The Devil that is me

Aug. 1 2008

It’s 2:58 am on a Thursday night. Drinking Natural light in bottles and listening to 70s music.. Nostalgia is my life. What can I say? I used to be on top of all the newest shit. I guess that’s the first sign of getting old- when you hate everything that – is – new.

Heh.

The first step is always- ALWAYS- understanding what the fuck you’re up to .. even when you don’t really want to know…

Trying hard not to make too many typos. Drunk as fuck,,. Well NOT THAT drunk, but at that cloud nine floating araround the room kinda vibe

As inebriated as I let myself get anymore

THAT’S getting old- Ah,well, its also Wisdom in action. Don’t have to work tomorrow. But I ‘ll probably go in and get some overtime anyway.Working at Oxy Petroleum rightn now. Yes, I am serving that most devilish of deamons, BIG OIL>

Gotta feed the familiy. I am being courted by the Ethanol plant as we speak. Trying to get on as HR Director. More money, more freedom.

Anyway, been quiet lately. Or at least my soul has stopped howling at the moon for the nonce. My woman – is – MY WOMAN. She’s the epitome of a good woman. Never had better. And for once, I am worrying less about my whims and more about peace. The old chaos still bangs around in my heart, but I can control it now. I have been such an adrenaline/attentinon junkie all my life. Had to have a new woman every 15 mnutes. I stopped feeding my ego. Let that bitch starv… FINALLY.

I always put my kids before myself. But until Lauren I never put the woman in my life remotely close to anything close to a priority. She earned it. She has proven herself a hundred times over, despite the obstacles I put in her way.

She’s a fucking saint, she is. And every damn day I wonder how I will make it through to the next day without fucking it all up. Somedays that old chaos rises up fiercely and tries hard to do everything it/I can to run her off.

Sometimes I tell myself that she will never know the real me- the cutthroat, mean. Scarred halflife that I was/am. But sometimes, out of the corner of my eye, I see her looking at me, and I realize she KNOWS. And she loves me so much, that she will do all she can- not to break me, but to break through to me. And that is the most beautiful thing about her. I can’t tell her that. My pride won’t allow it. Maybe she’ll find this someday and know that I knew How much she sacrificed to be the love of all loves that tried to fix this broken heart…

I’ve had more than my share of devils in my bed. I don’t know how to treat the Angel that has come down from Heaven to rescue me. But… I’m trying as hard as I can to defeat the devil that is me.

He’s a hard-headed prick, that’s for certain.