Morality in action

Thinking of my friend Jerry M., who was so disgusted with me for calling out the problems with today's law enforcement. Its always harder to do the right thing.

But that's the deal. Its called the Law. You either support it, and follow it, and Uphold it- OR YOU DON"T. There are no shortcuts to doing the right thing.

If our law enforcement officials justify breaking the law- then it is doomed to failure. You want be a cop? You want to serve and protect? Then you have to hold yourself to higher standards. No, it ain't easy. No, its not fair that criminals break the rules-

You are a Cop. You are a Police officer. The SECOND that you decide you can break the law to justify - ANYTHING- you just became a criminal too. Its that simple.

I keep waiting for ONE GOOD COP to come out and stand up for what's right. I keep waiting for that ballsy Crusader who says- "This isn't right. This is NOT what this is about." I keep waiting for one cop to come out and look at a dirty cop and go= "Damn- that guy is a Disgrace to the force".

But I watch the news every night- and i haven't seen it happen yet. What, does that mean? What does that say to everyone out there who has seen police corruption= when the good cops are obviously held in check by the bad ones?

I've been a bad guy in the past. and i've been to jail, multiple times, and i've paid the debts i incurred, in my ignorance, in my rebelliousness, and in my willfull stupidity. And I dont screw up anymore- not because i dont want to be punished- but because i realize and comprehend the error of those ways. I don't want to be a dumbass, who breaks the law and makes life harder on those around me. I realize that even as a simple citizen, i have a responsibility to not fuck up- to take care of my fellow citizens- by just living right- and not taking advantage of anyone in my day to day life. Hell, even going out of my way to do a good deed or two just to make the world a better place.

its not the easiest way to live- but i do believe its the right way.

The Traveller-Heart

By Vachel Lindsay 1879–1931

(To a Man who maintained that the Mausoleum is the Stateliest Possible Manner of Interment)

 

I would be one with the dark, dark earth:—

Follow the plough with a yokel tread.

I would be part of the Indian corn,

Walking the rows with the plumes o'erhead. 

I would be one with the lavish earth, 

Eating the bee-stung apples red: 

Walking where lambs walk on the hills;

By oak-grove paths to the pools be led.

I would be one with the dark-bright night

When sparkling skies and the lightning wed—

Walking on with the vicious wind

By roads whence even the dogs have fled.

I would be one with the sacred earth

On to the end, till I sleep with the dead.

Terror shall put no spears through me.

Peace shall jewel my shroud instead.

I shall be one with all pit-black things

Finding their lowering threat unsaid:

Stars for my pillow there in the gloom,—

Oak-roots arching about my head!

Stars, like daisies, shall rise through the earth,

Acorns fall round my breast that bled.

Children shall weave there a flowery chain,

Squirrels on acorn-hearts be fed:—

Fruit of the traveller-heart of me,

Fruit of my harvest-songs long sped:

Sweet with the life of my sunburned days

When the sheaves were ripe, and the apples red.

Uncommon Core

It's interesting how, that no matter how chaos swings this marionette, that this far-flung body always swings back to the same familiar orbit.

Or maybe not so interesting...

Maybe it's a matter of simplicity.

Perhaps, it's a lack of forward thrust.

I daresay, no one could ever argue that it was a lack of my expansive imagination.

...

Humble beginnings- and a deliciously, deserved humble ending- of my own choice.

It's all that I ever wanted.

But, endings will come soon enough. All too easy to focus on grand (or not-so grand) finale's.

The trouble is not only treading water, but holding my children above the water while I do it.

I do believe that I've done a good job.

I don't say it lightly.

I see others doubt. I see them wane, I see them fail, I see them fall, I see them weaken.

I am a harsh judge- of myself, worst of all.  But, judging- hell, that's almost a gift, of mine.

I sift the wheat from the chaff. I boil the fat from the bone. I scatter the smoke from the fire.

I gently blow on those flames, watch the falseness wift away.

And I'm left with what I am left with.  What matters? As always- the children. The future, the line, the legacy. Such as it is.

What matters is certainly not Ourselves. And when I look around, at the shadowy half-lives led around me- by people with no conviction whose only goals surround their own petty desires, I know that I've lived true- despite it all.

I used to look at the mirror- and hope I didn't flinch.
I used to look at the mirror and struggle to meet my own eyes.
I used to look at the mirror and want to know that I was at peace.

I look in the mirror now, and smile.

I've met all the goals I EVER hoped to achieve. My success has been met.
But it came with a price. Now when I look at my friends, my family, everyone that I've met- I see them in my reflection- I stare at them with these unflinching eyes and their weaknesses are all too plain. I try to empathize- but hell, I don't even empathize with my own weaknesses. You fix them. Or you fucking fail. You fail yourself. You fail your children.

And, I won't ever do that.

Good men, Good deeds, Good memories

Confusion... Is... nothing new.

Drove home in the snow... really bad roads- I've discovered the secret to driving safely in the snow: Drive Slow and Drink.

Seriously.

I took the girls to Grandmas.  Damn plumbing fucked up on this rent house. again. sigh.

Snow on the ground. lots and lots of snow. Not gonna get fixed this weekend- THIS- I know.

