Crazy parents

What drives me crazy about Andrea is that she always does the opposite of whats best- For Her, for the girls,for all of us.

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  Kirk Berryhill i tred to tell her while she was here. But- she wasnt having any of that. She always had an excuse.

  9 hours ago · Like
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  Kirk Berryhill Life CAN be a very simple thing- if you let it- you do whats best for the kids- and WOW! Things are better. Amazing, innit?

  8 hours ago · Like · 2
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  Jessica Love And this surprises you????

  4 hours ago via mobile · Like
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  Kirk Berryhill it ALWAYS continues to surprise me,

  4 hours ago · Like
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  Jessica Love not sure why you think she is going to change. She really only cares about herself which is sad.

  3 hours ago via mobile · Like
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  Kirk Berryhill Because my girls are so great, i keep thinking she will wake up.

  about an hour ago · Like
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  Tonya Patterson Gooch Oh sweet Kirk. You can not make someone do what they need to do. You have done your best to bring the situation to light but until she actually "sees" it, it will not happen. You can't change who somebody is. Some people just don't have it in them ...See More

  about an hour ago · Unlike · 2
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  Kirk Berryhill I truly cannot believe someone can Never comprehend how important their kids are. But i guess i am just clueless like that. I dont force anything- this was the first time she even saw them in a year and a half. I dont get it. I really dont. My whole li...See More

  about an hour ago · Like · 1
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  Tonya Patterson Gooch I don't know hun! I would do anything for my kids as well. But unfortunately, some people just don't have it in them. To me, that is one of the most selfish acts someone can have. You know I complain about not getting to do things because I am alwa...See More

  about an hour ago · Unlike · 1
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  Jessica Love Kirk all of us see how wonderful your kids are and that is ALL because if you! Andrea was just not meant to be a mother and as much as you would like her to be for the girls sake I just don't think it will happen. Just remember all of your friends love you and are here when you need anything.

  57 minutes ago via mobile · Unlike · 2
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  Kirk Berryhill Sometimes I take it for granted, but i have to thank my Mother for my compassion, and my empathy. She is my backbone. Being compassionate isnt weakness. It takes strength of heart. My father and I - well to say we dont see eye to eye is a light description. There is a time he would have gladly killed me. I think thats passed- but I recognize that he taught me how to hate- and that is a very good survival mechanism. I had the most opposite parents-and lifestyles, growing up- it was very strange. But Now I am who i am- no changing that. And oddly enough, the Love won over the hate- despite my own bad attitude.

  3 minutes ago · Like · 1
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Restraint

Life aint always beautiful.

 

Sitting here, early morning blues. Andrea’s visiting. She’s asleep on the couch. We had a hear t – to- heart last night. Well, I say that, but I pretty much just poured my heart out to her. Maybe not what you expect= I did tell her I love her. But I never told her I wanted her back.

And sonuvabitch, it was hard to keep myself from trying.

But I just told her how I felt- and focused on how Amy and Rain deserved better, from her. I hope she gets it.

I know I will never love again.

And it’s a bittersweet thing. I want that feeling again. I want to feel alive again.

But I’m nothing if not a realist. And I know as much as part of me wants that world, that life-
I know I’m far too jaded for it now.
Nowadays, a little bit of drunken peace is all that I can hope for.

Time to reflect- Never- to forget. A few drinks in me- it used to be to dull the sharp edge of pain. Not anymore. There’s no pain, really, these days. Its mainly now to numb my self-awareness. Its to keep me from jumping to my next bad conclusion. The final one. And, I can’t go there. I still got to take care of a few things. I gotta keep on keeping on.

And the drinking keeps me on the path, not the opposite, like some might think.

It keeps me from moving forward. Cause I’m always leaping before I look. But in this case, I’ve looked. I’ve looked down the road into infinity and I’ve found the end of my road. And, without a sedative to slow me down- I’d jump right into the face of fate.

So, it’s a waiting game. Breathe in, Breathe out. EASY, mothefucker. Slow down. All things in good time.

I know my limitations. FINALLY. Heh.

So I restrain myself- every day, every hour, every minute. It’s a hard, thing. Heart spinning madly while I struggle to hold my breath each moment.

FOCUS, Fucker.

Focus.

There are the things that matter- and then there’s everything else.

