Self-Victimization

It's a lovely existence, O' yes it is.

Not profound.

oh no (es)

But- it- is - a lovely thing anyway.

I'll pass on the over-reaching deep philosophical statement right this moment.

And embrace what simplicity I can hold to, (maybe only for the fast moment that I can subdue my own senses-)

and- it'll be alright.

The spectre of our lives rises up to overshadow us at times. And at times, even I (your rakish semi-evil hero) cower in fear at my shortcomings.

Give up those fantastic (and indeed, less-than-fantastic) expectations.

You won't ever live up to them. And even if you did- you'd never realize it.

Suckers. Aint we all,,,,

Reminisces lost

I accept the blanks in my memory. I even appreciate them.

Because I know theres a good reason to forget those particular memories.

Reality fades... and so-do- I.

Things are coming full circle so fast these days that the room is spinning...

I wake up and remember old dreams. And it ALL makes sense.

Then it doesn't again.

God, you tricksy muthafucka. I'd be irritated if I gave a fuck. And, sadly (most sadly of alll to myself- I realize )- I DONT.

Today's travails and tribulatons are NEW. That helps a tiny bit. This stagnant pool is deep.

Yes, it is.

Sometimes I wish it waren' t... o' yes I do.

I'd like to say the chaos keeps me sane- but I think we all know better.

I once told a crowded room full of of my fellow- uh - whatevers- that I thank them for their pitiful lives and adventures- because all of their efforts to live, love, what-the-fuck ever - managed to keep me entertained.

And now, I wonder who my own life's struggle is entertaining...

If anyone=

I maintain my super-egotism on the subject... Q: If a tree falls in the forest-
A: Nothing happens unless I am there to witness it.

Want a friend? In the words of the immortal vampyre Yoakum, - "I aint that lonely yet"

I am the Punishment of God.

I AM THE PUNISHMENT OF GOD.
IF YOU HAD NOT COMMITTED GREAT SINS,
GOD WOULD NOT HAVE SENT
A PUNISHMENT LIKE ME UPON YOU.

Aging ungracefully

Life will really, really get you down if you try to hold on to "being cool".

I was cool once. But, Old aint cool. Not by a longshot.

You will drive yourself mad trying to hold on to your youth.

Let - it - Go.

Embrace the important things in life (FINALLY!) and give up your wet dreams of fame and fortune.

For me- I'm a really great dad. But that shit just dont seem all that damn exciting. And, its not. But- its a worthwhile reason for existence. Being a cool guy who bangs multiple different women each week- is definitely well, for lack of a better term- fucking cool. But, its a lot of work. Back when it was easy- well, it was a lot cooler. Now, its all a big fucking drag on my illusion of self worth.

So, I guess I am trying to convince myself to give up my decadent whoredog ways and simply be "the dad.". I knOw I'm good at it. I KNOW that nothing else actually makes me feel accomplished. It just seems so mundane sometimes.

I got to wrap my head around the important shit and let this youth fall away. Youth is fun, fucking, and above all- Folly. And its good, goddamn its so good.

But I realize that time has passed.It's time to give up my dreams of and for myself- and start realizing the dreams of my kids.

letter to Dad

The first, and only letter, that I ever wrote to my dad - (he didnt take it well, by the way)

11/13/95

Dad,

I feel that I must talk with you, and since you refuse to talk, I suppose that this letter will have to do. I don't understand exactly why you act the way you do, but you are hurting everyone around you, including yourself. No one in the world has hurt me more than or as many times as you have. You have made me cry all through my life, even up to the present. From the time I was five years old and you told my mother in front of me and Ryan that you only had one son up - Ryan Berryhill, up until this very day, when you lash out at all of us here at the office, you have hurt me emotionally. I always forgave you every single thing. I have always done as everyone here does. We try to ignore the things you do and say and let life go on, hoping that one day you will simply change.

Well, I guess that I realize that you aren't going to change by yourself. I have offered you help in the past, I offered to go with you to Alcoholics Anonymous, as both of us alcoholics, not just me going with you to support you, but both of us together, supporting each other. I would do whatever it takes to help you be happy. Every time you curse me, or Grandma, or Ryan you are only making things worse. I know that we retaliate, at least Ryan and I do. For a time I believed you. I thought that Grandma and Grandpa had done terrible things to you as a child to make you that way, but then I realized that you treat me and Ryan the same way- Like we are all shit and your life is so bad for having to deal with us. But let me tell you something, Ryan and I have never done a damn thing to YOU. Never, besides rebelling against the way you treat us. I have never done anything to hurt you, no matter how many times I locked myself in a closet, crying , wishing that you were dead, I have never done anything to you. I never even struck back at you all those times you hit me, and up until a year ago I would never have thought of doing so. I don't believe Grandma did anything to you anymore, except spoil you rotten. You treat her worse than any of us, worse than the horrible way that you treat your sons. You curse her and yell at her and basically spit in her face. She is the main reason you live the way you do, expensive car, expensive house, pool, You would not have jack shit if it weren't for her- I know that you would argue about that, but you know that its true.

