Sunday, January 18, 2009

Little black clouds

..following me...

"black clouds hangin over town tonight...
but I don't mind, I don't mind..."

black cloud whispering into my ear-
but I don't hear, I won't hear...

if you're cold I'll tell you its the summer breeze-
one kiss from me, and it'll be alright

What time will you let me down?


I'm not down yet.

(brief interlude:
silence broken by the psssshh of a tallboy beer being slowly opened- the sound of a zipper being pulled down, of the first touch of your hand on my thigh, a voice saying "I.." when you know the next words are "love you". It's the sound of a promise- maybe one yet to be fulfilled-but, ah that sound means that release is one step closer...)

Then he lies awake and he wonders-

Why can't that be me?

... cause in his life he's filled with all these good intentions-
he's left a lot of things he'd rather not mention

right now.

If I could be like that, what would I do?

(Sighs envelop you, me, everything.
Introspection only comes when passion has ebbed away. Only after the moment passes me by do I second guess myself. Then I second guess the second guess... and so on, and on. Never one to LIVE in anything but the moment. But, I'll allow myself the guilt of this backwards glance- knowing I can't change anything- KNOWING- in my stubborn asshole self awareness, that I wouldn't change my first reaction If I could any-damn-way.
but, I like to TELL myself I'd have been better if I had just had that second chance)

now the currents only pulling me down...

I used to roll the dice
feel the fear in my enemies eyes-

the minute that I held the key- next the doors closed on me...

... and that was when I ruled the world...

(What the fuck is this second guessing horseshit anyway?! Even I don't believe in it. I've never been one to forgive, but I love to forget. Bring the new dawn and a new day's innocence to lose. I'll allow myself to be reborn as many times as I want...

But recent days bring the revelation that birth- and even re-birth just ain't all that exciting.)

I'm so addicted to-

Nothing, anymore. And I wish, almost, that I was. I've never been one to ask God for anything. I always believed that the only blasphemy was to ask God for anything that is only of use to YOU in this petty existence. But I kinda want to ask God to give me a fix.

A fix that makes me want to live this life.
A fix that makes me love again
A fix that makes me desire another day here, rather than despise it)

Wake up in the morning, get to living my life...
making sure I'm all that I can be....


ain't worried about nothing, cept the man I want to be...

(but who in the hell do I want to be, anymore? I've been everyone I ever wanted to be... Not to mention a half dozen bastards I never imagined being...)

And I thought I found it-
couple times even settled down.

and I'd hang around just long enough to find my way back out-

I'd be thankful for the tears...

( only when I was semi-happy again)

Nothing is unattainable. But I only want what I believe I'll never find. And if it happens to drop into my life, no matter how miraculously and heaven sent-

I'd love it, fuck it, own it, and suck it dry- of all that I could- and I'd give it up to chase the next unreachable dream.

It's the quest that matters. Not the Grail itself.
I'd piss in it and toss it to the roadside after I'd drunk it empty. It's the search that matters.

And when you're done searching, you're done.
Two-edged blade that is. Decadence is its own reward, as the infamous one once said.

When you are done searching, you have either found what you were looking for-
or you have tired of jousting windmills. Either way, when its done, you're done. And when you havent found what you're looking for, after all this time- you know you must have been looking for the wrong thing all along.

And, that's alright too.

The answers that come are seldom the ones we thought we were seeking.

Now Dance, Fucker, Dance

Show me how to lie
You're getting better all the time
And turning all against one
is an art thats hard to teach

Another clever word
sets off an unsuspecting herd
And as you step back into line
a mob jumps to their feet

Now dance, fucker, dance
man, he never had a chance
And no one even knew
It was really only you