finished watching Big Fish with the girls and Jet Ski. They are in bed now, me and the Jet are going on a lil bit of a crying drunk. Right now we are trading ominous songs, and drinking skull-shots of beer, chased with Gin and Wodka.
Jesse's Turn: Hank III : Stoned and Alone
Kirk's Turn: The Rev : Loaded Gun
Jess: Chris Rea : Road to Hell
Kirk: Robin Griffin Band : on the floor
Monday, April 2, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Self Consciousness
Been a depressing week. Things are doing well, comparatively. Promotion, raise. That's always good. Girls are doing well. Evan has moved out of his mother's house. (and in with a girlfriend- from one woman's embrace to another, but hey-still a good thing).
Andrew seems happy. That's good. I miss talking to Evan, but what ya gonna do? You can't push your kids. If you do, you only end up pushing them away. It kills me, it really does. I can only offer love and support and wait.
Amy's doing good, Rain's doing good. Amy's got my inner boiling. Rain's got my outer ranting. I get the feeling Amy is mad at me because of her mom, but Jesus-fucking-christ. I bite my tongue as much as I can when it comes to Andrea. I finally defriended her on fb. I had her on my list, mainly so i could monitor her posts and make sure she didn't talk about drugs, or sex, or inappropriate bullshit. But, fuck me, I couldn't hang. I could not deal with her self-absorbed horseshit. It was driving me nuts. The girls are smart. One of these days, they are going to see their moms reality for what it is. I can' t let Andrea rent space in my head any more. Its way too unhealthy.
Gods curse me for an eternal fool, but I get it, now. I love her. The girls love her. So many people have loved her, all these years- only to get burned over and over again. I hate her in the same breath that I love her, but love is so much stronger.
She doesn't call the girls, she doesnt send them birthday presents or christmas presents, but she comes on fb- once or twice a week and tells them she loves them....
And, wow. Parallels upon parallels. What a total mindfuck. She treats the girls like I treat all the women in my life: she ekes out a tiny bit of affection periodically, never what they need, but just enough to keep them clamoring for more.
I try NOT to psychoanalyze myself or the situation too much. But i can't help it. And I wonder how MUCH of this blame is my own. None of it is the girls, but they shoulder the brunt of Andrea's bullshit.
And I, meanwhile, wonder why I'm single. I'd like to blame myself too much at times, and compare myself to her TOO MUCH, and think I'm to blame for never falling in love since ...
But i aint her. If i was, I would have run off just like she did. I wouldnt be here, night after night, paying the bills and taking care of my girls -first- before I ever think of myself.
... I fail at being able to commit anew though. It may be because I am so in love with her. But, i dont think it really is that. I just am tired of having to give up so much of myself in order to be with a woman. Women demand A LOT. I want to find a woman who I make happy- as I am. I dont want to find a woman that I need to change, to mold, to my own ideals. I want to find someone who I love as she is. And who will love me for who i am.
And i'm not going to compromise on that. And if that means I wont ever settle, well, fuck it. I'll live alone. Its not that big of a deal.
Andrew seems happy. That's good. I miss talking to Evan, but what ya gonna do? You can't push your kids. If you do, you only end up pushing them away. It kills me, it really does. I can only offer love and support and wait.
Amy's doing good, Rain's doing good. Amy's got my inner boiling. Rain's got my outer ranting. I get the feeling Amy is mad at me because of her mom, but Jesus-fucking-christ. I bite my tongue as much as I can when it comes to Andrea. I finally defriended her on fb. I had her on my list, mainly so i could monitor her posts and make sure she didn't talk about drugs, or sex, or inappropriate bullshit. But, fuck me, I couldn't hang. I could not deal with her self-absorbed horseshit. It was driving me nuts. The girls are smart. One of these days, they are going to see their moms reality for what it is. I can' t let Andrea rent space in my head any more. Its way too unhealthy.
Gods curse me for an eternal fool, but I get it, now. I love her. The girls love her. So many people have loved her, all these years- only to get burned over and over again. I hate her in the same breath that I love her, but love is so much stronger.
She doesn't call the girls, she doesnt send them birthday presents or christmas presents, but she comes on fb- once or twice a week and tells them she loves them....
And, wow. Parallels upon parallels. What a total mindfuck. She treats the girls like I treat all the women in my life: she ekes out a tiny bit of affection periodically, never what they need, but just enough to keep them clamoring for more.