So I drove the slow hour to Lubbock and dropped them off and grandmas.

Hell, its not like I need plumbing= i'll be making drunken Led Zepplin alien marks in the snow for the next 3 days.

So, I got them there, then I got my ass home. Didn't leave the truck right away... cranked the music up, and grabbed a beer out of the backseat once I was safely home. Randomly stuck the stereo on "K" and found a few choice tunes- or maybe- they found me.

So closed off- when the emotions hit- they hit hard.

Somehow, the memory of me selling business cards to Star Books and Comics rose up in my memory.

Not because they were really awesome business cards, or anything like that-

Mainly because I was desperate.

its a long story. I cried over it earlier, reminiscing.

I even imagined writing down the details- and a heartfelt thanks to Robert- the owner of Star- for throwing me a bone, in a time of need- that he couldn't have even understand how low I was at that moment.

Its a good story.

I find that I'm tired of trying to tell these stories- no matter how important they are/were to my life.

Who the fuck am I trying to impress? at this point? Nobody. But, I do want to give credit where credit is due.

Thank you Robert. Your good deed is not forgotten. And it fed my kids that month.

I hate her most days.

Well, 99 out of 100, if you must know.

But, sometimes I think about that 1 out of 100.

And it’s not for me.

But, I think about what would make her happy

- and what it would take-
For her, to be so together…  that she would be around.. for them.
I know, right? Talk about 1 out of 100…
And I think to myself- as bad as I feel..sometimes-

Not Now of course, don’t be silly-

But, damn, she must feel worse-

I know what it’s like- having my boys taken away-
always there,
but just a little bit out of reach.
First Andrew and Evan-
And then- Lauren, revisiting that nightmare on me again with Tristan.
Don’t ever say she didn’t win- in the end.

But, I’m always there- waiting in the wings- for my chance  to swoop in and be there, when I can.

So, when I look around, when Amy looks around, when Rain looks around..
And she’s just a ghost.

That’s when I hate her the most, and when I feel the sorriest for her.

How easy is It- to just wait there, for the moments when they need you.

They Always Come Back, part 16

Conversation with a lost love

10/9/14

Her: I will always love you. You know that?
It's kinda scary how much alike we are

Him: Well, hun wish you were here - tell about some new music- everytime u introduce me to a new song I fall in love with it. I love you too.

Her: You know I hate being called Hun.

Him: Well Fuck.

Her: HAHAHA What's on your mind? Ever heard the song Monster by Megan Myers?

Him: Goddamn, I have missed you. I'll never be what u want, what u need, or even what u deserve - but I'll be damned if I say I didn't miss you.

Her: I miss you too. Talk to me. What's on your mind?!

Him: Just you- NOW- damn u- just you
Such a beautifully wicked woman

Her: I'm... sorry?
No, I'm gonna take that as a compliment.

Him: It was definitely, infinitely a compliment- who needs boring sedate people who play by the rules? Not I

Her: I did a professional shoot earlier this year- wanna see some of my pictures?

Him: Of course I do, but your pictures will never be as beautiful as the image of you in my mind the first time we made love.

Her: I thought guys didn't 'make love'

Him: That just shows your usual poor choice in men. A real man makes love. Any moron can fuck a girl.

Her: Well... I don't recall you ever calling it that...

Him: I don't know how I could call the first time with you anything BUT the epitome of lovemaking
I don't have a boat. I don't have a big fat bank account. I don't have the attention span of a gnat.
All that I have is my Heart and my word-and I don't let just anyone break them.

Her: I have no plans of breaking anything of yours.

Him: I believe that you have no plans.

Her: What does that mean?? I have nothing to offer anyone- Absolutely nothing- I am just a bitter bitchy soulless wench.

Him: I'm sure that your motives don't include hurting me. It's just an unfortunate side effect of the tsunami that Is  K______
Lucky for you that I welcome it al.

Her:

Him:

Time has come

Time has come

I.

So many loves lost

And still just one life to lose

Shadows reverberate in my memories of this lost moment-

(or that one… I forget)

While the present stands still as a corpse

As still as I try to hold this life

not-quite-lost

Yet never, apparently, to be … found.

II.

I try each day to give up on this addiction to – life

Attempting to block out meanings so endlessly futile

And reasons that just bring deeper guilt

III.

I hold my heart, I smother it, one beat at a time

I whisper to it softly, “Hush.. close your eyes. It will all be over soon”

Forgive, Forswear, but above all- Forget.

These open eyes have done nothing but curse me, all these years

“There will come a time, you’ll see, when no more tears- and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill- and see- what you find there, with grace in your heart and fly- was in your head..” Mumford and sons, After the storm

IV.

There will come a time, you’ll see-

When the only thing you fear- is keeping on.

V.

Endlessly twisting, this fate of mine

Always held it in my hands- Am I lucky that way?

or is that me taking destiny by a strong hand and shaking my own fears into submission?

I have always known that I own this life

Double edged sword, that.

Believing it, makes me understand that THIS is the future I bequeathed myself.

No one to blame but me

Own the Hell that you have given yourself.

If you can.                         

VI.

Myself? I’m working on it.

Fade, 7/1/2014 .. fuck, did I make it this long? Still don’t know if that’s a shame or a blessing...