Surrending Desires

I'm just not the most social person when i am sober.

Drinking lets me pretend that this world is somehow better than it truly is.

When I'm clear all that I see I dont really like. I dont find much joy in this existence. There's my kids. But that is pretty much it. Everyone else is pretty much of a letdown most of the time. I am here for my kids. Thats what I do. I wont quit and I wont fail. But i dont get much joy, if any, anymore.

"In simpler dreams I find a simpler worth" I wrote that line twenty years ago, and it means more to me now than it did even back then. But its so hard releasing all the bullshit and living without desires. I AM my desires. I am fucking and fighting and drinking and dying and LIVING. But to have peace I have to surrender all that. And I just don't know if I can.

I have passion in all the wrong things, and in few of the right ones. And I fear I cannot change that. I have always been a lover of women. When I'm not loving them I am dreaming of loving them. And I never stop dreaming. In the end they fail me, and without fail- I fail them too- in the long run. I don't want one woman, at the end of the day. I dont want that happy ending. I want to fall in love with a girl I am standing behind in the checkout line of the supermarket. I want to meet a stranger's eyes with a long passing glance and lose myself in that millisecond's love and lust. I want to feel my heart jump, and remind me that I'm alive when I see a woman I want to make love to.

I don't want a happy ending- and- huh- how about that? Realizing this, why the hell should I expect one?