Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Yes, it's bedtime and all manner of exotic subjects arise to prevent the coming of the sandman. We discussed it a little bit, how to realize you are in a bad dream, and that you have the power to control the direction of the dream and stop whatever BAD THING is after you (it was a guy with an ax in this example).. So finally, another hug, I said a quick little charm for her benefit, and to all a good night...
Well not all. I think I'm going to make another vid tonight... play with movie maker and some muzak. I made my goodbyes on HOTRS. Gonna miss it, but man, it takes ALL my time. And I really can't be totally myself while I am in "Activist" mode. Sometimes you just got take some time off from attempting to be the good guy and just be the fuckup that you are... That's what this blog is ALL Aboot... Oh, yah- apologized emphatically to the female unit. All is well in matrimonyland.
Don't be a dick. Don't be a dick. Must-not-be-assholey. Must-suppress-innate-bastard-nature....
Leaving the financial group- the Marriage - a baby on the way- Mom dying- So much shit happening, both ending and beginning... I have to focus on carving my way through this financial turmoil and figuring out where I am going in the coming years. I guess we go where Lauren's career takes us. You know me, I love the chaos, I'll be happy wherever I end up. The boys are grown now. That's a sobering thought. It seems like a blink, now. So much stuff. A life that has definitely been lived- and it ain't over yet.
I got to pull that peace out of the chaos that is me and find a center in this void. If I don't, I will ruin the lives of those closest to me, who rely on me still.
Ah, life- almost no one gets out of it alive.
I don't expect to get out of it alive, but it would be nice, to leave it a better place than I have in the past...
Monday, April 28, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
(reading up on it)
Shit. Nope, that's not an option.
Friday, April 25, 2008
We will see. Right now, I'm closing out the last of the positions for the clientele, doing inventory and throwing out everything that isn't sell-able when the doors close here. And building my resume, which is what I am supposed to be doing right now, but I decided to side track here. I am going to kill off my political blog. Think I've said whatever I felt I needed to say. Vented a lot of anger and met a LOT of really great people (mostly Americans from all across the country). It's too damn bad that so many people here in West Texas are just so damn moronic. Hard to find any decent people to converse with. Well back to the Rez...
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Then today her room-mate calls me to tell her she's had enough and she's moving out. My ex is over at her roommate's ex bf's, fucked up on dope. She (the soon to be ex-roommate) is having an argument with her. I told her to tell the ex-wife (since she's not bothering to call me back) that she needs to call me. She is supposed to keep them this weekend, and I don't know what's going on. And with her fucked up ass, if I haven't heard from her in a couple of days, she's usually screwing up.
She was. I finally get a string of texts. Which tell me she sorry she hasn't called. She's had laryngitis for the past 3 and a half days. Oh, well gosh. She can't keep the kids because she only has one can of black eyed peas and one can of corn and has been running fever and gosh she loves the kids so much. Will I tell them for her?
Well, fuck. I guess I have to, don't I? Since she is so sick she can't tell them herself. So I let Amy read the text messages after I told her that her mommy wouldn't be picking her up this weekend. Amy was crying and as usual, I was getting blamed for her mother's inability to ... well, be a mom. "It's not Fair! Now I won't see her for a month!" "I know, baby. I know. I can't do anything about it."
So she cried. I talked to her. I tried to console her. Then she went and played with the neighbors for a while. But then she broke down again later. She's almost 9. Her birthday is in 10 days. Will her mom be straight by then? You know, life isn't some bowl of peaches for me. I manage to work full time, be a dad full time, still take care of shit and hey- actually have fun sometimes too.
But I ditched the dopeheads and the losers and the fly by night sex partners because my kids matter more. I haven't pushed the child support issue. I haven't pushed anything. I give her the benefit of the doubt, time and time again. What will it take for her to decide those kids are more important than her social life?
4 Days a month. That is IT. That's is all the time she has to be a fucking mom. 96 hours a month. But she can't do it. She can't hold a job and she can't take care of herself. And people wonder why it's so damn hard for me to respect women when I only know a handful that can take care of themselves and about a hundred of these new-man-a-week lazy can't hold a fucking job sluts.
I can deal with almost anything. But it's damn near impossible to deal with someone who hurts my daughter so consistently. My youngest doesnt care. Her mom is just this lady that shows up every once in awhile. But Amy has been devastated all her life by her mom. And just when she's getting better, her mom decides its a good time to start fucking up again.
There is nothing so vile as a mother who abandons her children.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Lost in the tubes, again.
Never again a broken heart,
and never again true love-
And when I relive those evil deeds,
I know this fate worse than ever dreamed of.
Wisdom comes hard, or not at all,
and Penance only allowed so many times
These words are my duty and my final debt
Here- My love borne of a few simple rhymes...
Arrogance is bliss
but is easily corrected
With the loss of your kiss
My soul was disconnected
I set aside the decay of pride
and dream the same daydream
holding you close by my side
and things become all they seem
I've never said that I wasn't lost
The only thing I liked about my life was you
The price of my selfishness now has an eternal cost...
And drifting here in Hell, I don't know what to do.
muzak: The Rev, Gin and Tonic blues