Self Consciousness

Been a depressing week. Things are doing well, comparatively. Promotion, raise. That's always good. Girls are doing well. Evan has moved out of his mother's house. (and in with a girlfriend- from one woman's embrace to another, but hey-still a good thing).

Andrew seems happy. That's good. I miss talking to Evan, but what ya gonna do? You can't push your kids. If you do, you only end up pushing them away. It kills me, it really does. I can only offer love and support and wait.

Amy's doing good, Rain's doing good. Amy's got my inner boiling. Rain's got my outer ranting. I get the feeling Amy is mad at me because of her mom, but Jesus-fucking-christ. I bite my tongue as much as I can when it comes to Andrea. I finally defriended her on fb. I had her on my list, mainly so i could monitor her posts and make sure she didn't talk about drugs, or sex, or inappropriate bullshit. But, fuck me, I couldn't hang. I could not deal with her self-absorbed horseshit. It was driving me nuts. The girls are smart. One of these days, they are going to see their moms reality for what it is. I can' t let Andrea rent space in my head any more. Its way too unhealthy.

Gods curse me for an eternal fool, but I get it, now. I love her. The girls love her. So many people have loved her, all these years- only to get burned over and over again. I hate her in the same breath that I love her, but love is so much stronger.

She doesn't call the girls, she doesnt send them birthday presents or christmas presents, but she comes on fb- once or twice a week and tells them she loves them....

And, wow. Parallels upon parallels. What a total mindfuck. She treats the girls like I treat all the women in my life: she ekes out a tiny bit of affection periodically, never what they need, but just enough to keep them clamoring for more.

I try NOT to psychoanalyze myself or the situation too much. But i can't help it. And I wonder how MUCH of this blame is my own. None of it is the girls, but they shoulder the brunt of Andrea's bullshit.

And I, meanwhile, wonder why I'm single. I'd like to blame myself too much at times, and compare myself to her TOO MUCH, and think I'm to blame for never falling in love since ...

But i aint her. If i was, I would have run off just like she did. I wouldnt be here, night after night, paying the bills and taking care of my girls -first- before I ever think of myself.

... I fail at being able to commit anew though. It may be because I am so in love with her. But, i dont think it really is that. I just am tired of having to give up so much of myself in order to be with a woman. Women demand A LOT. I want to find a woman who I make happy- as I am. I dont want to find a woman that I need to change, to mold, to my own ideals. I want to find someone who I love as she is. And who will love me for who i am.

And i'm not going to compromise on that. And if that means I wont ever settle, well, fuck it. I'll live alone. Its not that big of a deal.