once upon a time. may as well have been a hundred years ago...i am pissed off again. Nothing new. Still can't find Andrea. She talked to Amy monday night, promised her she'd pick them up tomorrow...
Messages unreturned. Found out today she doesn't have her car- she loaned it to some guy. But she's getting back with her husband, yah, right. She's been texting the 57 year old rockstar/dealer and Angie, but she can't bother with me. Amy cried again this morning when I told her I might have to pick her up Saturday night so I can make sure she gets bathed and everything before her birthday party Sunday. Andrea didnt bathe them the last two times she kept them...
Fuck I am stressed. If Andrea doesn't show up tomorrow, Amy will be devastated. She hasn't seen her in a month now. Rain doesn't care. Rain misses her mom, sort of, but I think she thinks of her as more of one of my ex-girlfriends than her actual mother.
It kills me. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Amy wants her mom. I want my daughter to be happy, but this is totally out of my hands.
How in the FUCK did I end up as the responsible one? And if she does show up, how can I trust her ... Goddamn.
Tried to call the husband (is he an ex? Did he file for divorce or what? Guess I should try to call him again..) No answer. Fuck it. Maybe she'll do the right thing. I can't worry about it anymore. I'll cross my fingers and hope for the best. If she is strung out, I hope she doesn't try to pick them up and stay high the whole time.
I don't get it, and I guess I never will. I'm on the other side.
Messages unreturned. Found out today she doesn't have her car- she loaned it to some guy. But she's getting back with her husband, yah, right. She's been texting the 57 year old rockstar/dealer and Angie, but she can't bother with me. Amy cried again this morning when I told her I might have to pick her up Saturday night so I can make sure she gets bathed and everything before her birthday party Sunday. Andrea didnt bathe them the last two times she kept them...
Fuck I am stressed. If Andrea doesn't show up tomorrow, Amy will be devastated. She hasn't seen her in a month now. Rain doesn't care. Rain misses her mom, sort of, but I think she thinks of her as more of one of my ex-girlfriends than her actual mother.
It kills me. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Amy wants her mom. I want my daughter to be happy, but this is totally out of my hands.
How in the FUCK did I end up as the responsible one? And if she does show up, how can I trust her ... Goddamn.
Tried to call the husband (is he an ex? Did he file for divorce or what? Guess I should try to call him again..) No answer. Fuck it. Maybe she'll do the right thing. I can't worry about it anymore. I'll cross my fingers and hope for the best. If she is strung out, I hope she doesn't try to pick them up and stay high the whole time.
I don't get it, and I guess I never will. I'm on the other side.
And I know she's probably somewhere singing tonight. I may be lost in the tubes, but she's lost everywhere. And I wish she wasn't. I look at her, and I see a shell, I see a person whose soul has fled. I wish I could help her get it back, but I can't.
2 comments:
As a present, but once-irresponsible dad, let me tell you that is the one thing worse than an absent and irresponsible parent. I'm sorry about you having to go through this, although I'm especially sorry for your kids.
Reading that post reminded me of "The Crow" where Brandon forces the heroin from the veins of that girl's mother. He then says to her, "Mother is the name for God on the hearts and lips of children."
No consolation, just empathy. It's all I got.
I haven't thought of that scene in forever- Back around the time that pic of my ex was took- I used to combine my cheapness with my dubious artistic talents and make calendars for the grandparentals as Christmas presents. I had a pic of Andrea and my daughter with that very saying going around the picture as a frame - "Mother is the name for God on the hearts and lips of children." I haven't ever forgiven her for what she did to them. Being a bastard myself, I can't help but expect more subconsciously from a mother. All the father figures in my life were definitely failures.
But she picked them up two hours ago and Amy gets to see her mom for her bday. I have ALWAYS been a fuckup when it came to women. But I've never allowed myself to screwup as a dad. It's really the One thing I have.Just being a Dad. I hope it makes up for all my other sins.
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