Alone

Alone
by Edgar Allan Poe

From childhood’s hour I have not been

As others were- I have not seen

As others saw- I could not bring

My passions from a common spring-

From the same source I have not taken

My sorrow- I could not awaken

My heart to joy at the same tone-

And all I lov’d – I lov’d alone-

Then- in my childhood- in the dawn

Of a most stormy life- was drawn

From ev’ry depth of good and ill

The mystery which binds me still-

From the torrent, or the fountain-

From the red cliff of the mountain-

From the sun that ‘round me roll’d

In its autumn tint of gold-

From the lightning in the sky

As it pass’d me flying by-

From the thunder, and the storm-

And the cloud that took the form

(When the rest of Heaven was blue)

Of a demon in my view-

Alone
by Edgar Allan Poe

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.

From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.

Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

 

Valentine's Dreams

Bloody Mary weekend, take 1

Valentine’s card to imaginary possible girlfriends, take 1

"i love you... and i wish you were here

and you are NOT
so you must be some figment of my imagination
because, in some odd part of me, i somehow believe that you would make me, wildly, unoppressedly happy
you would make everything okay

and thats a very seductive thing

and as i pine for the fjords, and contemplate my life with that special woman...

i reject you... because i am so scared

that you might be right for me-(and - i might be right for you)
and in this oh-so-scarred world of pain and hate- that can't happen...

and, this is the part, where i reach out for you

and you, who have been waiting so long for me to unfuck myself and understand your love- and take your hand-

All you have to to do is - take it.

and suddenly, the magic is gone, and the chase is over- and your prince has knelt before you, diamonds glittering in hand, tears on his face

 

and your own hand drops. And you think of every excuse as to why this fairy tale should not end happily.

you may even tell him an excuse or two, as you walk away.

 

if you are merciful.

 

But, either way, once he is yours, you don't want him any longer.

 

And you move on, to your next (and his) broken heart.

                    

Sons, at a distance

I unfriended Andrew and Evan today.

"Sometimes you just have to cut them loose. Done"


I sent this message to Lauren.

I sure hope with all my heart that what happened to Evan and Andrew does not happen to Tristan. Its my worst fear. I will try to do my best to keep my connection as a father as best as I can after you took him away.

But it sure did not work out well with those two. They could not even be bothered to call me about Grandma Berryhill passing away. I left them voicemails and texts- and not for me- I wanted them to call MY Dad and offer him some condolences. Even after everything Lee Berryhill has done to me- I asked them to offer him that mercy. But, that's just more effort than they had in them. I don't know what fucked up shit their mother did to make them this way- but I will do anything you want me to, to prevent you from doing the same to Tristan.

We are his family too.

But beyond that, just teach him the right things to do in life. I cant be there. Not when hes 1000 miles away. So, its up to you. Please don't teach him to think that this side of his family does not matter, the way Trish taught Evan and Andrew.

Because it is fucking heartbreaking.

Mentoring Anti Authority since the 60's

Kirby King passed away this week. (Known as Tychis Kano to his Austin Hippie Hollow friends). He is going to be missed. He was an original, and probably at least one third of why I am the way I am today. I like to think I helped spread the insanity to those I've been a mentor to through the years.

Above is a scan of a letter he mailed me, in 1991 and below is a letter I had written him from 1992.

To Kirby King, my mentor

    Herr King:

What's up? Not too fucking much here. Just kicking back in front

of my computer, writing you back. kind of a lethargic mood, so expect a boring letter... called your pops he said you were no longer in residence, didnt know if he was lying or not. If he gets this letter to you, call me at work any week day after five. I work everyday except Friday. Didnt get to go to the Metallica/Guns and Roses show. I worked for shawn so him and his bitch could go. It was supposedly an excellent concert. And I've been informed that I have to work for him Oct.1 which is the date of Ozzys concert (No more tours/tears) Oh well. Not much in the Big D just listening to Z rock and half ass attending college when I don't sleep late, have a hangover, or have some girl in my bed.

(Mainly hangovers) I decided i'd send you some of the fucked up shit I have been typing on my word processor program on the computer here for posterity, I guess. Enjoy it. It will be famous some day when I'm dead. So if you are still alive at that time you can sell it for mega bucks or some shit.

