Lost on Purpose

Lost on Purpose

Ambivalent Gods
Legends of our own Lament
Always seeking Loss

 

-Fade 

Damn, when I was feeding off the media frenzy about Amy Winehouse, I was just taking in what they gave me about her- What a freak, what a fuckup...

 

And the more I listen to her music, the more I now understand what an absolute loss it was to the world to let her be discarded the way we allowed her to be...

 

It's okay in the day, I'm staying busy
Tied up enough so I don't have to wonder where is he
Got so sick of crying, so just lately
When I catch myself I do a 180

 

I stay up, clean the house, at least I'm not drinking
Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking
That silent sense of content that everyone gets
Just disappears soon as the sun sets

 

This face in my dreams seizes my guts
He floods me with dread
Soaked in soul, he swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him, moon spilling in

 And I wake up alone

 

If I was my heart I'd rather be restless
Second I stop the sleep catches up and I'm breathless
As this ache in my chest, as my day is done now
The dark covers me and I cannot run now

 

My blood running cold, I stand before him
It's all I can do to assure him
When he comes to me, I drip for him tonight
Drowned in me, we bathe under blue light

 

His face in my dreams seizes my guts
He floods me with dread
Soaked in soul, he swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him, moon spilling in

And I wake up alone

 

And I wake up alone

And I wake up alone

And I wake up alone

Read more: Amy Winehouse - Wake Up Alone Lyrics | MetroLyrics

The Drowned Girl

The Drowned Girl
Drowned by the moonlight
embrace the tides that kill pride
Love-a liquid grave

Fade, 10/9/13

Beauty, like Art, is where you find it. Or- Where you pull it from the Nether. "Finding" it suggests a lack of effort, unfortunately- But- Like all worthy endeavors- Pulling art from the Nether- is a labor- whose reward is endless.

You love me, for my endless audacity in never failing to attempt to pull it forth. And I love you- for your endless appreciation for the effort of the art itself. AND- even more so for your endless comprehension. You are amongst a handful of worthies among my FB friends. I won't stoop to tagging them. They Know who they are.

Learning to Love, for beginners

Krystal:‎ I don't love you. Just need some support right now from a friend that knows me really well. Sorry if you can't handle that

Me:‎ its all good

 

Krystal:‎ K,

i'm sorry but I felt you deserve my honesty

Me:‎ . Your honesty is a depressing thing...for You.

I hope you can find love and joy in the future. I feel like you have none-  I want you to understand that love isn't some curse

but i'm older, and you're young and in pain. I remember that feeling

 

Truth is, nowadays i'm pretty happy. And I do love you- and the fact that you may not understand that doesn't diminish it, or make it less.

 

it doesn't hurt me. I DO Love. I love you, I love my kids, and I love myself.

 

I love freely and I love often. It keeps me sane. I hope you get there

But if you WANT friends- REAL friends- you will have to start loving. something. anything.

 

otherwise you'll just be an empty shell. I love the craziness you bring to my days- the absolute drama, the soap opera silliness of it all. You do make me feel for you- you make me want to save you- then, as I am drawing you out of the darkness, one handhold at a time- you throw yourself willingly back into the pit

 

been there, done that.

 

And so I know, the ONLY one that can save you - is yourself.

 

One day, you will look back and you will realize- "What the fuck do you know?! That crazy bastard DID love me!" And really, I don't want any prizes for that-= I just want you to understand that love is easier than you make it out to be.

 

You CAN love someone and it doesn't have to be the end of the world.There doesn't even have to be any RULES to it.

 

Turn your phone off. disconnect. do something for that new guy to show him who you are, instead of gaming for position in the cutthroat world of who is controlling who.

 

You may even learn to love yourself, hun.

Conversations: Self Absorbtion, part 215

K

Whiskey in the morning love, going to be a grand fine day :).I love you

 

L

I love you too. You like Patty?

