The Heart is the Greatest Traitor

Some days are so easy that I laugh when things go wrong...
Other days, everything goes right, and it's still a battle to struggle through to the time I lay my head down to sleep...

Strength is elusive. I have made myself so hard, in the hopes of making myself stronger.

Sometimes the things you think that make you strong are weaknesses.
Sometimes your weaknesses are strengths.
And, sometimes weaknesses are just weaknesses.

I think you are only strong when you can get past it all. And for whatever fucking reason, I don't seem to be able to... but maybe I am blaming one thing on another, because its the shortest path to blame.

Dunno...

I worked in the yard for, like, 3 hours today. Damned if I know why. I live in a rent house in a bad neighborhood. Why the fuck should I care about my yard? Why the hell do I put so much effort (not to mention money into it?)  Weird.  Maybe its some subconscious duty instilled into me, like taking care of the girls and going to work every day. It something that I've been told you are supposed to do. A good man takes care of his kids, his yard, his job.

I rebel against every-fucking-thing-else. Why do I conform on this front? It gives me peace. Not much else does. Actually all three of those things give me peace- You have to take pride in something, right?

I work hard, I take care of what needs to be taken care of. ? Is it that simple?

Mebbe.

Someone told me that I was spoiled and I was so used to getting whatever I wanted that it had warped me for real relationships.

Trust me, I dont get what I want, most of the time. But I've got a knack for tricking myself into believing that the things I DO get are the ONLY things I wanted in the first place. That, and a strong sense of telling myself that I dont/didnt want a lot of things in the first place...

I blame Southern Rock Anthems.

You tell yourself so many times you are free as a bird and "you cant change me" and pretty soon you end up believing that shit.

You end up giving yourself your own perfect scapegoat for never putting in the effort.

Who suffers? Well, plenty of women who may have actually loved you- and tried to get you to come up for air from your head-up-your-ass "independence". But mainly, its YOU who suffers, victim of your own bullshit.

Congratulations.

You won, motherfucker. You beat them all. You outlasted the last fools who might have loved you. And now you can finish your self-destruction in peace by telling yourself it was all because you loved "HER" all these years (cough-bullshit-cough). And you can say they left you, they didnt love you enough, and thats why you are all fucking alone at the end of the day.

You can Tell yourself that shit all day. And I expect you will, and you'll trust that traitorous heart to the end. That heart that loved only itself, the whole time.

Clutch that bottle, tight, bitch. That's the only love affair I see panning out for you.