A blogger friend who I respect quite a bit chastised me for my admittedly simplistic reasoning concerning the recent election. And, I've got to admit, my personal life has kept me from blogging much, and really, from even any deep contemplation of the situation in the past few months. My heart's just not in it, and I'm sure my dwindling readership at the House has noticed. I've been half-assing it, and I half-assed my email to him as well, which led to him handing my ass to me.
Reading his letter to me reminded me of me talking to my dumbass brother. I've got no excuse, except I've been too lazy and too apathetic to delve past the surfaces lately. All my time is spent at work, and then, working overtime from home, deep into the night, processing shit on the company site. My focus has been on the kids, the house, the bills, on my one materialistic desire, to get the new Camaro, which ain't gonna happen... but it makes an effective carrot, illusionary as it may be-
I sent my oldest son enough money to buy a Geo - something - I don't think it was a metro, but hell, he lost me at "Geo". When he and my youngest son, Evan, come to visit for Yule, I'm giving the SS to Evan and driving them back to Tempe, where I will load up the camaro I worked so hard to build for Andrew and trailer it back to Tejas to replace the motor... God, what a fucked up mess that turned out to be.. Best intentions, blood, sweat, tears- and all for what? To make a non-stop 28 hour round trip drive to take him the car to let it remain parked for two fucking years!
uh, see how easy it is for me to get sidetracked? I didn't mean to go off on a tangent about the boys and cars, but this shit takes all my mental energy.
Any-damn-way- I just don't have the juice for all the intricacies right now. I am boiling it down to the essentials- and trying not to be too much of a hypocrite along the way. I thought my reply to his putting-me-in-my-place was interesting (in the same selfish way I find all my own shit interesting) but maybe it will give you a window to where I am, mentally right now:
Jaysus= Let's see, do I have any more balloons floating around that you can pop? Dammit boy, just stomp on my G.I.joes and tell me that Beef Jerky makes you impotent...
(actually after this latest offspring- I could live with some impotence. Damn you reproductive system, Damn you to Hell!)
Anyway, as usual, you are much smarter and introspective than me. I am surrounded by Republican lunatics, a level that even reaches into the illegal immigration population here in West Texas... Today, at a business luncheon at a local bar-b-cue joint (which actually has decent blues musicians) I was surrounded by people bitching about Obama, threatening to kill Obama, hoping someone kills Obama, and talking about how they made their kids wear black to the schools yesterday to mark the "death of the nation". I ain't shy- I told them, loudly,(and a group of Oil workers at the next table)- that they were all retarded and laughed in their faces. But, it was a front. These people actually scare the shit out of me.
Hell, man- if only every American were as intelligent and as thoughtful as you...
But they aint. They celebrate the monsters and vilify anyone who may even represent a tiny change. That these vile fake christians wanted McCain is reason enough for me to support anyone else. That they use any transparent lie as an excuse to publicly cry out for the assassination of a President because he is simply half-black is reason enough for me to fight against them. I am glad you arent in the middle of these, the Pure American brood. The chosen christian children who will happily kill anyone and everything that isnt - THEM.
I like to think I make daily gains. But sometimes I don't fucking know. It's like I'm some kind of reverse missionary for decency and independent thought. I can be an Obama supporter and even a damn liberal without too much grief, but thats mainly because I'm white too (white enough I suppose), I'm mean, and I never back down without a fight to these animals. So they leave me alone, basically, although I already have become somewhat of a pariah in this tiny community, especially with my wife working at the school and us, with the gall to have not joined a local church after a year here (Egad!) But if these people ever knew I didnt believe in THEIR God, My kids wouldn't be safe and my wife wouldn't be safe. And my pride in my beliefs is secondary to all that...
I should leave for saner pastures, I KNOW this. But this is my land, in more ways than one in my head. And I'm not ready to leave, Maybe I never will because I'm too damn stubborn.
I don't know. It's a daily conflict. One that falls to the background as I simply work and take care of my family first, and put these semi-abstract ideals behind me. It ain't like I'm fucking gandhi or even someone semi-important. I'm just a wolf in sheeps clothing out here. Taking a bite out of their asses when I can...
Maybe someday soon I will have the free time like I did at the investment firm, that will allow me the luxury of thinking deeply about politics, breathing deeply in the world's events and even managing a useful exhale now and then.
Til then, these days, my greatest contemplation is looking into Tristan's eyes and wondering how much decency and independence I can pass to him. My deepest joy is Rain's heartfelt and heart-stopping "I Love you Daddy". My noblest conversations are those between me and Amy, discussing the environment, religion, music, and freedom. And my deepest question is how to daily show Lauren just how much I love and appreciate her.