    So Todds got a girlfriend with a mind. When did they start adding

those to females? Must've been an option package. Tell him he better check her medical history (He might be dating the result of a sex change operation).

        So when are you gonna show up here. It has been a summer full of kegs and beer and pools and women and drugs. I also work 40 hours a week in my spare time. These people aren't your average Frat dicks, either,.they are actually pretty cool. The chicks are all bitches, but havent they always been? I got a girlfriend, Blonde and good lookin too,! Scared of that. She doesn't believe in giving head. I shall make a believer out of here before it is over with. Well enough bullshit.

So you have been listening to Spin Doctors, Faith no more, etc. huh I been listening to ALice in Chains, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog, My life with the Thrill kill kult, Utah Saints, Sisters of mercy... Heard of any of them? I am gonna send you a picture I drew (While asleep at work) so cherish it also. i didnt finish it but I think its cool so frame it on your wall or something (if you have to use it for toilet paper, please wipe with the blank side)

What the hell I'll send you two pictures cause i got this other one that I drew while sleeping in class.

 hey hey hey hey

      I guess  i will take off now. Stay Drunk and remember - Decadence is its own reward (heard that from an evangelist) little does he know how true that statement it is. Oh - hasn't Todd graduated yet?

                                               Anyway

     Your Disciple of anti Authority

                                           Sidekick to Chaos
                                            Igor to your Frankenstein
                                Sept.10 1992 11:32am                                 
                            Wondering if there is life after college..
                                                   ?

Chris Topher Ki Rk Berry Hill                                              later....

Ode to a Grandma

And, we buried Grandma today.

Ma-Ma. Helen Berryhill. Matriarch, Icon, Heart of the Berryhill clan.

It still has not hit me, her being gone. Like with Mom, my mind kept the loss at arm's length, for a time.

I know it will hit me. But right now, my heart is in limbo and my mind skirts the loss.

Listening to music. Girls have gone out, to go out to eat with Dad and Family. The obituary I wrote was well-received. Everyone seems to have "gotten" it. Even Dad. It was as close to the truth as this family gets....

The family knows. I guess I was shocked at how many of them understood what I was saying. Maybe Dad, Ryan and I are far more transparent than I believed. ?  But, it was good. Sometimes you got to quit holding that pain inside.

It was a good day.

And, now , I'm working slowly through my own pain- walking the labyrinth of my psyche, and twisting my way through the path to my own twisted heart.

And once I arrive at my destination, I'm hoping I will be able to sit myself down, exhale.

And find where I go from here.

Mom, gone. Ma gone. and now, Ma-Ma. I've had the blessing of all these strong, powerful women in my life. Everyone knows I'm wild and crazy and rebellious and Fuck you all and all that- but I've been tempered by these ladies existing in my life, and judging my actions.

and now, they are all gone from my life. I don't care about anyone else's judgement- Except, the young ones in my life- my children. And, their judgement does not hold the weight that my elders did.

Whew. Exhale. Exhale. exhale...

And now, the trick is to breathe in, and live life to my own standards, to my own judgement.

and hope that I don't fail myself.

Ode to a Fishbowl

Ode to a Fishbowl

Swimming in circles

Big Fin King
Catching nothing but my own tail-
Ominous and unforgiving
Obtuse and unforgiven
Just because I’m not caught up in the frenzy
It doesn’t mean I’m not slowly consuming myself

Regurgitating random wisdom

Cutthroat barracuda prince

Biting every hand that ever fed-

Bitter and hating
Bested and hated
Just because I’m not floating in stupidity
It doesn’t mean I’m not willfully drowning myself

Drifting upside down

Deadeyed guppy heir
Reflecting every pain ever borne, or felt-
Succinct and Simple
Sorry and self absorbed
Just because I’m not repenting my sins
It doesn’t mean I’m not destroying myself out of guilt.

Kirk, 5/28/15

The Song Always Ends

The song ends, and she takes a drink from her beer as I drink her presence in.

We haven’t been dating very long- a couple of weeks, at this point. We’ve settled into relaxing with music, drinks and each other’s company after the kids are fast asleep.

I’m mesmerized by her. It’s been a long time since a woman had my attention the way that Jennifer has it. I take another drink, my eyes slide past her, subtly. Watching her out of the corner of my eye- rapt, but not wanting her to know how much of my attention she is actually occupying.

