All swagger aside-

Never Mistake your presence for the event.

Swagger

Look me in the eyes when you kill me, motherfucker.

If you've got the balls.

Pride is a poor substitute. Not even the same animal.

This ain't pride. This ain't some piss-poor ego trip

This is how it fuckin is, and it is what it is-

when you see it, you know it.

FUCK your illusions and screw your delusions

I try to be a good guy, I really fucking do. All for naught, sometimes. I don't even remember what things like fear or regret are... All I know is what I am. And self-control is the biggest gift I've got.

But sometimes, I just don't feel like giving.

Fake it if you don't belong

another day, another theme song.

Pop culture existence

Who's to know if your soul will fade at all?

The longer I live, the better I become, and yet the more I hope that there is no afterlife.

Fuck Heaven, Hell and all the in-between.

What's in a dream? What is a dream, to someone who's lived out all his only real fantasies? All except Fame- but I know myself enough to know that I'd hate that shit and I would allow it to change me.

Better this small slice of infamy- I am the man, the myth. I'm THAT fucker. The guy that doesn't doubt himself. The one who threw away his inheritance because I wouldn't let myself be lessened and wouldn't submit to someone who was so much less than I.

I've got my own little weird pride. Sometimes in the wrong things, and I realize that. But most of the time I pride myself on being better than everyone around me. And I mean that in the most sincere way. It's all I've got, after all. I'm a better father than any of my friends and family. I work harder, I strive harder. I do more with less expectation of reward, and some could consider that a flaw, not a gift. But I embrace that gift with my own brand of self-flagellative bliss. I can handle the pain better than YOU. I'm tough. And I'm true to myself and my friends. I take care of them, even when they abandon me. Fuck it= I can look them in the eye and know I am better, and they can see it too. I've never met anyone quite like me...

And I hope the fuck that I never do.

Makes this throne easier to sit in.

"King of the Dipshits" It ain't much. But its still better than being just a fucking everyman.

Hell is here

I can't Drink myself to sleep! I can't get drunk! What the fuck is wrong with me?

Momma Sed

* This was the first musical track off the album I made for Bubba for Christmas, but never got around to sending him...

Discography of the "Daddy Sed Album"

Seven Seals- Bill Hicks
Momma Sed- Puscifer
Big Little Baby - The Rev
Captain Caveman
My Dad's a Fkn Alcoholic - Hate Fuck Trio
Doin Time - (Original Mix) Sublime
Polly - Nirvana
Christianity - Bill Hicks
Amerika - Rammstein
Loaded Gun - The Rev
Kicks Joy Darkness- Hunter S.
The Mercy Seat - Johnny Cash
Nobody does it better - Radiohead
Year of the Cat (Acoustic) - Al Stewart
Easter - Bill Hicks
River of Deceit - Mad Season
Touching a Brother'Heart - Jay and Silent B
Breed - Nirvana
Lords of this World - Black Sabbath
Shape of my Heart - Sting
Religious Interview - Roger Waters
Last Song - Theory of a Dead man
Secret of the Bottle - Jackyl
Cuntry Boner - Puscifer
Claire Danes Poster - Size 14
Finale - The Orb

Burying the future as fast as the past

You see it all around you-

good loving gone bad.

And usually its too late when you realize what you had...

Not zis time. I've lost and won (do we ever "win"?) in love enough to know that "what you had" only seems good once its gone. I'm wise enough now to know if I wasn't happy THEN, I wouldn't be happy now. Time may heal all wounds, but blurry as her/their image/s is/are, I still manage to recall she/they weren't good enough.

Love is a series of regrets that always seem much more important once the sands of that hourglass have slipped through your fingers.

Or, they did, once upon a time. Now I see that shattered timepiece for what it was. And regret its passing not at all. Bring on tomorrow, I guess, if nothing else, just for the minute hope of a change of pace.

I regret the futures that await, now. Fuck the past and its shadowy, half-remembered lusts, loves, and losses.

Listen to the rythym of the falling rain, telling me just what a fool I've been,
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain, and let me be alone again...

I used to say that Pain was a gift. Then I philosophized that Everything was pain. Now, I realize that Pain is Nothing. Or at least, nothing is painful to me, anymore. My emotional nerve endings are completely numb. All pain is merely theatrics now. Every offense, every affront, all tribulations, all the trials that fall upon me- don't really affect me at all.

I go through the motions of pain - if nothing else, just to pretend I'm still part of this world, that I don't really care to belong to. Even this conversation is just meant for me. I realized long, long ago, that I'm the only one worth talking to. And sometimes, I don't even care to talk to myself.

Those are the times I feel most enlightened. Alas, they don't last long. And I'm back to the same old self-worship. Everbuddy needs some religion, right?

