Wednesday, October 31, 2012


Life aint always beautiful.
Sitting here, early morning blues. Andrea’s visiting. She’s asleep on the couch. We had a hear t – to- heart last night. Well, I say that, but I pretty much just poured my heart out to her. Maybe not what you expect= I did tell her I love her. But I never told her I wanted her back.

And sonuvabitch, it was hard to keep myself from trying.

But I just told her how I felt- and focused on how Amy and Rain deserved better, from her. I hope she gets it.

I know I will never love again.

And it’s a bittersweet thing. I want that feeling again. I want to feel alive again.
But I’m nothing if not a realist. And I know as much as part of me wants that world, that life-
I know I’m far too jaded for it now.
Nowadays, a little bit of drunken peace is all that I can hope for.

Time to reflect- Never- to forget. A few drinks in me- it used to be to dull the sharp edge of pain. Not anymore. There’s no pain, really, these days. Its mainly now to numb my self-awareness. Its to keep me from jumping to my next bad conclusion. The final one. And, I can’t go there. I still got to take care of a few things. I gotta keep on keeping on.

And the drinking keeps me on the path, not the opposite, like some might think.
It keeps me from moving forward. Cause I’m always leaping before I look. But in this case, I’ve looked. I’ve looked down the road into infinity and I’ve found the end of my road. And, without a sedative to slow me down- I’d jump right into the face of fate.

So, it’s a waiting game. Breathe in, Breathe out. EASY, mothefucker. Slow down. All things in good time.

I know my limitations. FINALLY. Heh.

So I restrain myself- every day, every hour, every minute. It’s a hard, thing. Heart spinning madly while I struggle to hold my breath each moment.

FOCUS, Fucker.


There are the things that matter- and then there’s everything else.
So, here I am.

Holding tight.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Hated, Fated

Dreaming, Scheming

            Lying, Dying

            Those of us who were born to muse-

            Those of us who live to lose,


            Hated, Fated

            Darkened, Harkened

            Great are hopes,thoughts, intentions

            Doomed be faiths, ideals, ambitions...

from 1995

Monday, October 22, 2012

Russell Means Interview from 1980

The powerful truth in Russell's words ring strongly in my heart. Amazing, thought provoking, and affirming.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Something in the way she loves me

Me: I know how much of love's dilletante that i am
i prefer my solitude in the end
i dont want to share myself
I have my lovers- my fleeting fickle fantasy flavors
to entertain me when I tire .. of... myself
sex really,
there are those I loved- and they burned me so bad, i'll NEVER let that wall down again
and .. i'm kinda good with that
Her: I don't need you to be better. I need you to be you.
Me: and That, is the nicest thing you've ever said to me, my dear.
That is LOVE
Not wanting a change

Her: Good thing for me im already inside that wall.

Me: able to appreciate that which you love for what IT IS.
I knew there was a reason i loved you.
Her: I don't love my version of you in my head. I love you for you. For the fucked up wonderful man i know you are under all the BS.
Me: You had me at "I dont need you to be better"

Later in the conversation -
Me: and ...
she loves me, and I appreciate her love
even if she is a little off kilter
Her: Oh hell. The poor girl. She never had a chance.
Me: i have never been one to dissuade someone from loving me
I broke up with her when i met Andread
so, she has that against me, lol
and yes- she never had a chance
story of my life
i have my admirers, and thank god for them
I dont have the balls to love anyone too long
Her: What one of your girls doesn't continue to dream that she still has a chance?
Me: or at least not too consistently
They usually find a man who can give them more attention
and poof
the dream is over
Dreams are for suckers, My love
Thats why they are DREAMS
Reality takes work
Reality is being a Dad and a mom and an employee
its work
I dont want to work for Love
And, THAT is why I'm doomed to never have it for long
Her: Id share you. .


My biggest fear is not that u won't ever be with me.

My biggest fear is that you come to me, and I am not everything you need.

Her: I don't know. That's why I'm in the situation that I'm in. I'm scared of you and I don't know why...

The reason i know that i love you more than ever is that I understand that what is best for you may not involve me, and i want what is best for you

Her: I've never met anyone like you... I've never felt love like that

Whatever happens... I am glad that I have. Just thinking of you makes my heart swell and the day is a little better for your being a tiny part of it