Undertow

(ack! survived the last post.. who knew it took 37 hours?! anyway-)

Pull me under
Pull me under
Pull me under

Waiting to drown, with ne’er a frown..

Lauren comes back Wednesday. She took Tristan to Kansas for the past month. The girls went to Andrea’s for the month. It’s the first time in nine years that she’s ever kept them for the month of July, like she’s supposed to . Amy makes me feel like this is all my fault, somehow.

Evan and Andrew don’t have the time of day to spare me. I guess I could force them to come down here, but I don’t want to do that. I wish, god I wish so bad that they would want to come spend time with me themselves. I’ve lost them, I suppose. I tread water while I wait for a time to come when they will want me in their lives, beyond their annual Christmas visit- collect their cash and their presents, pretend to give a shit and then go right back to their bitch ass worthless mother.

Yeah, I’m pissed, but I cant be at them- got to blame it on someone else. Else I’m a hypocrite of the highest order. I lay blame at my own fathers’ feet= both of them, the one I know, who was such a fucking abusive monster, and the one I didn’t know, whose abandonment has caused me a lifetime of hurt no less than Lee’s physical and mental abuse.

But fuck that. I’m not going to whine about this shit. I’m made of sterner stuff than that- they made me that way, I suppose. Bastards. I wish my boys knew how much I love them and how much I would give for them- of myself, I mean, I guess they should know, but I worry that they don’t.

Amy wants to blame me for everything, and all I can tell her is that I’ve been here- every day, every way. I didn’t drive their mom away, honestly, I am the one who brought her back, told her all was forgiven if she would just come visit them again.

But still, it’s the way of life= everyone’s attracted to the one who isn’t there for you. Everyone takes the person sitting there waiting on you, patiently, for granted.

Everyone thinks that person will ALWAYS be there…

And, I guess, when it comes to my kids, I will remain here, a parent scorned for sins 1000 times less than those of my own worthless fathers, whose love I chased after all those years.

All I can do, is offer support and love and be here, when they need me.
But damn, it hurts like I cant even write…