I bite my tongue more than ya'll know. 

For 3/4 of my life I did whatever I wanted. For this last 1/4 of it, the past 10 years, I have done everything I am supposed to do. And, its not hard. Its actually what I want, but my whims never suffered my responsibilities too long back then.

And, its easier. I have a lot less apologies to make, that is for sure. The kids are good. That's always been my bottom line.

And i still have my fun. Heh. More than most, I'm sure. i'm charmed like that. For whatever reason, theres a certain portion of the female population that adores crazy guys like me. (thank god). They are my bread and butter. And I love them.

But I ain't happy. I don't sweat that too much. I don't know anyone who is, honestly. Everyone is haunted by their own ghosts. That shit will eat you up if you let it. I don't. Except on nights like this, when i dream of spectres past and wish for the ghosts of days gone by to reappear.

It's all fleeting fucking fantasies, I know. But the only love I have left is the residue in my heart for my long lost loves.

Dana.Misha.Susanna.Angela.Andrea.  what a fucking crew of fantasy and fatality that group is, was, and ever shall be.

All the best.All the fucking absolute worst. Heart singing, soul crushing, exhilaration and despair.

Broken hearts don't always mend.

And sometimes, I don't want it to. I don't want to forget. Fuck, how could/can i ? That's the worst part- I remember- hell, i STILL love them all. I was in love with everyone of them. And I know, you're like Motherfucking - FIVE? Damn Ho, pick a bitch.

It is what it is. I've tried to love since then. Everything else gets compared to the memories and doesnt measure up. was it so good?  Probably fucking not. Who cares? I'm on this whiskey Lullabye for the duration. Maybe they arent worth my love. Chances are, a couple of them aren't  (and you bitches know who you are, dont ya). But, it doesnt matter. In my lovesick heart- I had X amount of love in my life, and I spent it all on these women. I love them all. Maybe, i'll find room for someone else one of these days. ?

I don't think so. I think i'm spent. And oddly enough, I'm good with that. So, ignore the drunken fool in the corner, singing old love songs to himself. He's closer to heaven than he ever was in those moments.