 

K

very nice. Lil took Twist to Arizona…seeing Evan and Andrew

 

L

I usually cry at that song

 

K

I was so pissed at first- and then I realized I was just feeling jealous and guilty- she's doing what I should be. I am such an absolute failure at times. I put in the day to day efforts, but never the big ones

 

L

You're human.

 

K

I don't want to be - I pretend to be larger than life= Sometimes, i even AM. The only thing larger than my self righteousness is my hypocrisy. God, I boil, in this head of mine

 

L

That's what I'm here for.

 

K

I Know. And I'd say that is why i love you, but that's a selfish reason. I love you for so much more than that, anyway, but in the low tides, I do appreciate you knowing who i am

i am in many ways a hermit, even in this town

 

L

I fully accept you for the shithead you are.

 

K

sometimes i'll see someone looking at me with Pity. Jesus fucking Christ.

i'm pitied. I'd rather be hated

 

L

They don't know you.

 

K

maybe they do- maybe i am a fool for not finding love where it is

Not bringing you here

 

L

And why do you care what they think?

 

K

not giving, not freeing myself. I don't, but a man has to reflect. Only a fool ignores his surroundings. The day you stop learning is the day you die

L

You are a fool. But you wouldn't be you if you did anything differently.

 

K

if i knew it all, i'd be happy. And i'm not. damn= maybe I've become a caricature of the wounded drunken artist that I've emulated all these years

 

L

If you knew it all, there'd only be a different reason you're not happy.

Art imitates life?

 

K

Life imitates art, i am afraid

Me, spiting appearances, only to mold myself into a cookie cutter image anyway

AND THAT is the absolute shittiest thing I've ever realized.

about myself

Fuck- I AM that predictable, in my own unpredictability.

ouch.

 

L

I knew that.

 

K

i guess, that i didn’t. dammit. I don't want to be afuckin joke. Especially when i'm not the one laughing

 

L

Nobody said you were a joke.

Don't go there Kirk.

Is punishing yourself going to make you feel better, or change anything?

 

K

The point is, To LEARN.

 

L

So what's the lesson?

 

K

Must it be so focused? I suppose the lesson is to NOT make your life a joke, to not be pitied, to Love and be loved. and i know that's foolish- for every one person that loves what you do, another will equally hate it

 

L

I think, to love and be loved... Is pretty much the essence of the soul.

 

K

The Lesson, THIS lesson- is NOT to be predictable. Or is it? I am investing too much into other's perceptions of who I am. The most unpredictable person is the fool who does not know themselves.

 

L

You can't take into account others hearts. Worry about your own. The rest will follow.

 

K

I Know myself. This i do.

 

L

When are you gonna forgive yourself?

Let love in.

 

K

I'm trying.

There's a lot of surrender involved, and most of me is ME because i never Surrender

L

But if your surrendering to something better, isn't it worth it?

 

K

Now, there's where it gets complicated. I surrender today, and tomorrow, she realizes it wasn't something better. Or I do. And then all this big heart of mine or hers- proves itself as hollow. The thing is, you don't know until you TRY. And most of the time, its me- and it hurts just the same- because I wanted it to be that true love- and it wasn't, and now I have to be the dick- and i have to break HER heart because I don't settle for less. and when its her, that has to be the dick- to whom I don't meet their expectations in the end- I know how she feels- but I'm still lost in love- because she met all mine- and its a crushing, crushing thing to love someone absolutely and know they are discarding you for something so abstract as "expectations"

 

L

Why does it have to be so conditional?

K

why does fire burn?

 

L

I don't do expectations. And not being with someone doesn't mean you love them less. I love Rusty, I love Jason, but I don't want to be with them. It doesn't have to hurt.

Failure isn't bad. It just is. Take love for what it is, and be grateful.

I love you.

 

K

and I you

transcribing this all, btw

we always have really good conversations

 

L

Good, you need to write.

We have honest conversation.

 

K

brutally so, sometimes, brutal and beautiful

 

 

K:
If all that you fight for in your life is yourself, then you are as nothing.