Her hand rests on mine. I don’t move, because I don’t want to change anything about this moment. The music has ended. I know that I should get up, move to the computer and play more music- to extend this perfection- to prevent anything from interfering with this brief slice of love.

But I don’t want to take her hand off mine.

…

I watch her eyes as she looks around my living room, she takes in the art on the walls, the pictures of the kids, the family, and her eyes end up on my bookshelf. She glances from book to book- and I see her confusion. Who has books? Who reads? It’s plainly illustrated across her features as she is trying to map my persona into her world…

She can’t hide her disdain, her smile morphs into a frown. I see it coming, and I squeeze her hand and rise- “Need another drink?”  Yes, my go to excuse for avoidance.

“Shuure… “ I go to get us both another drink. A part of me hopes that she won’t go there- but I know it’s coming- it always does, with the simple ones.

“Sooo- you read a lot, huh?”.  I take a long gulp, then smile, bend to kiss her brow and hand her another beer.

“Yes.”

“Do you think all those books make you smart?”

I don’t tell her what I want to, that everything that you read, that you experience, that you absorb- makes you more. It’s too abstract to explain. I just say- “I just like to read.”

Perhaps she senses my apprehension. Maybe she feels inadequate and wants to level the playing field in her mind. I see it coming and I can’t stop it.

“I read a lot too.” She informs me. “But I only read one book.”

Of course you only do, you sweet, beautiful woman, of course you only do. Its times like this, I realize that if there is a God, he sure loves to fuck with me.

I don’t ask, because, really? There’s no need. But she tells me, anyway. “The Bible.” Well,  the sarcastic side of me says, I didn’t imagine you were re-reading Charlotte’s Web. But the part of me that was thinking I could fall in love with her only says… “I respect that.” But I don’t. How can I respect someone who has only ever opened one book?

I take another big drink. She continues on, about how the only book anyone needs is the bible and everything else just confuses the singularity of our souls…

I take another drink. And I turn the music back up.

And I tell God- Wipe that shit eating Grin off your face, smartass.

 

PostScript:

I remember a moment where I told myself that I would find God for a girl like her.

Then I think, I wish that she would’ve said to herself:  “I’d find reality for a boy like him”.

But in the end, all that I really wanted was a woman who could understand me, at least a little bit.

And- she didn’t- and so, this song has ended- but I remember its beautiful melody- wrapped up in illusion as it was…

 

Kirk, May 2015- Levelland, TX

Morality in action

Thinking of my friend Jerry M., who was so disgusted with me for calling out the problems with today's law enforcement. Its always harder to do the right thing.

But that's the deal. Its called the Law. You either support it, and follow it, and Uphold it- OR YOU DON"T. There are no shortcuts to doing the right thing.

If our law enforcement officials justify breaking the law- then it is doomed to failure. You want be a cop? You want to serve and protect? Then you have to hold yourself to higher standards. No, it ain't easy. No, its not fair that criminals break the rules-

You are a Cop. You are a Police officer. The SECOND that you decide you can break the law to justify - ANYTHING- you just became a criminal too. Its that simple.

I keep waiting for ONE GOOD COP to come out and stand up for what's right. I keep waiting for that ballsy Crusader who says- "This isn't right. This is NOT what this is about." I keep waiting for one cop to come out and look at a dirty cop and go= "Damn- that guy is a Disgrace to the force".

But I watch the news every night- and i haven't seen it happen yet. What, does that mean? What does that say to everyone out there who has seen police corruption= when the good cops are obviously held in check by the bad ones?

I've been a bad guy in the past. and i've been to jail, multiple times, and i've paid the debts i incurred, in my ignorance, in my rebelliousness, and in my willfull stupidity. And I dont screw up anymore- not because i dont want to be punished- but because i realize and comprehend the error of those ways. I don't want to be a dumbass, who breaks the law and makes life harder on those around me. I realize that even as a simple citizen, i have a responsibility to not fuck up- to take care of my fellow citizens- by just living right- and not taking advantage of anyone in my day to day life. Hell, even going out of my way to do a good deed or two just to make the world a better place.

its not the easiest way to live- but i do believe its the right way.

The Traveller-Heart

By Vachel Lindsay 1879–1931

(To a Man who maintained that the Mausoleum is the Stateliest Possible Manner of Interment)

 

I would be one with the dark, dark earth:—

Follow the plough with a yokel tread.

