Lives in perspectives

Sometimes I look at back at my life, and it seems so monumental. Other times I stare hard at everything I've been and it seems so sad. It's all a matter of perspective, I suppose. I tell myself I should look at it from this one direction, and it will all make sense.

But in the end, I am very glad that I am one of the few who is able to look at it all from every angle. Even the angles that don't show my best side....

Fuck, and here I go again. Going to throw it all into chaos once more. The simple life just don't suit me. It's not really that I want more. I never have been the greedy type. I just know that this - this life, this incarnation of this life- is less than I can live with. I know, I say its all for my kids, I martyr myself on my single parenthood past and pretend that its all for them. But sometimes you just gotta do for yourself. This incarnation- this life today that I lead IS for my kids. It's 100 percent for them. And, even I can't believe I am saying this- admitting it after giving myself for so long- I feel like I cant do it anymore.

All my life, I have done pretty much what I wanted. And I pursued the angles that led me where I wanted to go. I fixed the dice, as it were. I never went blindly into ANYTHING, no matter how happenstance it all may have seemed. I screwed up, sure. But I always made every screwup turn up right, one way or the other. Some times it was hard work, sometimes it was just realizing where I was, what I was doing, and the quickest way to get where I wanted to be.

I wasn't always tough. I wasn't always lucky. I wasn't always smart about how I did things. But somehow, I was smart enough to never fuck up TOO badly. And I was smart enough to know that when I gambled or overplayed my hand, that I had a fallback.

And now, I'm here. I outsmarted myself into being what I have always despised in life: The type of person that marries for all the wrong reasons. Well, not all the wrong reasons. I thought I could love her. I thought that good intentions couild make this work.

I was wrong. I forced the issue on every level. And I bit the bullet and married her when I knew I wasnt in love. And she knew it too. And she even knew that she wasnt in love with me either.

She has her reasons. Some of them I don't even know,I'm sure. Mine were simple. I didnt want my new son to be a bastard. I wanted to have the stable 2 parent family. I thought I could spend the rest of my life with one woman.

Well, the truth is, I cant. I dont even believe in monogamy. Deep inside, I think its for losers. I see its pros, but the cons outweigh it so much, it seems ridiculous. I see it in those twilight days, when you probably just want someone to talk to and revel in not being alone. I see that. I do.

But Lauren isnt the one. Wisdom comes hard or not at all. If you are in it for the long haul, pick someone you CAN talk to. Someone you can respect for all your days.

Lauren has a lot going for her. But she and I are not soulmates. I do not respect her enough to be the one for her. This is NOT her failing. Its just one of those things.

She's been a better mom to my kids than their real mom, fucked up whore that Andrea is. Buts that not fair to Lauren. Lauren has BEEN the girls mom for the past four years. She's lived it and done it=because she wanted this relationship to work. And because she loves those girls.

They love her. And thats truly why I married her. And its screwed up, because I KNOW i will Never meet a woman who will be as good a mom to my daughters as Lauren is.

But it don't matter. Because I don't Love her. And I knew I didnt when we got married. And I did it anywway because I thought it was the "right" thing to do.

And here we are.

And I gotta unravel this mess, as best as I am able, with as little damage to her and the kids as I can. Because I've tried to tread water in this for as long as I can- and its not working. Its causing more hurt than its preventing.

So I look at my life, and as glorious as it has been on some levels, and as despicable as it has been on others- it continues. And I can pussy out and keep treading water or I can man up and deal as honestly as I can.

lets see.