M: 
There's a verse in the Bible-- No, wait! I'm not preaching! Forget I said that word!-- that says something like he who tries to hang on to his life will lose it, but he who lays it down will gain. I always think of it in terms of parenting (Sorry, Jesus!). Those who try to have a "life" at the expense of their kids loses. Those who lay down their lives for their kids are the ones who truly gain/live.

K:
This is why I will always love you, M.

I wasn't thinking of kids, more of causes, but its a good analogy (Thank you Jesus)- To be a Parent - be it of a cause or of a child- is to take responsibility-it is to take a Stand- it is to put yourself between those in need and the storm. If all you are protecting is your own small little world- then you don't stand for much at all. Stand for more than yourself, stand for MORE than your OWN children-

Stand for Everyone's.

Shock me

Blind me with the bright light of your ambivalence,
Smother me with your airy sense of discord
Drown me in your tears of self interest
Crush me with the weight of your Martyrdom-

Shock me by caring about someone other than yourself-

Religion is what reminds you to keep on living

Religion is what speaks to your heart. This envelops my heart,reverbates around it, rejuvenates it and reminds me that its okay to live.


Wake up, son of mine...

Momma got something to tell you

Changes come

Life will have it's way
With your pride, son
Take it like a man

Suck it up, son of mine
There's things on your horizon
Changes come
Keep your dignity
Take the high road
Take it like a man

Listen up, son of mine
Momma got something to tell you
All our growing pains
Life will pound away
Where the light don't shine, son
Take it like a man

Suck it up, son of mine
Storms on your horizon
Changes come
Keep your dignity
Take the high road
Take it like a man

Momma said, like the rain
like a kidney stone
its just a broken heart, son
this pain will pass away

this pain will pass away

this, too will pass away

this pain will pass away

Heal

Gotta keep telling myself, that for all the hundreds of actions I regret, that there are thousands of actions that I'm proud of...

I know I'm a good man..

Don't I ?

Fuck.

How do you outweigh the pain, the guilt of one evil act?

How many times do you have to make up for pain that you have caused?

And...

Do you?

Can you, ever?

The Haunting is fitting, deserving.

No God to judge- No heavenly gates to pass-

Just hope that some whose paths you crossed, were blessed for that crossing. You cannot "tip the scales" against your misdeeds.  But, you can heal as good as ever you hated.

Don't do it to save your soul- Do it to save theirs-

Love Thine Enemy- for your own sake

Damn... reading about some despicable doings- 

Whatever "side" you find yourself on- DON'T let yourself become part of the problem. If you are a christian- Put what is right before your politics. If you are atheist- do the same. Don't become a part of the problem- It's easy to take the humanity away from your enemies, and, in doing so- allow yourself the ability to commit atrocity.

 Love thine enemy- and you kill the atrocity before it is borne- and before you allow yourself to justify committing it. If we can all do this- we might just save the world. It's a lot easier to hate than it is to love. I might just find a lot more to love about Jesus- IF i could find more christians who understood what the fuck he was talking about

Finding her heart

Conversation:

Me: Today my failures are starker. I kneel down before a fate I know that I have brought upon myself and I want easy ways out.
Please- save me...

Her:

Me: Just another day of taking care of everyone but myself. I will be so glad when the girls are out of the house and i can breathe my own air,

Her:

Me: God, I am close to tears, and I never cry. I wish you were here, my fantasy made flesh, just to hold you for a brief moment and fall into my own heart wrapped up around you- giving you my everything for even just a moment.

Her:

Me: You know, i don't give a damn how you interpret it, or even if you believe it- I love you. Its just as strong now as it ever was. And i'm even sorry for telling you this.

Her:

Me: You are you- I am not in love with your figure or your attitude- I'm in lovew with the way you've looked at me, the way your body shudders when i kiss u like you don't even trust yourself with me.I love your sadness and your neediness and i love your confidence and your smile- the one that makes my heart burn itself down inside just to see it.

