K.I.S.S.

Keep It Simple, Shithead-

Things looking up lately. The whole dating thang, not so much, really. But it is probably why I don't date much anyway- I probably don't want the constant companionship.

Nice girls. Nice feelings. Nice dates.

Nice just don't cut it, for me. That way lies complacency and disinterest. I just haven't met anyone who really has that gravitational pull- the woman who draws me into her orbit and I can't just walk away from. I'll find her.

It make take blasting through a few solar systems though...

But everything else is going good. The job- couldn't be better. Accolades, challenges, rewards. Definitely keeps me interested. The kids- we are definitely coming into the teen years. But, I rule with a firm, yet fair hand. Theres some mutual respect going on. We ALL know what we should be doing, and when we aren't doing it.

Sometimes, I think, that around this Podunk town- where I normally would be ostracized- that my kids are what garner me the most respect. They'd love to label me the way they want... But, all they have is their own clueless misconceptions. And they see how good both my daughters are, and scratch their heads, and kind of have to tilt their heads sideways a bit when they look at me, as if to wrap their heads around this heathen beer swilling metalhead man who doesnt go to any of their churches, being a better dad than most of them.

I'd love to say half the reason I do it is just to drive the villagers crazy, but its just me. I'm a good dad. Who the fuck expected THAT?

Money= even that is doing better. I'm still working on the inner psychology of my perpetual wanton misuse of finances. It's like I don't want to have money because I fear it will corrupt me the way it did my dad. I guess that's the heart of it= that, and my mother was always so much happier than Dad, poor as she always was... Is this some inner tithe I pay at Her altar? Respect for her way, the indian way I sometimes don't even think she realized she embraced subconsciously, while I simultaneously disrespect the white, christian man's Real God - Money?

Hammer, meet Nailhead.

I still live in my own little world. I work it, churn it, twist it, and mold it to fit MY way. And it does work out most of the time. I'll admit, its a lot of work to fight it that way- but Its damn sure worth it, in the end.

Listening to old shit while I muse... not too old tho, Whitey Ford heh. "God forbid you ever have to walk a mile in his shoes, cause then you might really know what its like to have to lose"

It's my world baby- you're just dying in it! And, meanwhile, I'm dying in yours. Odd, how that whole bigger picture works.

Life is good. This minute. Stay tuned, I'll let you know how the next decade ends up

hide and seek

Most people hide their true selves from the world...

I reveal my true self, and hide myself in the shadows of my own revelations.

Babochka haiku

Drunken butterfly
lost in your happenstance dance-
Chaos is poetry

- for : Who else? Love you...

Sharing too much

(copied from a facebook post today, which i deleted shortly after...)

I shared a little too much at work today..talking about the past. Sometimes that whole "i=dont=give=a=shT" attitude bites me in the ass. I forget that most of my closest friends are all from the time I came back to Lubbock from college. And they know me well. They just dont know how I grew up...

geez, i seriously dont know what comes over me sometimes- this overwhelming need to tell the truth.. it just gets me in trouble

I actually told a group of women at lunch (thank god I dont eat lunch often) that I could count the friends i grew up with who WERENT criminals on one hand...

Todd is my oldest friend. He knew me when I was just me- back before Jr High hits and you get all caught up in all the bullshit. And I am the same guy I was back then. And he is too, i believe. But life picks you up like a west texas wind, and sometimes you just dont fight it enough.

And I'd like to say I still talk to All my old friends... And they are all here on FB. ... But, the crowd i ran with... well, we werent future=oriented, i suppose. Some are locked up. Some are dead. A few are just- gone. Hell, some of them I cant even find on google. Shit, you are worse than dead if you cant google yourself, right?

Out of the limbo years, 13 thru 18, Shawn Henderson is the only one I still see with any regularity. And, sometimes, its a tossup which one of us should be in jail ... but we managed to avoid it, somehow. Cant tell you how. He's got a wonderful wife, and a beautiful little girl. And neither of us really know how we escaped it all. Least of all us

I mean, I know. I gave it up. I had that one last scare, I saw one too many idiots go down for the stupidest shit. And i managed to half=ass stay out of trouble ever since. And avoid the big trouble that you cant ever walk away from. It was my boys that saved me, at first. And later, my girls.

And I'm a good dad. It keeps me from self-destructing. Every damn day.

And i'm gonna delete all this shit shortly and i'll have exorcised this stuff from my guilt ridden heart one more time, and that'll last me another little while, and everything will be alright

Todd replies: I think you survived by a combination of Dumb Luck and the influence of a great woman, Paula.

Me: I cannot argue with that. She always liked you. Like me, she was a very good judge of character

Merrily, Verily

Life is only as much of a dream, or a nightmare, as you make it/let it become.

I remember listening to Physical Graffiti over and over during my first year with Angie, in Dallas. When I first broke away from my friends in my first real relationship. I am so naturally wired, most of the time, I forgot how much this album brings me down, to where I need to be...

...The world is a retard...

So, I'm drinking a little whiskey...

yeah :)

No crazy rant this time. Just replaying some of the shit Lauren told me the last time she was here. The day I watched her screaming and ranting on my porch, while I calmly walked to my truck and got in, then drove off.

The high road. Its not a path I'm used to, that's for sure. But its a road that gets easier to travel on the longer I'm on it.

She can rant and rave all she wants.

There's no two ways about it, in the end- She picked her path. And she didnt ask the girls what they thought about it. She didn't ask Tristan what he thought about it. She did what was best for her. And, hey, more power to her. Some people have that benefit. They can analyze their situation and go towards the door that offers them the most oppurtunity.

I am a different breed.

What is "best for me" never quite factored in.

I do what is best for Them. Everytime. Without exception. Its not even conscious. Maybe you can chalk it up to some psychological self-hate and self-doubt.

Whatever helps you sleep at night. This is my self-sacrifice. Me, the grand ego deity of myself- checks my godhood at the door each night to make sure my girls are taken care of.

I know how worthless I am. I know how important they are.

So pardon me if I dont fall down at the venom of Lauren and her newfound parental glory.

Fuck you, my dear, I've been doing this awhile. It might be argued I only married you FOR THEM. And, after all that, you FAIL them in such spectactular fashion.

Well, can't say I'm surprised. The selfishness of women has yet to surprise me. And you can rail at the Evil that-is-Kirk all you can. The truth- well, its just the fuckin truth, aint it?

And while, you , full of vainglorious self=righteousness, always spin away, telling tales of my wickedness- I sit here humbly, through all my bluster, and pick up the pieces- FOR THEM- once again.

I'm here. You are there.

Reconcile it however your little mind allows.

One way is for yourself. The other way is for something beyond yourself.

I'm not gonna hold my breath hoping you figure it out. But- I DO HOPE YOU FIGURE IT OUT.

for the children's sake.