Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Flinging myself

i could never handle you

not many can..
i am rare too, thank the gods

you are rare, toy dragons

what is that movie- with Keanu Reeves and the pretty blond girl
duh i know thats not much of a description
but she finds these sad men, or men who need her- and she beccomes their everything for a little while, then she guides them back into self-confidence and happiness and lets them go again

and then she finds someone new, to give love to

i want to be her

does she die in the end?

i think so, her reasoning was that she had terminal cancer


my reasoning is just that I know that after my relationship expiration date i become the terminal cancer

Monday, July 26, 2010

Conversations II : Leading a man to water

make it

El Capullo:
...go away?
...all better?

go faster....

i assume that last one is the right one

eating breakfast....hold on
not better yet
he did thank me for the great weekend. am i crazy?
are you glad you don't love me

El Capullo:
for not being happy?

I'm just not happy....right now.

El Capullo:
i'm glad no one loves me
too much work

i was happy on Thursday

El Capullo:
you are just disappointed

i guess

El Capullo:
you are a fiery personality- you give a LOT of yourself- and you demand as much in return

honestly...i wanted more touching me time and I didn't get it....and it makes me angry

El Capullo:
he's fricking old, girl...

we didn't have to be talking if you know what i mean
and close out

El Capullo:
one of gods little jokes
giving middle aged women the sex drive of twenty year old men
i guess theres some biological reason for that, but it just dont make sense to me... lol
don't get me wrong, I love it

i don't love it so much
hold on.,....are you calling me middle aged?

El Capullo:
Well you know what to do to get immediate gratification
No, I would NEVER say that
people live to 100 now
so 50 is middle aged
you are post-adolescent
and going postal

it's all about that gratification
well, just for today...yesterday....and maybe tomorrow

El Capullo:
well, if it makes you feel just as angry at me- J was here five nights and we only did the deed 3 times all 3 times were very good, but there were two nights i just didnt have any desire to have sex with her

El Capullo:
now, that is probably a different matter tho, seeing as how i dont want her to get too attached, as well as the fact that I am not really sexually attracted to her
i was just lonely, and she is really really good to me.
i try to reciprocate in what she wants, but I have made it clear that we have no future relationship wise
i guess i am making myself seem like an ass here, but I am honest about everything

your not an ass

El Capullo:
with her especially.

although, I don't think i would have let her come out

El Capullo:
I know what she wants.

just gives false hope

El Capullo:
I know she thinks deep inside, that she will change me
all women think that stupid shit
it IS Stupid, too
no dancing around it.

exactly....i know you don't think you've given her anything to hope about but a girl can dream....and we do it big
no we don't

El Capullo:
well, most do=

i know i'll never change a person...i can only hope to open their mind but it is ONLY I that can change

El Capullo:
You cant change chemistry between people
and if someone really likes you- they really like you

i want someone to want me
i want those sweet nothings

El Capullo:
you cant change how you feel about someone on that level, no motter how much you think you want to
thats fine
i wish i could WANT something
i want that someone who does it all for me
turns me on, keeps me excited mentally, physically, and emotionally
but I realize i have to put forth effort to find that person, and right now, I have a full plate doing damage control on my last failed relationship

thank you for reminding me.......
he does all those things.....but he's not superman

El Capullo:
you have to let them fail every once in a while

one time i don't get it and i want a divorce.......dumb

i know it's the moon.

El Capullo:
its when he begins to fail you CONSISTENTLY that you have a problem
take a week to yourself, do something for yourself and yourself alone (if you can find the time and desire)
i know I need to take that advice

i think i willl
thank you for listening.....

El Capullo:
i am going to go visit my best f riend this weekend in Amarillo
i think

i needed you this morning

El Capullo:
well, i am glad i was there for you today
sorry i wasnt the other day


Berryhill, Christopher K:
you tried to call me friday

i did
i forgot......
you fail me too

El Capullo:
i will fail you at least most of the time, in your expectations
but i will never fail you in the things i say i will do for you
if that makes any sense
i will be your friend
i will respect you, and tell you the truth

do you think i really am too hard to please

El Capullo:
i think we are a LOT alike
and I weigh all things, subconsciously
and I know I give EVERYTHING sometimes, so I expect a lot in return . I am so easy to please in the short term, but impossible to please in the long run
i dont think you are as hopeless a case as me
you just know what you want, and it frustrates you that HE doesnt pick up on these things automatically.
you know how men supposedly dont like maps?
We secretly love them, but we dont want you to know that we need them
Give him help- you dont have to spell it out, and dont have to bitch so much about it unless it becomes a bad habit on his part
but sometimes a woman's hints aren't very helpful
just remember men are stupid and need that extra nudge in the right direction


El Capullo:
sometimes a man knows what you want, but still needs a little extra encouragement
You are a very strong woman
Some men cannot handle that
i love it
because sometimes I not only NEED that extra kick in the ass, I WANT it
not bitching but really to be LED

I guess there are somethings that you don't know that I can say.....I understand why he did that....because of things I've said

El Capullo:
this is probably the best advice i have ever given a woman


El Capullo:
i'm serious
i should write this shit down

i know you are....that's why it's funny
blog it
again.....thank you

El Capullo:
naaah. you get the privilege of this secret
i dont want EVERYBODY knowing men's secrets and being happy
i bank on unfulfilled women, you realize
if all yall were happy, I'd be lonely again
thank YOU

you know all this is your fault because you said i was too happy
well there you ruined my life!

,,,before the fall

Sometimes Pride is only thing that keeps me on my feet, day after day. It's a shame that this same pride causes me so much trouble with my friends and family.

I am afraid if I let the pride go, I'll fall apart.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Conversations about Death and afterlife

(a short conversation with R, after listening to some Amitabha Buddhist philosophy)

Let my new spirit of patience and peacefulness extend to you in this, your time of need

thank you....

anyway- that Buddhism stuff is pretty enlightening. I could do without all the reincarnation and heaven-realms vs. hell-realms. i dont think there SHOULD be a reward in an afterlife.

wonder what the afterlife will be like

are we old

I believe that the truly enlightened thought should be that the reward for good karma is that life in the NOW is improved by the philosophy.


do we start all over again

do we know who we knew here

back to the dirt.

And another life replaces yours.

and your actions in life have either helped the world become a better place or a worse one. and the small piece of your evolutionary immortality is then complete.

or, passed on through all those subtle ways in which you have touched others who survive

so that they may in turn pass on those things to others

true humanitarian evolution

by centimeters, not miles

thats my theory, anyhow

Friday, July 9, 2010

Revolving doors

i do know what i want and wouldn't you know, its something i can never have

ah, pray tell! Let me know what this elusive thing is- so that I may know your heart's desire once and for all - and weep with you at its unobtainable misery!

i will never tell a soul

ah, so the circle closes, and it is my turn to stand outside Your door- and quietly whisper "let me in"
but you cannot hear my whisper
and the world around us both dies a little
...curtain falls

leave me out

its a story. happening a million times every day. A never ending dance. A game that never has a final turn.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

The biggest liar

“If I lie to you, will you love me again?”

and what is that from?
... just a line from a song i wrote..
i believe you
sometimes i feel so crazy
i scare myself because I AM so willing to throw it all away, for Her.
and it freaks me out and I tell myself that my heart is the biggest fkn liar of them all
she's no good when she's sober
and he's no good when he's drunk
quite a pair
it hurts so good
and its so bad

Two lovers, Two liars
the only thing that was real was the passion.
Sometimes for each other, but mostly for the ideal of it all.

And for the moment.
Always for the moment itself.

The heart was the biggest liar of them all.