Riverbend Returns

http://riverbendblog.blogspot.com/2013_04_01_archive.html#3554538807908354245%233554538807908354245

Riverbend Returns

Unquick Fixes

...When you can't identify the evil in your own heart, you are well and truly fucked. It's easy to point out what's wrong with the world. Find whats wrong with YOU- and thats the only way you'll ever make the world a better place.

All these women love me-
...

that's what they tell me! they do!

...

not sure where they are when i need them..?

They'll be around- They love me- why wouldn't hey come looking?


I have the ones I love, i have the ones that love ME- very seldom have i met anyone who i Love who loves me bck?

Autism Discussion

K: Is Everyone just more self-aware, or ultrasensitive to it now? Is Autism the new ADHD? My son is a difficult boy, He's been kicked out of daycare for his "issues". And maybe i'm totally wrong here- but i dont want to throw a label on him like its a fucking crutch. He's four, and he reads at a 2nd grade level. I know 8 year olds that know less math than he does.

He's difficult. I was difficult (and probably still am). I know he's my precious offspring- but he'll be alright. He'll live thru this, and I will do my job as his dad and help him make it thru. And he doesnt need special treatment. he doesnt need a cheering group of apologists to explain why he's difficult. He NEEDS difficulty. We all do.

My biggest worry is that his mother, in all her infinite wisdom- will shelter him too much in light of his "diagnosis" and thus stunt him. My greatest achievements have always been in despite of what those around me said i'd never be able to do. Giving people easy outs and easy excuses ARENT giving them favors. Let him struggle. Please give ALL my kids trials and tribulations and TESTS that make them fight to survive on their own merits.

What the hell use is anyone who can't stand against the storms?

N: At the same time, having modifications done in the way he is taught to accommodate for difficulties he is struggling with can make the difference between success and pure frustration.

K: He's in a special school right to help accomodate him. I think these extra efforts may make things easier for him in the now (and honestly-easier for the adults around him to handle him) but- the special treatment also prevents him from learning the harsh reality of just dealing with other kids. Kids can be cruel. Kids can be great too. But he'll never get that dose of reality in the bubble of protection he's stuck in- and make no mistake- its teachers and daycare folks that gave him this label- He didnt fit in with the others- and he caused them an extra headache cuz he's rowdy, cuz he's withdrawn at times, because our society has to stamp a label on everyone who doesnt fit the cookie cutter mold. And so, for these "experts" my son got the autism label. Because he's not like the other kids- Except- Ooops! Now 1 out of 5 kids is "autistic" too- cuz they arent the expectation, but they are a growing number.

N: Having accommodations made now will not prevent him from learning how to cope, it will help him manage and prosper in school as he matures and develops coping mechanisms to learn in a system that isn't necessarily designed for how he learns. Feel strongly that addressing issues is how you ensure your child's success, not just pretending there is no problem or they just need to buck up, be disciplined harder, etc.

K: Is it societal and social evolution? Are more kids this way because of the drastically changed environment they are raised in"? Are the levels of "Autism" increased in other environments/cultures- or just the ones in industrially advanced nations?

N: Think it is probably occurring more because of environmental factors and probably also just recognized more now than it was 20 years ago as society and medicine have advanced.
PS, you post about how he reads at 2nd grade level, I think you are looking at diagnosis wrong. Kids with autism are very intelligent, often have very high iqs, just respond to stimulation and learn differently. Not something that needs to be looked at as a problem or negative, just something you need to accommodate for so that he can be happy and have a good experience in school.

K: I understand there are Autistic kids out there- kids with real issues- but the autism label is ballooning to cover every problem there is- and way too many overprotective moms are willingly pushing their kids into that bubble. Like my ex. Tristan is a rowdy boy. He's got no disabilities, but he's withdrawn around children- he gravitates towards adults. He is "dysfunctional" around kids, according to the powers-that-be- which happen to be loser ass daycare providers.

N: There are different levels of autism, he may be borderline and some sensory therapies and adjustments in his curriculum such as more/different structure, transitions between activities, etc could make a huge difference in his behavior and school experience.

