Whiskey in the morning love, going
to be a grand fine day :).I love you
I love you too. You like Patty?
very nice. Lil took Twist to Arizona…seeing
Evan and Andrew
I usually cry at that song
I was so pissed at first- and then I
realized I was just feeling jealous and guilty- she's doing what I should be. I
am such an absolute failure at times. I put in the day to day efforts, but
never the big ones
You're human.
I don't want to be - I pretend to be
larger than life= Sometimes, i even AM. The only thing larger than my self
righteousness is my hypocrisy. God, I boil, in this head of mine
That's what I'm here for.
I Know. And I'd say that is why i
love you, but that's a selfish reason. I love you for so much more than that,
anyway, but in the low tides, I do appreciate you knowing who i am
i am in many ways a hermit, even in
this town
I fully accept you for the shithead
you are.
sometimes i'll see someone looking
at me with Pity. Jesus fucking Christ.
i'm pitied. I'd rather be hated
They don't know you.
maybe they do- maybe i am a fool for
not finding love where it is
Not bringing you here
And why do you care what they think?
not giving, not freeing myself. I
don't, but a man has to reflect. Only a fool ignores his surroundings. The day
you stop learning is the day you die
You are a fool. But you wouldn't be
you if you did anything differently.
if i knew it all, i'd be happy. And
i'm not. damn= maybe I've become a caricature of the wounded drunken artist
that I've emulated all these years
If you knew it all, there'd only be
a different reason you're not happy.
Art imitates life?
Life imitates art, i am afraid
Me, spiting appearances, only to
mold myself into a cookie cutter image anyway
AND THAT is the absolute shittiest
thing I've ever realized.
about myself
Fuck- I AM that predictable, in my
own unpredictability.
ouch.
I knew that.
i guess, that i didn’t. dammit. I
don't want to be afuckin joke. Especially when i'm not the one laughing
Nobody said you were a joke.
Don't go there Kirk.
Is punishing yourself going to make
you feel better, or change anything?
The point is, To LEARN.
So what's the lesson?
Must it be so focused? I suppose the
lesson is to NOT make your life a joke, to not be pitied, to Love and be loved.
and i know that's foolish- for every one person that loves what you do, another
will equally hate it
I think, to love and be loved... Is
pretty much the essence of the soul.
The Lesson, THIS lesson- is NOT to
be predictable. Or is it? I am investing too much into other's perceptions of
who I am. The most unpredictable person is the fool who does not know
themselves.
You can't take into account others
hearts. Worry about your own. The rest will follow.
I Know myself. This i do.
When are you gonna forgive yourself?
Let love in.
I'm trying.
There's a lot of surrender involved, and most of me is ME
because i never Surrender
But if your surrendering to something better, isn't it worth it?
Now, there's where it gets complicated. I surrender today, and tomorrow,
she realizes it wasn't something better. Or I do. And then all this big heart
of mine or hers- proves itself as hollow. The thing is, you don't know until you
TRY. And most of the time, its me- and it hurts just the same- because I wanted
it to be that true love- and it wasn't, and now I have to be the dick- and i
have to break HER heart because I don't settle for less. and when its her, that has to be the dick- to whom I don't meet their
expectations in the end- I know how she feels- but I'm still lost in love-
because she met all mine- and its a crushing, crushing thing to love someone
absolutely and know they are discarding you for something so abstract as
"expectations"
why does fire burn?
I don't do expectations. And not being with someone doesn't mean you love
them less. I love Rusty, I love Jason, but I don't want to be with them. It
doesn't have to hurt.
Failure isn't bad. It just is. Take love for what it is, and be grateful.
I love you.
and I you
transcribing this all, btw
we always have really good conversations
Good, you need
to write.
We have honest conversation.
brutally so, sometimes, brutal and beautiful
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