I try NOT to psychoanalyze myself or the situation too much. But i can't help it. And I wonder how MUCH of this blame is my own. None of it is the girls, but they shoulder the brunt of Andrea's bullshit.
And I, meanwhile, wonder why I'm single. I'd like to blame myself too much at times, and compare myself to her TOO MUCH, and think I'm to blame for never falling in love since ...
But i aint her. If i was, I would have run off just like she did. I wouldnt be here, night after night, paying the bills and taking care of my girls -first- before I ever think of myself.
... I fail at being able to commit anew though. It may be because I am so in love with her. But, i dont think it really is that. I just am tired of having to give up so much of myself in order to be with a woman. Women demand A LOT. I want to find a woman who I make happy- as I am. I dont want to find a woman that I need to change, to mold, to my own ideals. I want to find someone who I love as she is. And who will love me for who i am.
And i'm not going to compromise on that. And if that means I wont ever settle, well, fuck it. I'll live alone. Its not that big of a deal.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Chaos in the time of Jesus
Half of me wants to die, half of me wants to teach, and half of me wants to live
So tell me to stop
Report · 10:52am
the only thing that keeps me going is knowing there ARE people out there like you, who understand something GREATER
Its afucking joke
but one i cant stop telling
Report · 10:53am
We need to try.
Chat Conversation End
Lauren is typing...
I need to feel you.
Report · 10:48am
Hey
Report · 10:48am
the more i feel, the more
the more i feel, the more i hate
this world isnt for the thinkers. it isnt for the feelers
its for the fucking cattle and their self imposed prods
Half of me wants to die, half of me wants to teach, and half of me wants to live
So tell me to stop
Report · 10:52am
the only thing that keeps me going is knowing there ARE people out there like you, who understand something GREATER
Its afucking joke
but one i cant stop telling
Report · 10:53am
We need to try.
You can believe in rhyme, reason, and religion, or you can refute it all. The "winners" are the ones who can justify any evil, in the name of their deity of choice. When you can write off those who "oppose" you it makes it so much easier to wipe them out
God must be a complicated fucker. Because none of this shit makes any sense.
Me: and all of me wants to tell you people to choke on your world full of shit
Me: What the fuck am I supposed to be doing, Ang? Patting myself on the back for "knowing better" in the face of the vile ignorance behind it all?
3 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
Me: And,lo, he shall pull his head back in his turtle shell and remove himself from the world, and remove the world from himself. And we''ll all pretend it isnt some bad dream. Anyone need something from walmart?
So tell me to stop
Report · 10:52am
the only thing that keeps me going is knowing there ARE people out there like you, who understand something GREATER
Its afucking joke
but one i cant stop telling
Report · 10:53am
We need to try.
Chat Conversation End
Lauren is typing...
I need to feel you.
Report · 10:48am
Hey
Report · 10:48am
the more i feel, the more
the more i feel, the more i hate
this world isnt for the thinkers. it isnt for the feelers
its for the fucking cattle and their self imposed prods
Half of me wants to die, half of me wants to teach, and half of me wants to live
So tell me to stop
Report · 10:52am
the only thing that keeps me going is knowing there ARE people out there like you, who understand something GREATER
Its afucking joke
but one i cant stop telling
Report · 10:53am
We need to try.
You can believe in rhyme, reason, and religion, or you can refute it all. The "winners" are the ones who can justify any evil, in the name of their deity of choice. When you can write off those who "oppose" you it makes it so much easier to wipe them out
God must be a complicated fucker. Because none of this shit makes any sense.
Me: and all of me wants to tell you people to choke on your world full of shit
Me: What the fuck am I supposed to be doing, Ang? Patting myself on the back for "knowing better" in the face of the vile ignorance behind it all?
3 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
Me: And,lo, he shall pull his head back in his turtle shell and remove himself from the world, and remove the world from himself. And we''ll all pretend it isnt some bad dream. Anyone need something from walmart?
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Fortune's son
Clutching pride-
the only way i know
Treason inside,
Keep it in? or let it flow?
world, around, i find it...
NOT
Laugh at it all, give it my
Last- shot.
Bear my soul for my "jewels"
Reconcile my path-always dual
Amber, Amethyst, Mercury, and Steel
All define my soul's will.