I would be part of the Indian corn,

Walking the rows with the plumes o'erhead. 

I would be one with the lavish earth, 

Eating the bee-stung apples red: 

Walking where lambs walk on the hills;

By oak-grove paths to the pools be led.

I would be one with the dark-bright night

When sparkling skies and the lightning wed—

Walking on with the vicious wind

By roads whence even the dogs have fled.

I would be one with the sacred earth

On to the end, till I sleep with the dead.

Terror shall put no spears through me.

Peace shall jewel my shroud instead.

I shall be one with all pit-black things

Finding their lowering threat unsaid:

Stars for my pillow there in the gloom,—

Oak-roots arching about my head!

Stars, like daisies, shall rise through the earth,

Acorns fall round my breast that bled.

Children shall weave there a flowery chain,

Squirrels on acorn-hearts be fed:—

Fruit of the traveller-heart of me,

Fruit of my harvest-songs long sped:

Sweet with the life of my sunburned days

When the sheaves were ripe, and the apples red.

Uncommon Core

It's interesting how, that no matter how chaos swings this marionette, that this far-flung body always swings back to the same familiar orbit.

Or maybe not so interesting...

Maybe it's a matter of simplicity.

Perhaps, it's a lack of forward thrust.

I daresay, no one could ever argue that it was a lack of my expansive imagination.

...

Humble beginnings- and a deliciously, deserved humble ending- of my own choice.

It's all that I ever wanted.

But, endings will come soon enough. All too easy to focus on grand (or not-so grand) finale's.

The trouble is not only treading water, but holding my children above the water while I do it.

I do believe that I've done a good job.

I don't say it lightly.

I see others doubt. I see them wane, I see them fail, I see them fall, I see them weaken.

I am a harsh judge- of myself, worst of all.  But, judging- hell, that's almost a gift, of mine.

I sift the wheat from the chaff. I boil the fat from the bone. I scatter the smoke from the fire.

I gently blow on those flames, watch the falseness wift away.

And I'm left with what I am left with.  What matters? As always- the children. The future, the line, the legacy. Such as it is.

What matters is certainly not Ourselves. And when I look around, at the shadowy half-lives led around me- by people with no conviction whose only goals surround their own petty desires, I know that I've lived true- despite it all.

I used to look at the mirror- and hope I didn't flinch.
I used to look at the mirror and struggle to meet my own eyes.
I used to look at the mirror and want to know that I was at peace.

I look in the mirror now, and smile.

I've met all the goals I EVER hoped to achieve. My success has been met.
But it came with a price. Now when I look at my friends, my family, everyone that I've met- I see them in my reflection- I stare at them with these unflinching eyes and their weaknesses are all too plain. I try to empathize- but hell, I don't even empathize with my own weaknesses. You fix them. Or you fucking fail. You fail yourself. You fail your children.

And, I won't ever do that.

Good men, Good deeds, Good memories

Confusion... Is... nothing new.

Drove home in the snow... really bad roads- I've discovered the secret to driving safely in the snow: Drive Slow and Drink.

Seriously.

I took the girls to Grandmas.  Damn plumbing fucked up on this rent house. again. sigh.

Snow on the ground. lots and lots of snow. Not gonna get fixed this weekend- THIS- I know.

So I drove the slow hour to Lubbock and dropped them off and grandmas.

Hell, its not like I need plumbing= i'll be making drunken Led Zepplin alien marks in the snow for the next 3 days.

So, I got them there, then I got my ass home. Didn't leave the truck right away... cranked the music up, and grabbed a beer out of the backseat once I was safely home. Randomly stuck the stereo on "K" and found a few choice tunes- or maybe- they found me.

So closed off- when the emotions hit- they hit hard.

Somehow, the memory of me selling business cards to Star Books and Comics rose up in my memory.

Not because they were really awesome business cards, or anything like that-

Mainly because I was desperate.

its a long story. I cried over it earlier, reminiscing.

I even imagined writing down the details- and a heartfelt thanks to Robert- the owner of Star- for throwing me a bone, in a time of need- that he couldn't have even understand how low I was at that moment.

Its a good story.

I find that I'm tired of trying to tell these stories- no matter how important they are/were to my life.

