Monday, July 20, 2009

Undertow

(ack! survived the last post.. who knew it took 37 hours?! anyway-)

Pull me under
Pull me under
Pull me under

Waiting to drown, with ne’er a frown..

Lauren comes back Wednesday. She took Tristan to Kansas for the past month. The girls went to Andrea’s for the month. It’s the first time in nine years that she’s ever kept them for the month of July, like she’s supposed to . Amy makes me feel like this is all my fault, somehow.

Evan and Andrew don’t have the time of day to spare me. I guess I could force them to come down here, but I don’t want to do that. I wish, god I wish so bad that they would want to come spend time with me themselves. I’ve lost them, I suppose. I tread water while I wait for a time to come when they will want me in their lives, beyond their annual Christmas visit- collect their cash and their presents, pretend to give a shit and then go right back to their bitch ass worthless mother.

Yeah, I’m pissed, but I cant be at them- got to blame it on someone else. Else I’m a hypocrite of the highest order. I lay blame at my own fathers’ feet= both of them, the one I know, who was such a fucking abusive monster, and the one I didn’t know, whose abandonment has caused me a lifetime of hurt no less than Lee’s physical and mental abuse.

But fuck that. I’m not going to whine about this shit. I’m made of sterner stuff than that- they made me that way, I suppose. Bastards. I wish my boys knew how much I love them and how much I would give for them- of myself, I mean, I guess they should know, but I worry that they don’t.

Amy wants to blame me for everything, and all I can tell her is that I’ve been here- every day, every way. I didn’t drive their mom away, honestly, I am the one who brought her back, told her all was forgiven if she would just come visit them again.

But still, it’s the way of life= everyone’s attracted to the one who isn’t there for you. Everyone takes the person sitting there waiting on you, patiently, for granted.

Everyone thinks that person will ALWAYS be there…

And, I guess, when it comes to my kids, I will remain here, a parent scorned for sins 1000 times less than those of my own worthless fathers, whose love I chased after all those years.

All I can do, is offer support and love and be here, when they need me.
But damn, it hurts like I cant even write…

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I am so sick of this pretend existence
= i want to die but i DONT have to balls to off myself, well, not yet anyway

Anybody want to record me killng myself and make some cash>?
Somebody ought to get somethingn ouout fof thisn hsit


FUZCK

DIE bitch die
I am one beer away from locking myself in the garage with my durango running

But i need the right soundtrack. death doesnt scare me, loooking like an asshole scares me, which is extremely ironic, since i've perfected the art of being the biggest asshole ever

this is the worst epitath EVAH. lol

God, has anyone cemented their jackoff status like this? I think not; I am the greatest at something
apparently that something is getting drunk and killin myself with carbon monoxide .

My wife is coming back to me in 3 days

So if you need a motive, there you go

Ack. said the great cat. ACK said the less-than-great dipshit

Have a good time you defective fuckers


You may love Jesus, but all the other gods think hes's an asshole

Friday, July 10, 2009

Lessons... learned?

And when your wounds cannot teach you anything more, you either know what you need to know-
or you need more pain to teach you...

Thursday, July 9, 2009

the rising tide

The emotion hits hard, and I almost start crying before I know it-
It sweeps over me, pulls me off my grounded "reality" and spins me out,
all in a brief second.

I feel it-
I FEEL.

That may not seem like such a grand thing to you. But most times, I don't feel at all anymore.

Life goes deep, even if we don't trouble ourselves to move out of the shallows, most of the time. It runs deep in me, to depths I've visited, but don't often touch anymore. It's too painful, its too hot, its too extreme. It hurts to look at myself, in this too-bright mirror that cannot- will not lie to me about myself.

There's a lot of intoxicating things about my life- but the biggest temptation is to sink into the intoxication of pretend and pretense. To crawl back into the shallows and never leave again. To mold myself to simplicity and boundaries and walls and lock myself away in some fixed little world.

It seems so easy, but I end up hating myself and the chaos pours out of me when I put myself in that position anyway. Know thyself. And I know me all to fucking well.

I'll never settle for the simplicity, for the peaceful life of acceptance and surrender. In my never ending battle to sate my soul, I've become numb past the point I even thought possible, most of the time.

Sometimes even the quest for chaos seems a little bit rote.

Wherever I am, in this moment, I can feel it- and I can lust after it anew, and make myself promises I know I'm destined to break.. But, whatever it is that brought me here- to this point, to this awakened emotion, I appreciate it, I revel in it and I absorb it and let it absorb me. And I'll happily let these tears stream down my face- for a thousand reasons- and for no reason at all.

for the moment, I live again. And I am happy

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Easy answers

Cunts that kill
And desires that don't
And in between
I never get what I want

Even though paradise is a realization away
I always manage to brush it aside
I give the obvious up, to plunge into the fray
And pour myself into the doom that has already been tried

Life means so much, to me, who is a sacrifice
Love means so much, to one who sates,
Life fades for those who pay the price
Love pales, not a treasure, to the ones who wait...and wait...