The sum of All divide by -
Four strange hears- A collective sigh
One for fate. Not always mine
One, too early, but look at him shine-
One too old, before her time-
And one too late, to be your sign.
Two generations, going on twenty
Each one a vital shred-
soul, self, power, ego- a'plenty
...
Not every man's lucky enough to watch their immortality unfold.
Surely, I am fortune's son.
12/8/2004
the only way i know
Treason inside,
Keep it in? or let it flow?
world, around, i find it...
NOT
Laugh at it all, give it my
Last- shot.
Bear my soul for my "jewels"
Reconcile my path-always dual
Amber, Amethyst, Mercury, and Steel
All define my soul's will.
The sum of All divide by -
Four strange hears- A collective sigh
One for fate. Not always mine
One, too early, but look at him shine-
One too old, before her time-
And one too late, to be your sign.
Two generations, going on twenty
Each one a vital shred-
soul, self, power, ego- a'plenty
...
Not every man's lucky enough to watch their immortality unfold.
Surely, I am fortune's son.
12/8/2004
Lost is good
My life has been one un-ending series of love affairs.
One after another.
I'm in love with the world.
-too bad I hate it
I'm always in love with somebody, something. some philosophy, some car, some song, some poem, some MOMENT.
Keeps me moving along.
"Tales from Never-Never Land:stories of a man who lost in love and lived.
12-15-11
"It's when I lose myself in what I imagine are other people's expectations of what I should be-or should have become- that I bring myself down."
for the mercury in my life
One after another.
I'm in love with the world.
-too bad I hate it
I'm always in love with somebody, something. some philosophy, some car, some song, some poem, some MOMENT.
Keeps me moving along.
"Tales from Never-Never Land:stories of a man who lost in love and lived.
12-15-11
"It's when I lose myself in what I imagine are other people's expectations of what I should be-or should have become- that I bring myself down."
for the mercury in my life
Confessions of a self-hating pimp
looks like i've reverted back to my old ways....
And i was being such a good boy...
Well, hell.
It comes back, easy, to be honest. I am searching for this "moral high ground" but that place just doesnt exist. I maintained an asexual existence for the past- whatever-the-hell-it-was... and what did it matter?
I suddenly decide to need again, and I fall back into it. And its good. Damn. Its more than good. Its fucking pretty well excellent. Giving love always at least as much as i get it.
What can i say? I love to please. And, apparently, I haven't forgotten how :P
Been a lovely couple of weeks. and I want to fall in love. But that whole "Falling " thing isnt really part of my plans.
I can barely let go of myself.
I try.
Gods know, i do.
And they all make me feel like a god. And , i know i do my damndest to make them feel like my one and only goddess- if only for a night.
And so, here I am , stuck in limbo:
I'm the best man you could ever hope for- for about a three hour period of love,lust, and romance.
I give you everything; I surrender it all, i throw my heart to the wind
And ... in that quiet moment, afterwards. you realize... it wasnt YOU. and all that euphoria turns to resentment. And I cant help you with that.
Take it while you can get it. Embrace it. Suck it dry. and move on.
And i was being such a good boy...
Well, hell.
It comes back, easy, to be honest. I am searching for this "moral high ground" but that place just doesnt exist. I maintained an asexual existence for the past- whatever-the-hell-it-was... and what did it matter?
I suddenly decide to need again, and I fall back into it. And its good. Damn. Its more than good. Its fucking pretty well excellent. Giving love always at least as much as i get it.
What can i say? I love to please. And, apparently, I haven't forgotten how :P
Been a lovely couple of weeks. and I want to fall in love. But that whole "Falling " thing isnt really part of my plans.
I can barely let go of myself.
I try.
Gods know, i do.
And they all make me feel like a god. And , i know i do my damndest to make them feel like my one and only goddess- if only for a night.
And so, here I am , stuck in limbo:
I'm the best man you could ever hope for- for about a three hour period of love,lust, and romance.
I give you everything; I surrender it all, i throw my heart to the wind
And ... in that quiet moment, afterwards. you realize... it wasnt YOU. and all that euphoria turns to resentment. And I cant help you with that.
Take it while you can get it. Embrace it. Suck it dry. and move on.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
K.I.S.S.
Keep It Simple, Shithead-
Things looking up lately. The whole dating thang, not so much, really. But it is probably why I don't date much anyway- I probably don't want the constant companionship.
Nice girls. Nice feelings. Nice dates.
