Wednesday, May 14, 2014

22 years ago, Same thoughts,same conclusions

Is it only death and dark-done deeds that rule this - this - existence?

No love to call your OWN, No life to really feel...Every being to use all those around them, solely to enhance the so called quality of that "existence".

It was always too easy to denounce those statements as callous and untrue. But, but but- 

Those who feel AND think rather than those who either feel or think know the terrible, sickening truth. When I was but a boy, maybe ten years old, I used to wish that I was a dog, or a cat, or any animal but the one I am. Something that just lived its life to survive with nary a thought to why or how. And here I am, again. What is wisdom, that I still completely want that oblivious existence? What is knowledge, that

I find that I knew it all, when I was but ten years old?

Enough could be enough, except for the optimistic dream that there still can be found a meaning, a reason, a PURPOSE. Doubter that I am, I feel that there never will be found one, that there is none. I always went through these motions, of doubt, of self-pity, of hate, of sorrow, of death of soul and heart; but always there went an angel of creation, who followed my thoughts and gave me happiness in that I was only

one step away from the god/dream/fantasy that is Truth.  I always gave the appearance of despondency, of the despair of utter failure- and now, as i sit here, I Feel it, for maybe the first complete time, I understand the futility of the search for truth and know that to take my own life would be the only dignity I could afford myself, even though no one would ever understand, ending it all for this "life" simply because I do not allow myself the clouding of my soul, do not allow myself to wallow in the hypocrisy in order to survive.

And still, I will not die.

Therefore, I am THE Hypocrite of hypocrites, the damned of the damned...

God, if you truly exist, then truly you are a spiteful old goat of a deity, for your evil "Hope" will not let me quit, will not let me quit... And, I persevere, for nothing? for everything-

I can only 'hope' that in the end I will understand

1992

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