so many causes that I championed, so many deep rooted beliefs, all that came unto being under my careful teenage introspection. And life was good, because even though I saw the bad, I understood the solutions. I stood for the answers! (Damn it!)

            And then passion cooled, and I entered the realm of THOUGHT. Everything had its extremes, and its opposites. You had to accept everything, refute nothing, and come to a middle ground based on personal experience. "Logic is all".  And life was good, because, even though I empathized with those of baser existence, or of more decadent existence, I understood their problems. And through a greater awareness, I would help them! (Blessed be!)

            Then there was the pit of Hell that yawned wide to accept me, then regurgitate me back  to this world of shit. I was slapped back into reality by HYPOCRISY. And I saw everything more clearly, because I saw that everyone was full of shit. Everyone lied. Everyone was hurting and hurt everyone around them, cause no one Cared. And no one ever would. BUT- Life was shit, but I was Better than everyone, cause I understood that everyone Including myself was full of shit. I realized this although no one else did, and therefore, I rose above. (Fuck you all!)

            Well, that was a depressing cycle, fueled hot by anger. That too subsided, and I arrived at the next level, which is my current state. Which I call "Truth" but you can just call apathy. On a separate note, All through my life, each stage/cycle I have considered "The Truth". Just each time I learn another hard lesson, "Truth" reinvents itself. So here I be. Don't care much at all. It would be "nice" if I found someone to love and love me, if I was happy, If I believed in ... something. But, right now, I am just not too worried about it. I dont hate life anymore. It has stopped being a "burden". I enjoy myself, (well, actually, I have enjoyed myself all through my life no matter how "depressed" I was.)

sort of. I feel that there is nothing left, but I might as well repeat some of the previous good times over and over. Why the hell not

Anyway talk.write.type at ya later, self.

Kirk 5/17/98