Nice just don't cut it, for me. That way lies complacency and disinterest. I just haven't met anyone who really has that gravitational pull- the woman who draws me into her orbit and I can't just walk away from. I'll find her.
It make take blasting through a few solar systems though...
But everything else is going good. The job- couldn't be better. Accolades, challenges, rewards. Definitely keeps me interested. The kids- we are definitely coming into the teen years. But, I rule with a firm, yet fair hand. Theres some mutual respect going on. We ALL know what we should be doing, and when we aren't doing it.
Sometimes, I think, that around this Podunk town- where I normally would be ostracized- that my kids are what garner me the most respect. They'd love to label me the way they want... But, all they have is their own clueless misconceptions. And they see how good both my daughters are, and scratch their heads, and kind of have to tilt their heads sideways a bit when they look at me, as if to wrap their heads around this heathen beer swilling metalhead man who doesnt go to any of their churches, being a better dad than most of them.
I'd love to say half the reason I do it is just to drive the villagers crazy, but its just me. I'm a good dad. Who the fuck expected THAT?
Money= even that is doing better. I'm still working on the inner psychology of my perpetual wanton misuse of finances. It's like I don't want to have money because I fear it will corrupt me the way it did my dad. I guess that's the heart of it= that, and my mother was always so much happier than Dad, poor as she always was... Is this some inner tithe I pay at Her altar? Respect for her way, the indian way I sometimes don't even think she realized she embraced subconsciously, while I simultaneously disrespect the white, christian man's Real God - Money?
Hammer, meet Nailhead.
I still live in my own little world. I work it, churn it, twist it, and mold it to fit MY way. And it does work out most of the time. I'll admit, its a lot of work to fight it that way- but Its damn sure worth it, in the end.
Listening to old shit while I muse... not too old tho, Whitey Ford heh. "God forbid you ever have to walk a mile in his shoes, cause then you might really know what its like to have to lose"
It's my world baby- you're just dying in it! And, meanwhile, I'm dying in yours. Odd, how that whole bigger picture works.
Life is good. This minute. Stay tuned, I'll let you know how the next decade ends up
Things looking up lately. The whole dating thang, not so much, really. But it is probably why I don't date much anyway- I probably don't want the constant companionship.
Nice girls. Nice feelings. Nice dates.
Nice just don't cut it, for me. That way lies complacency and disinterest. I just haven't met anyone who really has that gravitational pull- the woman who draws me into her orbit and I can't just walk away from. I'll find her.
It make take blasting through a few solar systems though...
But everything else is going good. The job- couldn't be better. Accolades, challenges, rewards. Definitely keeps me interested. The kids- we are definitely coming into the teen years. But, I rule with a firm, yet fair hand. Theres some mutual respect going on. We ALL know what we should be doing, and when we aren't doing it.
Sometimes, I think, that around this Podunk town- where I normally would be ostracized- that my kids are what garner me the most respect. They'd love to label me the way they want... But, all they have is their own clueless misconceptions. And they see how good both my daughters are, and scratch their heads, and kind of have to tilt their heads sideways a bit when they look at me, as if to wrap their heads around this heathen beer swilling metalhead man who doesnt go to any of their churches, being a better dad than most of them.
I'd love to say half the reason I do it is just to drive the villagers crazy, but its just me. I'm a good dad. Who the fuck expected THAT?
Money= even that is doing better. I'm still working on the inner psychology of my perpetual wanton misuse of finances. It's like I don't want to have money because I fear it will corrupt me the way it did my dad. I guess that's the heart of it= that, and my mother was always so much happier than Dad, poor as she always was... Is this some inner tithe I pay at Her altar? Respect for her way, the indian way I sometimes don't even think she realized she embraced subconsciously, while I simultaneously disrespect the white, christian man's Real God - Money?
Hammer, meet Nailhead.
I still live in my own little world. I work it, churn it, twist it, and mold it to fit MY way. And it does work out most of the time. I'll admit, its a lot of work to fight it that way- but Its damn sure worth it, in the end.
Listening to old shit while I muse... not too old tho, Whitey Ford heh. "God forbid you ever have to walk a mile in his shoes, cause then you might really know what its like to have to lose"
It's my world baby- you're just dying in it! And, meanwhile, I'm dying in yours. Odd, how that whole bigger picture works.
Life is good. This minute. Stay tuned, I'll let you know how the next decade ends up
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