Sunday, September 14, 2008

The Mom

Mom died this morning.

Bobby called me at 3am. I threw on a shirt and jeans and went to Lubbock.
It was a strange, surreal, yet not altogether bad morning.

I raised the window, pulled the shroud over her head, and whispered "Go with God"...
I said goodbye.
If there IS a heaven, she'll be there.

And if there isn't, well, she was done for this world, and happily so.
Pain, over.

I didn't cry until 12 hours later.
And that was a brief moment of lack of self-control, glorious in its emotional explosion, quickly taken held of, and suppressed.

It was the first time in 10 years that Ryan, Tommy and I were in the same room, laughing and enjoying stories about our childhood. No whys to blame. It was good.
Nobody talked about mom all that much. Everyone remained in a shocked silence, talking about everything but mom...

She was ready.
She went on her own terms.
Would that we all could be so lucky, so predestined.

Mom went out the way she said she would. Fuck. That's a helluva thing. Not many people get that.

I knew she was tough. I just didn't ever realize just how fucking badass she really was.
That white-hot bar of iron at my center is her. I always thought it was dad: mean, invulnerable, fearless.

Now I know.
Dad can't touch this.
THIS is strength. THIS is rebellion. THIS is independence.

THIS was Paula Kirk. This was Paula Berryhill. This was Paula Welch.
This was Sissy.
This was Mom.

She never compromised her principles. To her own detriment at times, yes-
I just THOUGHT that I ruled my own little world. She bent, but never, ever broke.

A lot of people thought she was weak, at first. They thought they would win out in the end.
They were Motherfucking wrong, tho, weren't they?

Jesus fucking Christ, I am so proud of my mother right now.

She never broke. Not once.
Can any of us say the same?

She is my hero. If I die with half the conviction she held, I will be able to respect myself.
I never knew, until just this moment, what fueled my heart.

I should have.
I should have known all along.
I hope she knows that I finally realize it now. I've led a strange, sometimes fucked up life. I'd like to flip you all off and yell fuck you and claim it was all me.

NOW I know.
It was her.
God bless that woman.
09/08
Kirk

The grandkids send their messages to Ma in heaven...

2 comments:

Faded said...

I hope she had fun that day....

Faded said...
This comment has been removed by the author.