Who the fuck am I trying to impress? at this point? Nobody. But, I do want to give credit where credit is due.

Thank you Robert. Your good deed is not forgotten. And it fed my kids that month.

I hate her most days.

Well, 99 out of 100, if you must know.

But, sometimes I think about that 1 out of 100.

And it’s not for me.

But, I think about what would make her happy

- and what it would take-
For her, to be so together…  that she would be around.. for them.
I know, right? Talk about 1 out of 100…
And I think to myself- as bad as I feel..sometimes-

Not Now of course, don’t be silly-

But, damn, she must feel worse-

I know what it’s like- having my boys taken away-
always there,
but just a little bit out of reach.
First Andrew and Evan-
And then- Lauren, revisiting that nightmare on me again with Tristan.
Don’t ever say she didn’t win- in the end.

But, I’m always there- waiting in the wings- for my chance  to swoop in and be there, when I can.

So, when I look around, when Amy looks around, when Rain looks around..
And she’s just a ghost.

That’s when I hate her the most, and when I feel the sorriest for her.

How easy is It- to just wait there, for the moments when they need you.

They Always Come Back, part 16

Conversation with a lost love

10/9/14

Her: I will always love you. You know that?
It's kinda scary how much alike we are

Him: Well, hun wish you were here - tell about some new music- everytime u introduce me to a new song I fall in love with it. I love you too.

Her: You know I hate being called Hun.

Him: Well Fuck.

Her: HAHAHA What's on your mind? Ever heard the song Monster by Megan Myers?

Him: Goddamn, I have missed you. I'll never be what u want, what u need, or even what u deserve - but I'll be damned if I say I didn't miss you.

Her: I miss you too. Talk to me. What's on your mind?!

Him: Just you- NOW- damn u- just you
Such a beautifully wicked woman

Her: I'm... sorry?
No, I'm gonna take that as a compliment.

Him: It was definitely, infinitely a compliment- who needs boring sedate people who play by the rules? Not I

Her: I did a professional shoot earlier this year- wanna see some of my pictures?

Him: Of course I do, but your pictures will never be as beautiful as the image of you in my mind the first time we made love.

Her: I thought guys didn't 'make love'

Him: That just shows your usual poor choice in men. A real man makes love. Any moron can fuck a girl.

Her: Well... I don't recall you ever calling it that...

Him: I don't know how I could call the first time with you anything BUT the epitome of lovemaking
I don't have a boat. I don't have a big fat bank account. I don't have the attention span of a gnat.
All that I have is my Heart and my word-and I don't let just anyone break them.

Her: I have no plans of breaking anything of yours.

Him: I believe that you have no plans.

Her: What does that mean?? I have nothing to offer anyone- Absolutely nothing- I am just a bitter bitchy soulless wench.

Him: I'm sure that your motives don't include hurting me. It's just an unfortunate side effect of the tsunami that Is  K______
Lucky for you that I welcome it al.

Her:

Him:

Time has come

Time has come

I.

So many loves lost

And still just one life to lose

Shadows reverberate in my memories of this lost moment-

(or that one… I forget)

While the present stands still as a corpse

As still as I try to hold this life

not-quite-lost

Yet never, apparently, to be … found.

II.

I try each day to give up on this addiction to – life

Attempting to block out meanings so endlessly futile

And reasons that just bring deeper guilt

III.

I hold my heart, I smother it, one beat at a time

I whisper to it softly, “Hush.. close your eyes. It will all be over soon”

Forgive, Forswear, but above all- Forget.

These open eyes have done nothing but curse me, all these years

“There will come a time, you’ll see, when no more tears- and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill- and see- what you find there, with grace in your heart and fly- was in your head..” Mumford and sons, After the storm

IV.

There will come a time, you’ll see-

When the only thing you fear- is keeping on.

V.

Endlessly twisting, this fate of mine

Always held it in my hands- Am I lucky that way?

or is that me taking destiny by a strong hand and shaking my own fears into submission?

I have always known that I own this life

Double edged sword, that.

Believing it, makes me understand that THIS is the future I bequeathed myself.

No one to blame but me

Own the Hell that you have given yourself.

If you can.                         

VI.

Myself? I’m working on it.

Fade, 7/1/2014 .. fuck, did I make it this long? Still don’t know if that’s a shame or a blessing...