But, my dreams, they aren't as empty- as my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely - My love is vengeance
That's never free.

THIS church, it's a pitiful thang, ain't it? Once grand and vibrating with a thousand angels' decibels, there's nary a whisper of a breeze to whip through the empty pews. And that's the only way I'd ever truly have had it. TRUTH. Thats the only god whose sermons mean a damn thing to ME. Let the truth reveal itself, in time. And maybe it has.

I suppose when I'm wise enough to know for sure, I'll know it. Faith is such a fake ass concept. You don't need faith in anything that you know is true. You don't even consider "faith" in those matters which you are convinced of. Faith is a .99 cent sale. Its a scam, always has been. And as much as I'd like to say I Know for sure, I still am not convinced.

So, I guess I can stand waiting around for a little more truth to come around the bend...

Ooh Child, things are gonna get easier...

BULLSHIT, the young man says.

SHUT THE FUCK UP PUP, the old man says. AT LEAST WHEN YOUR BETTERS ARE IN LISTENING DISTANCE.

Talk shit to yourself/selves... I don't really want to hear anyone's bullshit but my own...

Little black clouds

..following me...

"black clouds hangin over town tonight...
but I don't mind, I don't mind..."

black cloud whispering into my ear-
but I don't hear, I won't hear...

if you're cold I'll tell you its the summer breeze-
one kiss from me, and it'll be alright

What time will you let me down?

...

I'm not down yet.

(brief interlude:
silence broken by the psssshh of a tallboy beer being slowly opened- the sound of a zipper being pulled down, of the first touch of your hand on my thigh, a voice saying "I.." when you know the next words are "love you". It's the sound of a promise- maybe one yet to be fulfilled-but, ah that sound means that release is one step closer...)

Then he lies awake and he wonders-

Why can't that be me?

... cause in his life he's filled with all these good intentions-
he's left a lot of things he'd rather not mention

right now.

If I could be like that, what would I do?

(Sighs envelop you, me, everything.
Introspection only comes when passion has ebbed away. Only after the moment passes me by do I second guess myself. Then I second guess the second guess... and so on, and on. Never one to LIVE in anything but the moment. But, I'll allow myself the guilt of this backwards glance- knowing I can't change anything- KNOWING- in my stubborn asshole self awareness, that I wouldn't change my first reaction If I could any-damn-way.
but, I like to TELL myself I'd have been better if I had just had that second chance)

now the currents only pulling me down...

I used to roll the dice
feel the fear in my enemies eyes-

the minute that I held the key- next the doors closed on me...

... and that was when I ruled the world...

(What the fuck is this second guessing horseshit anyway?! Even I don't believe in it. I've never been one to forgive, but I love to forget. Bring the new dawn and a new day's innocence to lose. I'll allow myself to be reborn as many times as I want...

But recent days bring the revelation that birth- and even re-birth just ain't all that exciting.)

I'm so addicted to-

Nothing, anymore. And I wish, almost, that I was. I've never been one to ask God for anything. I always believed that the only blasphemy was to ask God for anything that is only of use to YOU in this petty existence. But I kinda want to ask God to give me a fix.

A fix that makes me want to live this life.
A fix that makes me love again
A fix that makes me desire another day here, rather than despise it)

Wake up in the morning, get to living my life...
making sure I'm all that I can be....

?

ain't worried about nothing, cept the man I want to be...

(but who in the hell do I want to be, anymore? I've been everyone I ever wanted to be... Not to mention a half dozen bastards I never imagined being...)

And I thought I found it-
couple times even settled down.

and I'd hang around just long enough to find my way back out-

I'd be thankful for the tears...

( only when I was semi-happy again)

Nothing is unattainable. But I only want what I believe I'll never find. And if it happens to drop into my life, no matter how miraculously and heaven sent-

I'd love it, fuck it, own it, and suck it dry- of all that I could- and I'd give it up to chase the next unreachable dream.

It's the quest that matters. Not the Grail itself.
I'd piss in it and toss it to the roadside after I'd drunk it empty. It's the search that matters.

And when you're done searching, you're done.
Two-edged blade that is. Decadence is its own reward, as the infamous one once said.

When you are done searching, you have either found what you were looking for-
or you have tired of jousting windmills. Either way, when its done, you're done. And when you havent found what you're looking for, after all this time- you know you must have been looking for the wrong thing all along.

And, that's alright too.

The answers that come are seldom the ones we thought we were seeking.

Now Dance, Fucker, Dance



Show me how to lie
You're getting better all the time
And turning all against one
is an art thats hard to teach

Another clever word
sets off an unsuspecting herd
And as you step back into line
a mob jumps to their feet

Now dance, fucker, dance
man, he never had a chance
And no one even knew
It was really only you