HNIC-DFB

Listening to "Red light" for the thirtieth time, this week. Why is pain remembered somehow a source of pleasure for me as I get older?

It brings me happiness to dwell on the sadness. What the hell IS that all about, anyway?

I have a half-ass gf who keeps playing all these games., and i'm way too old for that shit, but, its all the relationship i've got, so somehow i keep hanging in there, thinking it will get better. The relationship is all secret, on both sides. We play our roles, and avoid the commitment aspect. We tell each other we love each other, and I think we do. But, we've been through a lot. And a relationship just isn't the end-all, be-all it was made out to be.

I don't really know how into me she is, or is not. We are a lot alike. We are, well, both sluts. And the odd thing is, we don't ever hardly ever fall into bed with each other. We are close friends, and we give each other support. We take care of each other. And we have that deeper love, that I imagine is how older couples feel about one other. I wouldn't know. I have never had a relationship that lasted long enough to know.

The sexual aspect just doesnt factor in that much. She's really hot. And a lot younger. And she keeps me from feeling alone. I expect I do the same for her. The oddest thing is that the passion that is usually the first all-consuming notion of a new relationship isnt there. Its just like we are such good friends that we can't really go there- on either side.

I can sense that she knows that I am good for her, and I know she would be good for me. But we just can't go to "that place". Emotionally, sexually. We don't allow ourselves to lose control.

And thus, it really isn't real.

Love is all about losing control, and giving in, and freeing your mind to the whims of your heart.

And, we just don't go there.

And, maybe its all for the best. i hate being alone, and i hate being with someone. I'm a difficult fucking bastard, this is true.

I'll leave it there, for now..