Sunday, March 18, 2012

Chaos in the time of Jesus

Half of me wants to die, half of me wants to teach, and half of me wants to live

So tell me to stop

Report · 10:52am
the only thing that keeps me going is knowing there ARE people out there like you, who understand something GREATER
Its afucking joke
but one i cant stop telling

Report · 10:53am
We need to try.
Chat Conversation End
Lauren is typing...

I need to feel you.

Report · 10:48am

Report · 10:48am
the more i feel, the more
the more i feel, the more i hate
this world isnt for the thinkers. it isnt for the feelers
its for the fucking cattle and their self imposed prods
Half of me wants to die, half of me wants to teach, and half of me wants to live

So tell me to stop

Report · 10:52am
the only thing that keeps me going is knowing there ARE people out there like you, who understand something GREATER
Its afucking joke
but one i cant stop telling

Report · 10:53am
We need to try.

You can believe in rhyme, reason, and religion, or you can refute it all. The "winners" are the ones who can justify any evil, in the name of their deity of choice. When you can write off those who "oppose" you it makes it so much easier to wipe them out

God must be a complicated fucker. Because none of this shit makes any sense.
Me: and all of me wants to tell you people to choke on your world full of shit

Me: What the fuck am I supposed to be doing, Ang? Patting myself on the back for "knowing better" in the face of the vile ignorance behind it all?
3 minutes ago · LikeUnlike

Me: And,lo, he shall pull his head back in his turtle shell and remove himself from the world, and remove the world from himself. And we''ll all pretend it isnt some bad dream. Anyone need something from walmart?

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Fortune's son

Clutching pride-
the only way i know
Treason inside,
Keep it in? or let it flow?

world, around, i find it...
Laugh at it all, give it my
Last- shot.

Bear my soul for my "jewels"
Reconcile my path-always dual

Amber, Amethyst, Mercury, and Steel
All define my soul's will.

The sum of All divide by -
Four strange hears- A collective sigh
One for fate. Not always mine
One, too early, but look at him shine-
One too old, before her time-
And one too late, to be your sign.

Two generations, going on twenty
Each one a vital shred-
soul, self, power, ego- a'plenty


Not every man's lucky enough to watch their immortality unfold.

Surely, I am fortune's son.

Lost is good

My life has been one un-ending series of love affairs.

One after another.

I'm in love with the world.

-too bad I hate it

I'm always in love with somebody, something. some philosophy, some car, some song, some poem, some MOMENT.

Keeps me moving along.

"Tales from Never-Never Land:stories of a man who lost in love and lived.

"It's when I lose myself in what I imagine are other people's expectations of what I should be-or should have become- that I bring myself down."

for the mercury in my life

Confessions of a self-hating pimp

looks like i've reverted back to my old ways....

And i was being such a good boy...

Well, hell.

It comes back, easy, to be honest. I am searching for this "moral high ground" but that place just doesnt exist. I maintained an asexual existence for the past- whatever-the-hell-it-was... and what did it matter?

I suddenly decide to need again, and I fall back into it. And its good. Damn. Its more than good. Its fucking pretty well excellent. Giving love always at least as much as i get it.

What can i say? I love to please. And, apparently, I haven't forgotten how :P

Been a lovely couple of weeks. and I want to fall in love. But that whole "Falling " thing isnt really part of my plans.

I can barely let go of myself.

I try.

Gods know, i do.

And they all make me feel like a god. And , i know i do my damndest to make them feel like my one and only goddess- if only for a night.

And so, here I am , stuck in limbo:

I'm the best man you could ever hope for- for about a three hour period of love,lust, and romance.

I give you everything; I surrender it all, i throw my heart to the wind

And ... in that quiet moment, afterwards. you realize... it wasnt YOU. and all that euphoria turns to resentment. And I cant help you with that.

Take it while you can get it. Embrace it. Suck it dry. and move on.

Saturday, March 3, 2012


Keep It Simple, Shithead-

Things looking up lately. The whole dating thang, not so much, really. But it is probably why I don't date much anyway- I probably don't want the constant companionship.

Nice girls. Nice feelings. Nice dates.

Nice just don't cut it, for me. That way lies complacency and disinterest. I just haven't met anyone who really has that gravitational pull- the woman who draws me into her orbit and I can't just walk away from. I'll find her.

It make take blasting through a few solar systems though...

But everything else is going good. The job- couldn't be better. Accolades, challenges, rewards. Definitely keeps me interested. The kids- we are definitely coming into the teen years. But, I rule with a firm, yet fair hand. Theres some mutual respect going on. We ALL know what we should be doing, and when we aren't doing it.

Sometimes, I think, that around this Podunk town- where I normally would be ostracized- that my kids are what garner me the most respect. They'd love to label me the way they want... But, all they have is their own clueless misconceptions. And they see how good both my daughters are, and scratch their heads, and kind of have to tilt their heads sideways a bit when they look at me, as if to wrap their heads around this heathen beer swilling metalhead man who doesnt go to any of their churches, being a better dad than most of them.

I'd love to say half the reason I do it is just to drive the villagers crazy, but its just me. I'm a good dad. Who the fuck expected THAT?

Money= even that is doing better. I'm still working on the inner psychology of my perpetual wanton misuse of finances. It's like I don't want to have money because I fear it will corrupt me the way it did my dad. I guess that's the heart of it= that, and my mother was always so much happier than Dad, poor as she always was... Is this some inner tithe I pay at Her altar? Respect for her way, the indian way I sometimes don't even think she realized she embraced subconsciously, while I simultaneously disrespect the white, christian man's Real God - Money?

Hammer, meet Nailhead.

I still live in my own little world. I work it, churn it, twist it, and mold it to fit MY way. And it does work out most of the time. I'll admit, its a lot of work to fight it that way- but Its damn sure worth it, in the end.

Listening to old shit while I muse... not too old tho, Whitey Ford heh. "God forbid you ever have to walk a mile in his shoes, cause then you might really know what its like to have to lose"

It's my world baby- you're just dying in it! And, meanwhile, I'm dying in yours. Odd, how that whole bigger picture works.

Life is good. This minute. Stay tuned, I'll let you know how the next decade ends up