Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Ode to a Grandma

And, we buried Grandma today.

Ma-Ma. Helen Berryhill. Matriarch, Icon, Heart of the Berryhill clan.

It still has not hit me, her being gone. Like with Mom, my mind kept the loss at arm's length, for a time.

I know it will hit me. But right now, my heart is in limbo and my mind skirts the loss.

Listening to music. Girls have gone out, to go out to eat with Dad and Family. The obituary I wrote was well-received. Everyone seems to have "gotten" it. Even Dad. It was as close to the truth as this family gets....

The family knows. I guess I was shocked at how many of them understood what I was saying. Maybe Dad, Ryan and I are far more transparent than I believed. ?  But, it was good. Sometimes you got to quit holding that pain inside.

It was a good day.

And, now , I'm working slowly through my own pain- walking the labyrinth of my psyche, and twisting my way through the path to my own twisted heart.

And once I arrive at my destination, I'm hoping I will be able to sit myself down, exhale.

And find where I go from here.

Mom, gone. Ma gone. and now, Ma-Ma. I've had the blessing of all these strong, powerful women in my life. Everyone knows I'm wild and crazy and rebellious and Fuck you all and all that- but I've been tempered by these ladies existing in my life, and judging my actions.

and now, they are all gone from my life. I don't care about anyone else's judgement- Except, the young ones in my life- my children. And, their judgement does not hold the weight that my elders did.

Whew. Exhale. Exhale. exhale...

And now, the trick is to breathe in, and live life to my own standards, to my own judgement.

and hope that I don't fail myself.

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