Letter to Myself: Notations on semi-insanity

Q: If you stop to wonder if you are insane, does that imply that you are not too far gone?

Q2: Or does it indicate that you are so far over the edge of madness that you have to ask?

A: Who's really sane, anyhow?

And for that matter who is the epitome of saneness that he (or she, heaven forbid) can be self righteous enough to deem others lacking in that intangible quality? I, as a doubter of the sanity of the Universe/Multiverse in general say that I am a prime candidate for that position... but then again, I never was much into the politics of status. O' lovely nonsense thy name is Man.

Why delude yourself with the truth when you can simply deny reality,

ignore injustice and pain, and pretend that you're having a good time?

Don't try to define the reasons for existence- Do as most men (and

women) - Be as hollow as everyone else. Beleaguering yourself with existential ponderances will only make you see the world as it really is –

...And that will only make you want to leave..!

If life were as simple as some perceive it to be, then the ignorant

would reign and those who lived by thought would be seen as the ultimate fools

Hmm... maybe it is that simple after all.

                                                          kirk - 04/19/92

22 years ago, Same thoughts,same conclusions

Is it only death and dark-done deeds that rule this - this - existence?

No love to call your OWN, No life to really feel...Every being to use all those around them, solely to enhance the so called quality of that "existence".

It was always too easy to denounce those statements as callous and untrue. But, but but- 

Those who feel AND think rather than those who either feel or think know the terrible, sickening truth. When I was but a boy, maybe ten years old, I used to wish that I was a dog, or a cat, or any animal but the one I am. Something that just lived its life to survive with nary a thought to why or how. And here I am, again. What is wisdom, that I still completely want that oblivious existence? What is knowledge, that

I find that I knew it all, when I was but ten years old?

Enough could be enough, except for the optimistic dream that there still can be found a meaning, a reason, a PURPOSE. Doubter that I am, I feel that there never will be found one, that there is none. I always went through these motions, of doubt, of self-pity, of hate, of sorrow, of death of soul and heart; but always there went an angel of creation, who followed my thoughts and gave me happiness in that I was only

one step away from the god/dream/fantasy that is Truth.  I always gave the appearance of despondency, of the despair of utter failure- and now, as i sit here, I Feel it, for maybe the first complete time, I understand the futility of the search for truth and know that to take my own life would be the only dignity I could afford myself, even though no one would ever understand, ending it all for this "life" simply because I do not allow myself the clouding of my soul, do not allow myself to wallow in the hypocrisy in order to survive.

And still, I will not die.

Therefore, I am THE Hypocrite of hypocrites, the damned of the damned...

God, if you truly exist, then truly you are a spiteful old goat of a deity, for your evil "Hope" will not let me quit, will not let me quit... And, I persevere, for nothing? for everything-

I can only 'hope' that in the end I will understand

1992

Rolling stones-Letter to Amy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJV2pWFyfn4

Everyone, at least that I know, always considered me the bad boy- the rolling stone.

I get that (I earned it) but when I t comes to you and Rain, I stopped rolling. I didn't really have a choice. I suppose that I did- but that one choice in my life saved everything about me. This song- is how I have always fantasized my life to be. Its how my dad lived. Its how I was brought up, really. But, its a complicated thing... like most things are.

This song, in ways, sums up a lot of the animosity between me and your mother.

I was that rolling stone- then I wasn't. This song was about me, until I changed it. In your world- this song isn't about me at all. But sometimes I wish it was. That's where your mom comes in.

She's the rolling stone. And- as much as I hate her for it- I love her for it too. Some days I just burn with jealousy that she gets to do whatever she wants, when she wants. Free as she lets herself be. No obligations, No commitments.

Her days are her own.

That's an intoxicating thing, in and of itself. There's less stress when you only have yourself to fend for, there's no decisions that don't benefit you and you alone.

I think of your mother, and I think of this big door with a glowing EXIT sign above it- where I can run through- and escape into myself and myself alone.

I do understand her. I understand her too much.

it's a life without responsibility- without accountability- without thoughts for the future. And without those factors- it makes life an emptiness.

Self is nothing, in the end. Its a lonely, empty room in a castle you may be King of- but its worth absolutely nothing if you haven't lived for someone else at least a few times in your life.

Live for others, so that they may live. That is my lesson for the day.