At first, Everything had meaning.
Then, I wanted Every Thing to have meaning.
After that, I wanted every one thing to have two meanings, at once contradictory and complementary.
I wanted to be above it all, even while I writhed within it all.
I lived, I loved, I flirted with self-destruction.
Then I made love to it.
Then after fucking everything I could out of this life, I grew tired of it.
Every day brought a new challenge, a new experience, a new love, a new hate.
All of those days of meanings and double-meanings fell away. Or rather floated away, wisped away, dissipated away.
I lived the life of self-absorbtion, then I lived the live of self-sacrifice. And it truly didnt matter. I could burn out in either way. I could disappear in either way as well.
All of those grand meanings ended up meaning nothing.
I could wake up one day and kill everything I loved, I could give myself up to destroy some great evil.
Or I could fall in-between (so far in-between) and exist and survive and continue.
The extremes and what they stood for were revealed to be ego-trips of no great distance. No glory in something so simplistic, either way. Actually, no glory in anything.
No meaning in anything.
I have sought and sought. I have breathed life and I have extinguished it. I have seen the passing of those I truly loved. I have nurtured new life and set it free. I have given up my own desires, I have crushed my dreams at the altar of self-awareness.
This ant's life is without meaning.
Going out and killing a few ants as I pass, in rage, means ... NOTHING.
And neither does becoming the salvation of any group of these same ants.
We are told that Self-awareness is what "separates" us from the animals. It is what makes us human. But actually it is neither curse nor gift. And that is because our level of self-awareness compared to that of any other creature on this earth is a miniscule gradient of improvement.
At the heart of us, computers, pyschology, science, evolution, not withstanding- we are still just creatures that try to merely survive,procreate, and fan the flames of our own self-worth.
We are merely ants. And I'll live out this ant's life to my ingnoble demise and be satisfied. For there is NO nobility in the fame of the moment, no honor in the notoriety of being noticed for the blink of some other ant's eyes.