Saturday, September 17, 2011

Time Capsule

Tristan is here. We are doing his birthday party with the Berryhills today. Then maybe catching his first ever movie in a theatre. Hopefully he wont set the place on fire.

Amy's doing well with the guitar thang. She played her first concert this year, just a small West Texas music fest, but she was the youngest guitarist there, playing on stage with Walk of Famer John Hartin. It was an awesome experience for her. She really did well and I think it built her self-confidence immensely. She's really come into her own these past years. The stuff with her mother has hurt her, but it didn't break her. Like me and my real father, it has burned away the excess and revealed the steel underneath. Amy is very, very strong, unlike her mother. Where Andrea let her personal tragedies warp her, Amy has shaped the bad into good and used it to make her a better person. She's much like Evan.

Evan's doing well. College classes going good, he finally shifted to ASU, where he had gotten accepted in the first place, but his mother stepped in and screwed that up. He's working almost full time and I'm proud of his multi-tasking and being successful at making it all work.

Andrew came to visit last month for his 22nd birthday. That was a really good time. It was great having him and the girls together again. They miss their brothers quite a bit. We did a bunch of family activities. Andrew had mentioned going out for his birthday, but I thought about it, and I let him go with his Aunt instead. I can think of nothing more depressing or reprehensible than drinking with your child, crazed alkie that I may be at times. So we stuck with family stuff and it was a great experience. So many things have changed since Andrew was a child. He has grown so much. It's actually amazing how Amy mirrors Evan and Andrew mirrors Rain. But maybe its not that amazing, I raised them all, in the formative years, and they all exhibit some of the same characteristics. I am proud of the job I did on that end- striving to be like my mother and instill the core values deeply. They are good, thoughtful kids who know wrong from right and strive to be better than the average person.

Self-awareness and self-analysis is a big part of that. Each day we learn more about those around us, and ourselves.

Tristan's hair has grown back from where I shaved it, into a cute little crewcut. His mom is still pissed off at me. But, the hell with her. Its just hair. And the mohawk looked cool for a little while at least, heh. She fucked me on the divorce, after I strived to make it the least expensive on our wallets and try to be adults about it. I set up the child support to automatically come out, at the rate we agreed upon. I've got no problem with that. I wish Andrea could hold a job so she could whittle down what she owes me ($55,000 at this point). Lauren secretly moved to Kansas without telling me, taking Tristan with her. At this time, she's in contempt of court for not informing me of her intention to move, giving me her new address, and new Kansas Driver's license. I spoke with an attorney. It will cost roughly $10,000 to fight for partial custody, complicated by the fact that since she is in Kansas now, Kansas may not choose to uphold a Texas court ruling.

Sigh. Burned again by trusting someone to follow their word.

She doesn't want to keep Tristan from me. (Thank god). She just wants to control how and when I see him. It's Trish all over again. Except with Trish, the undercurrent was straight up Bubba-and-Wanda. If I got with Trish, everything would be okay. So, the blackmail back then was I could see Evan if I saw Trish. And I chose not to do that. Not like it would have worked out anyhow.

So, who the hell knows what is in Lauren's head? The girls are very upset with her right now, especially Amy. I had a week planned to pick up Tristan for Labor day and when I called Lauren, she started a fight on the phone, then denied me picking up Tristan at all. The court papers say I get him every other weekend, but when she has taken him 1000 miles away, its a helluva trip to see him for 48 hours. Not to mention she's getting 25% of my net income, and since I dont get child support things are very tight.

She filed bankruptcy soon after I told her I wanted a divorce. Which is hilarious, since a lot of her problems with our marriage all had to do with money, and she refused to look into a bankruptcy while we were together. I paid down her credit cards, sold my Grandfather's 39 Chevy and liquidated everything I could that last year of trying to make it work. And what does she do when we leave? She maxes them all out (on the advice of her lawyer) and then files bankrutpcy. She has the gall to claim everything was my fault. But she's irrational like that. When we went to the marriage counselor (which she insisted upon, and found a woman she liked because she thought that woman would see things her way) she got in a fight with the counselor on the second session. It's funny now, I look back and that entire session was just a microcosm of exactly what was wrong with our marriage and why it was NEVER possible for us to be happy together.

I had found the opposite of Andrea, and thought that somehow made it perfect. I thought I could put aside my own ego and love Lauren. And I did for awhile, but her constant attacks boiled away whatever love I had for her. I remember loving her. But there's nothing left now. And everytime she tries to make things hard for me, it makes me hate her a little more.

I still have a soft spot for Andrea, some nights, but its more of a wanting what you cant have than it is any real love. I wish she'd get her shit together, for the sake of the girls, but that ain't happening. She married an Army guy one year ago and after that she's managed to go thru one stripper and two other Army guys (from the same base, good lord) in that year. Yeah, her-getting-her-shit-together is about as close to an impossibility as Jesus coming back in 2012.

I am dating a tiny bit now, but its a chore. The girls take most of my time and I have little extra cashola, so its just here and there. Mainly on dates with women I've known for years and who always seem to re-appear here and there over time. I guess that they can tell I'm not needing a serious relationship because it will go alright for a while, then I guess they move on because I'm just not into them, or whatever.

I think I helped save a friend's life recently. I hope he's alright. I suspect he is. I expect great things from him, if he can find his own salvation. For what it's worth, I found mine.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

So, I'm drifting thru this life, pretty as you please

Nothing ever seems to make sense when I try to make sense of it. But when I let go of trying to control it all, it all makes perfect sense

go figure

I'm in love with love, and lost with lust, and screwed when trying to screw

the only time things work out is when I dont know what to do..

everything has an odd way of working itself out, in the end.

the times that i think i should break are the moments when I find myself in a bend

Back in the day, It was all about not yielding. And now I know nothing's more vital than a friend

Drunken bs NOT aside, i'd like to invite you on this ship for a new journey dawning...

Tuesday, September 6, 2011