Creating your own deity

Before I slip... into .. un-consciousness,
I'd like to tell ya ... how I feel,
about ... this .. world,
heh

Shawn and Nikki are in the garage listening to Fade to Black by Metallica. I can hear the sounds emanating through the window into the den, over my chosen music, Glenn Danzig's instrumental; Black Aria. Andrea is cooking dinner in the kitchen. IT is 8:40 pm on a monday evening. I am just beginning to become sober again. :) We had just finished making love, we started in the living room, moved to the bathroom and ended up in the bedroom. I was pretty intoxicated, but not so much that I lost control or equilibrium. It was awesome, as usual. Andrea, is , nothing else, my equal in passion AND perversity. AH, life is good.

Life..

yes, that is what I was thinking about.

I am so very happy this day, none of my typical self hate bullshit overiding my pleasure this instant.

And now that I think about it, I really am ALWAYS fucking happy. Even if I dont realize it, Hell, I HAVE everything I need... I GET anything I want... No desires refused to me. No one stands in my way.

In a lot of ways, I am GOD of my world. I make myself a god. I dont accept anything Less. Why should anyone?

Every one lives in their own world. I just happen to RULE mine. I couldnt live any other way. People bend to those that are strong enough to make them kneel. I kneel to no one. I never will. I would die first. Pride may fuck up a lot of things for me, but it pays for itself a thousand times over. All I HAVE IS ALL I AM IS ALL I EVER WILL BE. or to put it a better way:
ALL THAT I AM IS ALL THAT I EVER WILL BE , and THAT is ALL THAT I WILL EVER HAVE.

TRUST? Someone besides myself? I trust no one. I give freedoms to some of my friends who I believe will respect those gifts, I give my heart to Andrea, and trust that She will not Fuck me.

LOVE? Love thyelf, and others will be attracted to that security. To Love another- that is the only faith I will ever have.

HOPE? I hope... that I am not a fool.... that God doesnt hate me for not believing in "Him"... that I am right about all this bullshit.

By the way, You like all this BULLSHIT? It keeps me occupied while I am not fucking some girl or drinking some alcohol or working. I mean, I dont know what the fuck I'm talking about, sometimes I think I KNOW, but I really dont, I admit it, though, and doesnt that count for SOMETHING>? Yeah, probably not. Well, no one will ever read this, no matter how much I fantasize that I am some genius and that everyone in the world can learn from my precious insights. So who gives a rotten fuck, right>>? Maybe Evan or Andrew will read this some day, and maybe understand a little better who their dad was, or maybe they will be better off not knowing. I have no clue. I had no father. No fount of wisdom. I had a guy who left and a guy who was in love with having a son but didnt love himself enough to love me.

I enjoy life. Even if I hate it. I enjoy what I can. I fear these deeper introspections because they reveal how shallow life really is.

It hurts me to understand. I do understand. Everytime I comprehend some new layer, or learn something new, it hurts me more.

IGNORANCE IS BLISS. Bliss ...

So Excuse me, if I drown myself in my newest obsession, let myself be swallowed in an orgy of orgasm and lust and drunken revelry. The alternative is a life of sober realization. I see the world as it TRULY is. And it is , for lack of a better phrase, WRONG. And there is nothing that I will ever accomplish that will change human nature. I can be the "God" of my own little world. But I can't be everyone's god.

More's the pity, eh?

Impotent Deity of my own creation,
Slave to all my obsessive sensation,
Reality,,, that cruel, cruel lie
All that I want is just to become a sigh.

1998