Determining what you Deserve

Considering what you believe you "Deserve" out of life is self-delusion.

Forgive me for boiling it down to basics, but you get what you earn, not what you deserve. Circumstances and random chance and even luck may affect your fate, may even engineer it, in the end.

But- in the meantime, no matter what chance of birth you had, no matter what foul luck befalls you, no matter who and how rich your daddy was, how crack addled your mother might have been when she begat you- Regardless of all these factors, beyond the stars and fate and god's will= You have but one avenue that will make you deserving of anything better.

And that is how you live your life.

That is the choices you make yourself, the way you guide YOURSELF, after all the other factors out of your control fall to the wayside. You have only your footsteps to follow. And you may have had poor guides in your road. But again, circumstances aside- it is what your wits and your instincts drive you to- It is what your fears keep you from, or save you from. It is your decisions that make you WHO you are, in the end, not your birth, not your environment, not your friends, not your enemies. It is your choices, and where you stand strong, where you bend, where you break, and where you rebuild your self.

It is the eyes you meet, or look away from in that damned mirror.

They can haunt you, or they can fill you with determination. Or both. Or neither.

But it is our actions (and inactions) that determine how we look at ourselves.

No one else's opinion matters. Except for those few individuals in our lives who have Earned our full respect. However impropable it was for them to do so, in our self absorbtion and self hate and fear of someone who is better than ourselves.

And if you can't even value your own opinion- well. stop now. read no more. For more self-study will only damn you further.

Fearing your life is a failure is not a failure. It is sanity.
Judging yourself harshly is not a sin. It is sainthood.
Meeting that judgement, and meeting your own eyes- and nodding in grudging respect-

is the only godhood you will ever experience.

It's never too late to earn your own respect, (back, even).

You are the only one you have to convince.

For - Me. And for the people I've come to fully respect in this life. There are times they were weak, and I despised them for their weakness. And there are times I thought they were weak, and I realized it was my weakness that built my resentment. I can judge them. But my judgements of others don't mean a fucking thing- just like their judgements of me don't mean anything.

Judge yourself. Or don't judge anything at all.