Beyond all of that- Betrayal of family you also are lazy and don't bother to show up for work half the time. You bitch about working all your life and you need a break once in a while - Well, Mr. Workaholic you have missed exactly 3 weeks and 4 days in the past 3 months. And oddly enough, one of those weeks was a PAID Vacation. You have some audacity, to spit in all of our faces once again, by making everyone work that much harder in order to get things done.

And today, Grandpa and Grandma really need a break, they were wanting to go on vacation but you had to go off on a drunk again, what - overworked again ? I don't think so. You bring a lot of unneeded stress on all of us.

I would say that you should be ashamed, but I don't think that you know what guilt or shame is. If you did, you probably couldn't be able to look anyone in the eyes around here. I love you, but you can only beat a dog so much before he bites back, and everyone around here has been kicked just about to death.
Just think about it, reflect on what you want out of life, Do you want us all to hate you? Sometimes I think that you do, it would be easier for you to continue hating us. Well, we all love you, dad. We just wish you could get your life straight.


Your son,

Everything that goes around, comes around...

Funny how things always come full circle...

Quote from 1994:

"My hypocrisy is my inability to live up to my severely high standards for everyone around me"

letter from 95 to Evil Angie...

You know you always tell me that I don't understand why you WONT or CANT or CHOOSE not to Love my son, my boy. He is a part of me. He is me.

You know you always tell me how hard it is for you to be AROUND my son for two days every other week.

You know you always tell me how much you gave up ...

And still you don't try to understand anything about me.

You don't understand that I love my son. You don't understand how much it hurts me every time you talk badly about him, every time you yell at them, every time I yell at them in front of you to make you feel that I am not treating my son too good. NOT TREATING MY SON TOO GOOD.

You don't understand that I don't know my real FATHER and that I got stuck with some asshole that doesn't love ME. Someone who knows that he is not my REAL father, and everytime I hear you say that you could not LOVE my children because they are not of your blood, it is a knife in my back, reminding me that that is probably how LEE feels about me, just because he is fucked, not me. People cannot pick their parents. But you know what, they don't have to GIVE UP THEIR CHILDREN.

MY SON IS MINE. HE WILL KNOW IT. I WILL KNOW IT and Now, YOU know it.

I love my son he is a part of me.

I love you and I would sacrifice for you. I would do anything that you NEEDED me to do. I want you beside me forever. There is no one
else for me.

If you cannot sacrifice for me then you do not love me as much as you think.

If we are to be married in one year then it is about time the both of us grew up. I am NOT going to DAMN my son the same way my "father" damned me. I will not reject him. I will not hurt him to make you feel better about yourself.

He is now a part of my life, and a part of yours. Sacrifice and Compromise are a large part of trust and love. Love is Unconditional. Please Don't place conditions on what I cannot change and I promise you that I will never do the same to you.

I love you - Forever and always. I cannot fix this hole in my heart, this hollow place that remains dark without the love of a father. But I can prevent Evan's heart from becoming as dark. I don't want to hurt anyone and I have enough love to be share between all.

"What is given out in free spirit is returned tenfold to the giver. What goes around comes around."

Drilling past the surface

Okay, got tired of Facebook. I like seeing all my friends every day, (and all my enemies) but god it's just TOO EASY to get myself sideways with people when I am just being- well- ME. This is why families should only have family reunions every once in awhile- so people can only see you on your best behavior for short increments of time. I can't help but letting it all hang out and for some reason that just pisses off most people who are busy being tightly wound and only letting their true selves eke through their carefully crafted veils when they slip and let it out.

Boring and Sad. Two things no one ever considers me, even if I do piss them off. Well, anyway, the hell with facebook and showing my "face" off every day. It's back to being Lost in the tubes. Fuck the face of things anyway. Its the deep recesses of your minds (and mine) that interest me. Rip away the illusions and dare to be your unedited, uncensored self. You might piss people off, maybe even me. But, you'll have my respect for having the guts to be yourself. They might not like what you have to say, but secretly they envy your freedom. At least that's how it is in my world... Now, excuse me, but I'm going to delve back into it.

Angel came down from heaven yesterday...