Thursday, July 9, 2009

the rising tide

The emotion hits hard, and I almost start crying before I know it-
It sweeps over me, pulls me off my grounded "reality" and spins me out,
all in a brief second.

I feel it-
I FEEL.

That may not seem like such a grand thing to you. But most times, I don't feel at all anymore.

Life goes deep, even if we don't trouble ourselves to move out of the shallows, most of the time. It runs deep in me, to depths I've visited, but don't often touch anymore. It's too painful, its too hot, its too extreme. It hurts to look at myself, in this too-bright mirror that cannot- will not lie to me about myself.

There's a lot of intoxicating things about my life- but the biggest temptation is to sink into the intoxication of pretend and pretense. To crawl back into the shallows and never leave again. To mold myself to simplicity and boundaries and walls and lock myself away in some fixed little world.

It seems so easy, but I end up hating myself and the chaos pours out of me when I put myself in that position anyway. Know thyself. And I know me all to fucking well.

I'll never settle for the simplicity, for the peaceful life of acceptance and surrender. In my never ending battle to sate my soul, I've become numb past the point I even thought possible, most of the time.

Sometimes even the quest for chaos seems a little bit rote.

Wherever I am, in this moment, I can feel it- and I can lust after it anew, and make myself promises I know I'm destined to break.. But, whatever it is that brought me here- to this point, to this awakened emotion, I appreciate it, I revel in it and I absorb it and let it absorb me. And I'll happily let these tears stream down my face- for a thousand reasons- and for no reason at all.

for the moment, I live again. And I am happy

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