Lost on Purpose

Lost on Purpose

Ambivalent Gods
Legends of our own Lament
Always seeking Loss

 

-Fade 

Damn, when I was feeding off the media frenzy about Amy Winehouse, I was just taking in what they gave me about her- What a freak, what a fuckup...

 

And the more I listen to her music, the more I now understand what an absolute loss it was to the world to let her be discarded the way we allowed her to be...

 

It's okay in the day, I'm staying busy
Tied up enough so I don't have to wonder where is he
Got so sick of crying, so just lately
When I catch myself I do a 180

 

I stay up, clean the house, at least I'm not drinking
Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking
That silent sense of content that everyone gets
Just disappears soon as the sun sets

 

This face in my dreams seizes my guts
He floods me with dread
Soaked in soul, he swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him, moon spilling in

 And I wake up alone

 

If I was my heart I'd rather be restless
Second I stop the sleep catches up and I'm breathless
As this ache in my chest, as my day is done now
The dark covers me and I cannot run now

 

My blood running cold, I stand before him
It's all I can do to assure him
When he comes to me, I drip for him tonight
Drowned in me, we bathe under blue light

 

His face in my dreams seizes my guts
He floods me with dread
Soaked in soul, he swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him, moon spilling in

And I wake up alone

 

And I wake up alone

And I wake up alone

And I wake up alone

Read more: Amy Winehouse - Wake Up Alone Lyrics | MetroLyrics

The Drowned Girl

The Drowned Girl
Drowned by the moonlight
embrace the tides that kill pride
Love-a liquid grave

Fade, 10/9/13

Beauty, like Art, is where you find it. Or- Where you pull it from the Nether. "Finding" it suggests a lack of effort, unfortunately- But- Like all worthy endeavors- Pulling art from the Nether- is a labor- whose reward is endless.

You love me, for my endless audacity in never failing to attempt to pull it forth. And I love you- for your endless appreciation for the effort of the art itself. AND- even more so for your endless comprehension. You are amongst a handful of worthies among my FB friends. I won't stoop to tagging them. They Know who they are.

Learning to Love, for beginners

Krystal:‎ I don't love you. Just need some support right now from a friend that knows me really well. Sorry if you can't handle that

Me:‎ its all good

 

Krystal:‎ K,

i'm sorry but I felt you deserve my honesty

Me:‎ . Your honesty is a depressing thing...for You.

I hope you can find love and joy in the future. I feel like you have none-  I want you to understand that love isn't some curse

but i'm older, and you're young and in pain. I remember that feeling

 

Truth is, nowadays i'm pretty happy. And I do love you- and the fact that you may not understand that doesn't diminish it, or make it less.

 

it doesn't hurt me. I DO Love. I love you, I love my kids, and I love myself.

 

I love freely and I love often. It keeps me sane. I hope you get there

But if you WANT friends- REAL friends- you will have to start loving. something. anything.

 

otherwise you'll just be an empty shell. I love the craziness you bring to my days- the absolute drama, the soap opera silliness of it all. You do make me feel for you- you make me want to save you- then, as I am drawing you out of the darkness, one handhold at a time- you throw yourself willingly back into the pit

 

been there, done that.

 

And so I know, the ONLY one that can save you - is yourself.

 

One day, you will look back and you will realize- "What the fuck do you know?! That crazy bastard DID love me!" And really, I don't want any prizes for that-= I just want you to understand that love is easier than you make it out to be.

 

You CAN love someone and it doesn't have to be the end of the world.There doesn't even have to be any RULES to it.

 

Turn your phone off. disconnect. do something for that new guy to show him who you are, instead of gaming for position in the cutthroat world of who is controlling who.

 

You may even learn to love yourself, hun.

Conversations: Self Absorbtion, part 215

K

Whiskey in the morning love, going to be a grand fine day :).I love you

 

L

I love you too. You like Patty?

 

K

very nice. Lil took Twist to Arizona…seeing Evan and Andrew

 

L

I usually cry at that song

 

K

I was so pissed at first- and then I realized I was just feeling jealous and guilty- she's doing what I should be. I am such an absolute failure at times. I put in the day to day efforts, but never the big ones

 

L

You're human.

 

K

I don't want to be - I pretend to be larger than life= Sometimes, i even AM. The only thing larger than my self righteousness is my hypocrisy. God, I boil, in this head of mine

 

L

That's what I'm here for.

