Fuckin 40

Hmmm usually people get to an age they've dreaded reaching and suddenly they'll tell you, oh it's not so bad. I still have half my life to go and I feel fine.

Well.

Fuck that. I'm 40 today and for the whats-left-of-the-life-of-me, I can't see myself spending another 40 years on this "life". I'm old. I ain't going to pretend I don't feel the testosterone ebb, the energy wane, or even the Give-A-Shit petering out. I've done everything I've wanted in this existence. I've proved whatever the hell it was I was supposed to prove. I've propagated the line, more than I even imagined I would. I've given and  I've taken and I don't have either I'd really rather do anymore.

I'm Spent.

I am raising the girls and my son when he's here. My older sons are grown now, and doing their own thing, and if they didnt turn out the way I wanted them to, well its either my fault or its not. I love them and wish them the best- I'm not going to lose any more sleep on wishing for anything more than that. They've their own faults, much like I've mine. I hope one of these days they can expand themselves beyond the tiny worldview their mother gave them- and see that their sisters and their other brother are worthy of notice.

If not, their loss. They aren't children any longer. If they have no time for anything except themselves, so be it. Maybe they are right and those of us who care beyond our blinders are the real fools.

Once upon a time, I'd argue against that. But, I'm tired.

Forty is the "new"... Bullshit. 40 is what its always been- the time in a man's life when his expiration date on zest is punching the clock out. No amount of new drugs and mental feng shui is going to re-decorate my dna on this one.

Live until you die was the philosophy. But wisdom comes with age. And hopefully I won't live too far past the time when living just became dying.