Strange days, stranger nights

Nights like this are weird... when i "pine for the fjords" as Jon W would say...

Empty house, so I have time to think, and often- thats a bad thing. When the girls are here, I dont have time for that- its all about them. But when they are gone, its a little precursor of life-when-they-leave.

For now, its a welcome respite. Free time to myself. I can wander around the house in my underwear, drink too much (and not have to maintain) and just be myself.

It's nice. But. its boring as fuck. And weird nights like this make me think of the old, wilder days.

Days of Adrenaline, Testosterone, and Mindless agression.

Some good nights, some bad nights. Never a boring night to be found.

It's hard to settle in to this "peaceful" existence after all that.

I work on the yard, and when I'm done- I pace, back and forth. I wonder is this ADD, ADHD, or alcohol fetal syndrome? I cant relax- without the obligatory drinks..

Books are the only escape. Saved by literature. Take myself out of this world and into the next.

I want absolutely nothing from this world now.

Not- a - goddamn - thing.

And, nights like this= without the girls here to keep me anchored to my duty- make me wild and antsy. They make me dangerous.

and i know this.

So, in my wisdom, i settle in, and numb the beast that is my mind with alcohol and distraction.

And sometimes it isnt enough.

When I cant crawl in the bottle fast enough. And the Fire rises, the passion erupts- and Sitting here- with nothing better to do, I start ...

And so I use my last weapon against myself- my memory- and I pour those memories on the fire that is my desire...

I think back- to all those fucked up things= all that craziness. And its so addictive, the madness of that time- such a life of excess and immediate gratification. The violence, outwards AND inwards. The self-hate, the misanthropy, the lust for the destruction of the world itself.

And I struggle to focus on those hateful memories, to draw those blurry images back into Focus- in order to make myself remember, AGAIN, how worthless that life was- damn the excitement that surrounded it.

on the odd nights like this, when I search so eagerly for destruction- to others, to myself, dont really fucking matter- its very hard to keep myself in this one place, where I dont fuck up anything.

But, I'm writing, and these words are my last refuge.

The Simpler Life

Every day is a struggle, a gift and a curse.

Its up to you to determine how much weight you put into each of those categories.

Letting go for love

Babochka

"Come down and waste away with me"

I love you more than that... I would think you knew.

"If anything could feel this real,forever"

It doesn't. It can't.

"Breathe out, so I can breathe you in."

sigh. A man can dream, cant he? perfect dreams. Perfect illusions.

You excite me, y0u inflame my ego with your attentions- we are so alike. But you have your dream. Playing with possibilities denigrates that. KNOW THIS: I love you. As much as I love anyone or anything. And you love him. And HE loves YOU. I have been called an evil bastard many times. But. i'd rather die than fuck up true love. And THAT IS what you have.

i'm a jealous motherfucker. But I aint a hater. Love. Love him and let him love you. Its such a rare thing, Babochka. iTs such a fucking easy thing, if you let it be.

Commonplace tragedies

soooo tired. So fucking worn out, worn in, worn through...

I love,, in my memory.

IN my life, not so much.

Without

I miss you

and if you wonder if its YOU that i'm missing= you are right.

Joys in life

I told her i loved her tonight...

I could say I am not sure why I said it- but that's bullshit.

I wanted her to know. Not because I'm selling anything. Not because I'm trying to take her for my own...

Because- i wanted her to know. She brings joy to my life. And I appreciate that. So little does these days...

I WANT to be what you all want me to be. I just CANT. i know why, but the why doesnt help -a-fucking-thing.

Giving in is too much like Giving up

I'm going to choke this bitch for all she's worth.

I DONT want anyone else. Cuz then I'd have to give up doing what i want, whenever I want, every fucking day for the rest of my fucking life.

Last night, in the ride to the party
I started talking about the things I truly enjoy

Its a short list

What, I asked myself, do I enjoy, completely, ultimately, consistently?

No matter what the situation- No matter what else is going on-
Three things make me happy everytime. I could organize them in any way I want, but i'll just list them in the order as they occurred to me:
DRINKING: Never fails. And it makes me feel good.
FUCKING: I'm good a it. And it makes me feel good.
Taking care of my kids: The only worthwhile endeavor on my list. I dont put it here because it makes me look like less of an asshole. i put it here, because I love it and it brings me all the happiness in the world. Even better than drinking and fucking, cuz there's no guilt involved.

walking the line

Well, i work for the city
in the town where I grew up
Some days I run a backhoe,
some days I run a dump

If I had other plans, on my graduation day
then several years ago, I guess i hauled them all away

She told me she was pregnant on the day I turned 18
I did what you're supposed to do, I bought her a ring

He didnt have to ask us...
but he asked us anyway

We stood up, and said I DO-
what else were we gonna say>

what else were we gonna say

Well, I'm thankful for the things I have,
And all the things I don't
And I got dreams that will come true,
And I got some that won't..

