Life aint always beautiful.
Sitting here, early morning blues. Andrea’s visiting. She’s asleep on the couch. We had a hear t – to- heart last night. Well, I say that, but I pretty much just poured my heart out to her. Maybe not what you expect= I did tell her I love her. But I never told her I wanted her back.
And sonuvabitch, it was hard to keep myself from trying.
But I just told her how I felt- and focused on how Amy and Rain deserved better, from her. I hope she gets it.
I know I will never love again.
And it’s a bittersweet thing. I want that feeling again. I want to feel alive again.But I’m nothing if not a realist. And I know as much as part of me wants that world, that life-
I know I’m far too jaded for it now.
Nowadays, a little bit of drunken peace is all that I can hope for.
Time to reflect- Never- to forget. A few drinks in me- it used to be to dull the sharp edge of pain. Not anymore. There’s no pain, really, these days. Its mainly now to numb my self-awareness. Its to keep me from jumping to my next bad conclusion. The final one. And, I can’t go there. I still got to take care of a few things. I gotta keep on keeping on.
And the drinking keeps me on the path, not the opposite, like some might think.It keeps me from moving forward. Cause I’m always leaping before I look. But in this case, I’ve looked. I’ve looked down the road into infinity and I’ve found the end of my road. And, without a sedative to slow me down- I’d jump right into the face of fate.
So, it’s a waiting game. Breathe in, Breathe out. EASY, mothefucker. Slow down. All things in good time.
I know my limitations. FINALLY. Heh.
So I restrain myself- every day, every hour, every minute. It’s a hard, thing. Heart spinning madly while I struggle to hold my breath each moment.
There are the things that matter- and then there’s everything else.So, here I am.