So, here I am.

Holding tight.

Hated, Fated

Dreaming, Scheming

            Lying, Dying

            Those of us who were born to muse-

            Those of us who live to lose,

 

            Hated, Fated

            Darkened, Harkened

            Great are hopes,thoughts, intentions

            Doomed be faiths, ideals, ambitions...

from 1995

Russell Means Interview from 1980

The powerful truth in Russell's words ring strongly in my heart. Amazing, thought provoking, and affirming.

http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/10/russell-means-mother-jones-interview-1980

Something in the way she loves me

Me: I know how much of love's dilletante that i am

i prefer my solitude in the end

i dont want to share myself

I have my lovers- my fleeting fickle fantasy flavors

to entertain me when I tire .. of... myself

sex really,

there are those I loved- and they burned me so bad, i'll NEVER let that wall down again

and .. i'm kinda good with that

 

Her: I don't need you to be better. I need you to be you.

 

Me: and That, is the nicest thing you've ever said to me, my dear.

That is LOVE

Not wanting a change

Her: Good thing for me im already inside that wall.

Me: able to appreciate that which you love for what IT IS.

I knew there was a reason i loved you.

 

Her: I don't love my version of you in my head. I love you for you. For the fucked up wonderful man i know you are under all the BS.

 

Me: You had me at "I dont need you to be better"

Later in the conversation -

 

Me: and ...

well...

she loves me, and I appreciate her love

even if she is a little off kilter

 

Her: Oh hell. The poor girl. She never had a chance.

 

Me: i have never been one to dissuade someone from loving me

 

I broke up with her when i met Andread

so, she has that against me, lol

and yes- she never had a chance

story of my life

i have my admirers, and thank god for them

I dont have the balls to love anyone too long

 

Her: What one of your girls doesn't continue to dream that she still has a chance?

 

Me: or at least not too consistently

They usually find a man who can give them more attention

and poof

the dream is over

Dreams are for suckers, My love

Thats why they are DREAMS

Reality takes work

Reality is being a Dad and a mom and an employee

its work

I dont want to work for Love

And, THAT is why I'm doomed to never have it for long

 

Her: Id share you. .

 

Surrender

My biggest fear is not that u won't ever be with me.

My biggest fear is that you come to me, and I am not everything you need.

Her: I don't know. That's why I'm in the situation that I'm in. I'm scared of you and I don't know why...

The reason i know that i love you more than ever is that I understand that what is best for you may not involve me, and i want what is best for you

Her: I've never met anyone like you... I've never felt love like that

Whatever happens... I am glad that I have. Just thinking of you makes my heart swell and the day is a little better for your being a tiny part of it


 

 

That faraway look we get

Another birthday without my sons.

Just when I finally got over the pain of missing Evan's and Andrew's, Lauren runs two states away with Tristan and I have to relive this fucking nightmare again.

I wish both those selfish bitches a lifetime of pain.

I wish I could pass it on to them, the agony of NOT having your children near.

As much as I despise Andrea, I'd have never took the girls away from her.

Fucking blackhearted whores.

You hurt your sons as much as you hurt me by separating us, with your self-absorbed sense of what is right for YOU.

So, when they get that faraway look later in life, that I was forced to bear, never having my father close, realize that YOU own that piece of their broken soul.

I can't drop everything and change my life the way you did. The boys were all born right here, just like the girls. And I have to take care of them right here. I can't run off and chase you as you run away, never looking back.

And now, Tristan is gone, just like Andrew and Evan.  And I'll get to see them two or three times a year for the rest of their lives. I can't afford much more than that with them both five hundred miles away from their birthplace, in different directions. And I've got to hear you tell me, Lauren, for the rest of your life, just like that cunt Trish, that you HAD to do it. I've got to hear YOUR fucking excuse now, for the next twenty goddamn years. And bite my fucking tongue, lest you decide he even doesnt need to visit me for the summers like Trish decided for the boys when they got older.

One of these fucking days- I'll call in these debts, you pieces of shit. But it won't be til I finish raising the girls. I've still got my job to do, to be the parent, and to raise my girls right- in spite of your poisonous influence on them as well. Because you left them behind too, just like Andrea, in your haste to make it better on yourself.

And you owe for that, as well.