K: Now, we can milk that dysfunction, and accentuate it and emphasize it- or we can minimize it and allow him to get out there and deal with it by experiencing it. Every parent sees it with their kids- at the playground, your kid first gets there and is a wallflower, and you can either walk over there and hold his hand and baby him- or you can leave him alone- and walk a few feet away- and let him acclimate himself to the situation... and shortly ... guess what- he'll be playing with those kids he was very standoffish with a few minutes ago

N: Ok, I'm just going to agree to disagree with you on this one. ;)

K: Forcing Tristan into the bubble of Autism fits an overprotective agenda perfectly. Me, I dont know much- but I know i put my kids before me in every situation, no matter what. And I know, deep inside, that I am failing my son when I allow him to be stuck in that same bubble

N:  I'm going to say one thing and drop it, educators and drs don't just get a kick out of diagnosing a child with autism and do it without very thorough testing and observation. Diagnosis usually involves interviewing parents, teachers, family, reviewing childs history, testing and observing child, etc. It is not a diagnosis that is just thrown around and randomly applied.

TW: I hope that does not happen, coddling a child normally has negative results.... coping skills are learned, maybe drugging our children is the problem, especially when they do not have the opportunity to learn the skills they need to handle life....

LW: Kirk, you know what I've been thru with Rj. The boys are alot alike. I'm grateful for the early intervention. The speech has improved so much. And his OT has given him appropriate outlets for his energy and sensory issues. And it's not a matter of holding him back. It's about giving him the proper tools to succeed, and giving me the insight, confidence, and techniques to help him. I don't shy from challenges or hardships, or from the real world. He's in a integrated preschool class with " regular" students. And it's been great for him. He's learning what every 4 yo should be. Letters and numbers and sharing and how to sit for story time. He can't ride a tricycle, but he can give you a half hour lecture on termites. He can't hold still, but he can tell all about pandas, where they live and what they eat. He won't look at you, but he will shower you with tight hugs and snobbery kisses. He is who he is. He's not a diagnosis, or a set of issues. He's my son and we do what we have to to get thru each day.Don't blame the diagnosis, just the way it's being handled.I never followed thru with genetic testing, or much of anything as far as testing, because I don't CARE why. He's Rj. He's awesome. It is what it is and I love him the same no matter what.

A: Nikki I know that this may not come as a shock to you that I am siding with the one person in my life I can call reliable, but I am. I can relate to Tristan's situation, because I am living a very similar life and I can tell you for a fact that there is nothing worse than being brought up knowing and being perceived as something being wrong with you. There is no greater crutch than this. It is very likely that Tristan will retreat into this crutch due to outside influence beyond his understanding, until of course it becomes trivial past in which he will hopefully except it for what it is and move on. I can tell you this though, there is one saving grace and it is Kirk Berryhill while he has his many flaws, one of the greatest things he does is raise his children with the wisdom to tell the bullshit from the truth, and give them the strength to put that bullshit in its rightful place. Tristan's life WILL be filled with obstacles and I believe its a parents job NOT to be one of them, even if it means a little tough love.

K: Mothers Nurture to protect, Fathers strenghten and toughen to protect. Being the only parent that my girls have access to, I try to struggle to find the right balance for them. I'm still tough but fair. With my boys, all of them- I was/am harder. They have their mothers for the nurturing unlike the girls. I am a little harsher to them to build that thicker skin. I try to teach discipline with reason, not service to rules for their own sake. I prefer them a little chaotic, artsy, thoughtful and rebellious. Don't disrespect me and I'll never disrespect you is a very basic lesson in my home. Disrespect others and you better be damn well prepared to reap what you sow if you do. Twenty years ago, it was ADD, now i see all the same problems labeled as Autism. I know how to raise my kids. Neither Andrew nor Tristan has any disabilities in my eyes- each of my children has their own difficulties, all of them have their perfections as well. You work with what they arent good at- until they are good at it- if its something important to their development or their future. I guess people can label their own kids, if they must, but I'm not going to label mine.