 

K

I Know. And I'd say that is why i love you, but that's a selfish reason. I love you for so much more than that, anyway, but in the low tides, I do appreciate you knowing who i am

i am in many ways a hermit, even in this town

 

L

I fully accept you for the shithead you are.

 

K

sometimes i'll see someone looking at me with Pity. Jesus fucking Christ.

i'm pitied. I'd rather be hated

 

L

They don't know you.

 

K

maybe they do- maybe i am a fool for not finding love where it is

Not bringing you here

 

L

And why do you care what they think?

 

K

not giving, not freeing myself. I don't, but a man has to reflect. Only a fool ignores his surroundings. The day you stop learning is the day you die

L

You are a fool. But you wouldn't be you if you did anything differently.

 

K

if i knew it all, i'd be happy. And i'm not. damn= maybe I've become a caricature of the wounded drunken artist that I've emulated all these years

 

L

If you knew it all, there'd only be a different reason you're not happy.

Art imitates life?

 

K

Life imitates art, i am afraid

Me, spiting appearances, only to mold myself into a cookie cutter image anyway

AND THAT is the absolute shittiest thing I've ever realized.

about myself

Fuck- I AM that predictable, in my own unpredictability.

ouch.

 

L

I knew that.

 

K

i guess, that i didn’t. dammit. I don't want to be afuckin joke. Especially when i'm not the one laughing

 

L

Nobody said you were a joke.

Don't go there Kirk.

Is punishing yourself going to make you feel better, or change anything?

 

K

The point is, To LEARN.

 

L

So what's the lesson?

 

K

Must it be so focused? I suppose the lesson is to NOT make your life a joke, to not be pitied, to Love and be loved. and i know that's foolish- for every one person that loves what you do, another will equally hate it

 

L

I think, to love and be loved... Is pretty much the essence of the soul.

 

K

The Lesson, THIS lesson- is NOT to be predictable. Or is it? I am investing too much into other's perceptions of who I am. The most unpredictable person is the fool who does not know themselves.

 

L

You can't take into account others hearts. Worry about your own. The rest will follow.

 

K

I Know myself. This i do.

 

L

When are you gonna forgive yourself?

Let love in.

 

K

I'm trying.

There's a lot of surrender involved, and most of me is ME because i never Surrender

L

But if your surrendering to something better, isn't it worth it?

 

K

Now, there's where it gets complicated. I surrender today, and tomorrow, she realizes it wasn't something better. Or I do. And then all this big heart of mine or hers- proves itself as hollow. The thing is, you don't know until you TRY. And most of the time, its me- and it hurts just the same- because I wanted it to be that true love- and it wasn't, and now I have to be the dick- and i have to break HER heart because I don't settle for less. and when its her, that has to be the dick- to whom I don't meet their expectations in the end- I know how she feels- but I'm still lost in love- because she met all mine- and its a crushing, crushing thing to love someone absolutely and know they are discarding you for something so abstract as "expectations"

 

L

Why does it have to be so conditional?

K

why does fire burn?

 

L

I don't do expectations. And not being with someone doesn't mean you love them less. I love Rusty, I love Jason, but I don't want to be with them. It doesn't have to hurt.

Failure isn't bad. It just is. Take love for what it is, and be grateful.

I love you.

 

K

and I you

transcribing this all, btw

we always have really good conversations

 

L

Good, you need to write.

We have honest conversation.

 

K

brutally so, sometimes, brutal and beautiful

 

 

K:
If all that you fight for in your life is yourself, then you are as nothing.

M: 
There's a verse in the Bible-- No, wait! I'm not preaching! Forget I said that word!-- that says something like he who tries to hang on to his life will lose it, but he who lays it down will gain. I always think of it in terms of parenting (Sorry, Jesus!). Those who try to have a "life" at the expense of their kids loses. Those who lay down their lives for their kids are the ones who truly gain/live.

K:
This is why I will always love you, M.

I wasn't thinking of kids, more of causes, but its a good analogy (Thank you Jesus)- To be a Parent - be it of a cause or of a child- is to take responsibility-it is to take a Stand- it is to put yourself between those in need and the storm. If all you are protecting is your own small little world- then you don't stand for much at all. Stand for more than yourself, stand for MORE than your OWN children-

Stand for Everyone's.

Shock me

Blind me with the bright light of your ambivalence,
Smother me with your airy sense of discord
Drown me in your tears of self interest
Crush me with the weight of your Martyrdom-

Shock me by caring about someone other than yourself-