Most the time, I just walk the line, wherever it goes
cuz you caint hang yourself, if you aint got enough rope

Race Whores

Dude, i grew up in the spanish hood (west Tx, tho, Where There Are no MexiCANTS) and they are pretty proud of that Mexican label. I was actually gonna google chicano, but I'm too busy surfing porn and Lord Byron's poetry analysis. I feel so sorry for all you "race purists" I am such a mongrel, I dont have these classification conundrums. One day I call myself redneck, next day i cam embrace my inner irish nigga, or I can crucify myself as the proud tribe member of oh hell, i've got blood from three Native American tribes that were constantly at war with each other= so just write me up as a guy who looks at anyone who is proud of their blood line with a healthy distaste and an eyebrow raised in a cautionary fashion.Being proud of something you cant control is kind of silly to me. But what the hell does a (insert fraction here) mulitiple half-breed know?

(from a post fucking with Angelo, of course, lol)

Lost, but never forgotten

finished watching Big Fish with the girls and Jet Ski. They are in bed now, me and the Jet are going on a lil bit of a crying drunk. Right now we are trading ominous songs, and drinking skull-shots of beer, chased with Gin and Wodka.

Jesse's Turn: Hank III : Stoned and Alone
Kirk's Turn: The Rev : Loaded Gun
Jess: Chris Rea : Road to Hell
Kirk: Robin Griffin Band : on the floor

Self Consciousness

Been a depressing week. Things are doing well, comparatively. Promotion, raise. That's always good. Girls are doing well. Evan has moved out of his mother's house. (and in with a girlfriend- from one woman's embrace to another, but hey-still a good thing).

Andrew seems happy. That's good. I miss talking to Evan, but what ya gonna do? You can't push your kids. If you do, you only end up pushing them away. It kills me, it really does. I can only offer love and support and wait.

Amy's doing good, Rain's doing good. Amy's got my inner boiling. Rain's got my outer ranting. I get the feeling Amy is mad at me because of her mom, but Jesus-fucking-christ. I bite my tongue as much as I can when it comes to Andrea. I finally defriended her on fb. I had her on my list, mainly so i could monitor her posts and make sure she didn't talk about drugs, or sex, or inappropriate bullshit. But, fuck me, I couldn't hang. I could not deal with her self-absorbed horseshit. It was driving me nuts. The girls are smart. One of these days, they are going to see their moms reality for what it is. I can' t let Andrea rent space in my head any more. Its way too unhealthy.

Gods curse me for an eternal fool, but I get it, now. I love her. The girls love her. So many people have loved her, all these years- only to get burned over and over again. I hate her in the same breath that I love her, but love is so much stronger.

She doesn't call the girls, she doesnt send them birthday presents or christmas presents, but she comes on fb- once or twice a week and tells them she loves them....

And, wow. Parallels upon parallels. What a total mindfuck. She treats the girls like I treat all the women in my life: she ekes out a tiny bit of affection periodically, never what they need, but just enough to keep them clamoring for more.

I try NOT to psychoanalyze myself or the situation too much. But i can't help it. And I wonder how MUCH of this blame is my own. None of it is the girls, but they shoulder the brunt of Andrea's bullshit.

And I, meanwhile, wonder why I'm single. I'd like to blame myself too much at times, and compare myself to her TOO MUCH, and think I'm to blame for never falling in love since ...

But i aint her. If i was, I would have run off just like she did. I wouldnt be here, night after night, paying the bills and taking care of my girls -first- before I ever think of myself.

... I fail at being able to commit anew though. It may be because I am so in love with her. But, i dont think it really is that. I just am tired of having to give up so much of myself in order to be with a woman. Women demand A LOT. I want to find a woman who I make happy- as I am. I dont want to find a woman that I need to change, to mold, to my own ideals. I want to find someone who I love as she is. And who will love me for who i am.

And i'm not going to compromise on that. And if that means I wont ever settle, well, fuck it. I'll live alone. Its not that big of a deal.