Saturday, February 26, 2011


Closure ? I dont know - we are so different but I do remember how much I loved her

A woman who I was very much in love with long ago- one of my very first relationships- asked me to meet her and some of her friends for drinks.

Her. My ex fiancee. The Evil one.

I had not seen her in over 13 years. It had ended very very badly. We had talked previously... and "buried the hatchet". But I guess she felt the need to see me, for whatever reason, and likewise, I thought of not going, but found I couldnt avoid it. I didn't know what to expect, but I should have. In the end, it wasn't just wanting to see her- it was a palpable need.

It was cathartic for both of us, no telling if moreso for me or for her. It was still strained and her bitterness boiled to the surface more than once- but I didn't reciprocate or retaliate.

She hasnt changed a bit-still a rich, racist republican and very proud of all three of those descriptions. She's still uber-materialistic with a tendency to brag of the countries she's visited and the trinkets and treasures she possesses. She's charismatic, leads every conversation. She's engaging and has a magnetice wit and personality. She made sure I knew she still smoked pot and she's still richer than me, (with a ta-da flourish,even,ha!) She's a tad overweight still, so her worshipping at the altar of the dallas debutante set has its limits when it comes to that. She still has that infectious smile and those dimples that I so loved to kiss. No, she hasn't changed at all and I am scarcely the same person she knew back then.

Talking with her, I remembered and FELT so purely how and why I loved her and also how and why I hated her too. I held both these emotions in my hands as I looked at her- and it was so easy- to just let that hate blow away. Even through some of her more barbed comments, I couldnt take my eyes off her and couldnt respond in kind, the way I usually would. I got more peace from this short night 's conversation than even I could have ever expected or imagined. I dont know what she took away from it all, and I doubt I will ever see her again.

So, closure? Yes.
It may not be happily ever after, but it was a better ending for this story.

(for Angela)