DBS 1.002

the pain is gone.

and as I look blearily back, I wonder if it ever really existed...?

It's strange, that I don't even remember the pain right now-

Its' shadow is there, its' shapeless memory...

Is it bad that I don't remember the pain, but I remember the hate...

?

Of course, I am lying again.. The memory of the hate is a bright, still-burning flame

that much is true.

But the pain was so much more.

Please let me forget. Please.

...


09/30/2006

another day dies, another sunset suicide-
and the phoenix that is my intoxication rises yet again
Renew my love, my life, my lust - under the flag of a new night's surrender
forget the pain and embrace----

I forget what I am supposed to embrace, exactly,,,
I kick up the stereo, loud,louder, loudest
And let my heart swell in the imagined moment
Worship the illusions ...

Pretending is the only strength I have left

I give my life to my kids- My eternal retribution/salvation

No matter how I fuck up, No matter how I fail, No matter what mistakes I make-
they are only my failures to myself

I stand above it all- for Amy and Rain.. IN MY mind, and in THEIR REALITY- I am a GOD
because I have to be. Because anything less would shame me.

I don't mind failing myself. But I will NEVER FAIL them.

So my responsibility takes its toll... I submit myself to the whims of my children and scatter what dreams I may have yet held for myself
IF They were REALLY my dreams- I should have acted on them long ago, right?

The truth IS: There's a REASON I am a good dad and a failure as an individual.

My parents were lacking

I may be lacking in a LOT of things. But I will never be lacking in taking care of my kids

I was meant to be a Father. I love my duty.

You can condemn ME for anything you feel/want

But you will never find a bit of evidence that I didnt sacrifice everything for my kids.

I give nothing. I give it all.

For Them.

For Andrew. For Evan. For Amy. For Rain.

And, to be really HONEST- fuck it all- Fuck EVERY THing Else- FUck YOu ALL. All MY LOVE is for my KIDS.,
Fuck EVeryone of you bitches that thought you could take EVEN a moment of my lOVE from them.
Fuck you. Fuck me. I give it all up. I just hope they can find happiness.

The day ends with a whimper, though I pray for a bang. I search for an extreme, in this life so mundane.
All the things I could have done.
5'O'clock came and I ran for the door= Friday. Payday. A thousand dollars waiting for me to blow it on whatever fancy catches my eye.
Phone starts ringing.This girl. That girl. Every woman but Mine- who, at home- was getting ready to Go - to work.

I could go here. I could go there. She doesn't even expect me home. I talked to a few of these "other women" = infidelity in thought, if not in action-
Knowing I could be a bastard is enough, for the moment= I give a few lame excuses, because, who matters if they are believed or not? I kill the phone, head straight for the beerstore. Pull up in the driveway at home, not knowing much- just that I want to be alone and drink and dream and drink alone and dream alone.

She's there. A kiss. A hug. A passing glance and then I am outside. Two other lost souls are there- doing their own impression of not caring. Brothers. Stringing bows and drinking beer. Their girlfriends and wives, like mine= are an arm's reach away- and that is as close as we want them. We lose ourselves in the illucid business of killing time. She comes out- gives her cursory goodbye- I call her over- Give her a kiss she probably didn't expect... And then she's gone. I drift away from my brothers --- drinking more beer, trying NOT to think. I kick on the stereo in the car- I notice, for a second or two that its a beautiful day then shrug all observations from me. The peace is IN the apathy- The goal is to achieve thoughtlessness.
Bleed by Cold gives way
to Blue eyes crying in the Rain by Willie gives way
to Cemetary Gates by Pantera gives way
to These Days by Rascal Flatts gives way
to... nothing
but even though at this point, I am in the car, with the volume cranked, and singing .. I am not there. My body is on autopilot. my soul is numb. I stand outside and look at myself- unjudging. I close it all off, one sense at a time- until I am locked away and I don't even know myself.

I don't want to know myself. I don't want to think or feel or understand. I don't want to realize my faults or recognize my triumphs.

So- Nirvana achieved. Blissful Numbing of my ALMOST ever-present self awareness- I clumsily take the keys out of the car, stumble over to the brothers and share a beer quietly, throwing out a sentence when appropriate... like when you are driving and you get to your destination - and suddenly you wonder: "I don't remember driving here.."

Don't say goodnight. just rise and move inside, to another Beer, JUST IN CASE. I am drunk, and wearily, I understand that fact- but I am scared that I could possibly sober up- So I grab TWO beers and head to the bedroom - to the computer - to document this pure exposed emotion. And here we are...