Lead by Example

Leading by example is not only the best way to live, it is the ONLY way to live.

Our lives are full of those who do things by half measures. Go above and beyond- if for nothing else just so no one can ever consider you as one who fell behind. Pride may be a sin, but then, I've always been a sinner...

I have no illusions. I hope that the ones I love (and you know who you are) learn from my victories. But I hope to hell they learn more from my mistakes. I can only try and learn from them too and try not to compromise too much.

I have always thought I knew everything, but the older I get, the more I know I never realized. Lead when you can, as much as you can- when you KNOW you are doing the right things. You will do the wrong things plenty of times, but it's not a mystery when you do what you know you are supposed to do...

Work Battle Poetry

And lo, fields of invoice lay before us, fresh and ready to be bloodied
Our resolve firm, our backs straight, we waded into the fray
Never dismay'd, tho as we battled our souls were tested and our hearts muddied
We kicked it up another notch with our batlle cry- "Bitch, its Friday!"

Two faces, One shit eatin grin...

Contradictions, Always contradictions... I am most proud of two things: that I always rebelled, to the jagged cliff of self destruction- but never bent, never conformed to the desires of others= And, that I have become the most responsible father (albeit in my own special form) that I have ever known.

I am the sanest AND the craziest person I know. It just depends on who you run into that day- Me and my kids, or me and my demons.And you know what- Its this whole duality that I love the most about my life.

I know how far I can go, each and every day. And I know how far I do go, each day, to be who I absolutely have to be to take care of my kids the way they deserve- in spite of all the shit that their mother has laid at their feet.

It would be easy to half-ass it, to do less because, honestly, I wouldn't have to do much, to be ahead of her as best parent. But I don't have to JUST beat her. I have to beat my Dad, my Dads- the abusive adoptive Dad, the abandoning birth father, and even my self-pitying step dad, whom I love, but who is wallowing in his own pain to the detriment of his own children's lives.

I have to be better than them all. Better than my brothers, better than my friends. Better than the fathers of the kids at school.

Then- and only then, can I indulge my own whims.

Then I can eke out a little living for myself- I can wallow in my own self-pity a bit, or I can embrace my anger and explode gloriously, or I can lose myself in the arms of a woman or maybe two.

I have to find myself to allow myself to get lost in myself.

And as much as I'd like= NO, I'd LOVE to lose myself Forever, I have to bring myself back to consciousness and conscientiousness and shake off the self-induced stupor. I slap myself awake and shapeshift back into Dad, that boring, quiet workaholic and i get up and do it all over again.

And honestly, I don't like one me over the other. One is just soooo much easier. But, he's just not that nice of a guy. I can respect both of them, though.

And when I can't any longer, I guess this game will be over.

For the scapegoats

When asked for a blessing on the way to his execution:

Morant: "No thank you, I'm a pagan."

Chaplain: "And you?"

Peter: "What's a pagan?"

Morant: "Er, it's somebody who doesn't believe there is a divine being dispensing justice to mankind."

Peter,to Chaplain: "I'm a pagan too..."

Morant: "There is an epitath, I'd like, Matthew 10:36"

...

"And a man's foes shall be that of his own household."

Opening Eyes

She makes me Want to see things the way I never have been able to...

The glory of losing your love

The greatest lie implied in the phrase "I love you" is the promise that Love is always eternal. It is, in fact, not. I have loved many times in my life. Many women have been in love with me. Do they love me now, or I- them?

Maybe on some basic level, deep inside me, the memory of that love. But not like we were in that moment. The intensity of that love has faded. Does this demean those loves as somehow less, or not "real" love? Not in my experience. Love almost killed me three times. In the moment, each time it was more important than anything else, even my life. I loved with all my heart - so deeply that I am even afraid of feeling that much love again.

To expect every love you feel, no matter how deeply, to last forever is the grandest of self deceits.

Enjoy your loves while they last. Nurture them and believe in them and they will grow. But don't cast aside love that is freely given to you simply because you suspect that it may not be perfect. Don't walk away from love because you can see that it won't last forever.

One of these days you may find yourself alone and without love at all- and you will wish you had embraced a few more brief moments of love, however imperfect. You will wish you would have let yourself be loved without reservations just to have those moments in time.

Did my loves last forever? No. Does my love, remembered, live on in my heart? Definitely. Would my live have been better without these fleeting loves?

No. A thousand times No. It would be like a life without dreams. My life would be shallow indeed without the glory and the memory of those lost loves.

Kirk 11/17/2010

Conversations: Falling out of the clouds

Kirk:
i made "My legal advice to you is : Don't have no mo children" my fb post of the day lol

Her:
hahaha

Kirk:
... I know it isnt meant to be, nothing ever is, it seems.... but i'd drop everything and do it- I'd open myself up and lose myself in it- for as long as i could...
- just saying.... life is but a dream and I'll take the clouds thank you..

Her:
2 Many Hoes
thats my response

Kirk:
lol send me the lyrics to that Kanye song we were listening to ...
everyone needs a few extra admirers. It does wonders for our self esteem, you know

Her:
want me to e-mail it?
the lyrics
Kirk:
yes please

And I always find, yeah, I always find somethin’ wrong
You been puttin’ up wit’ my shit just way too long
I’m so gifted at findin’ what I don’t like the most
So I think it’s time for us to have a toast
Let’s have a toast for the douchebags!
Let’s have a toast for the assholes!
Let’s have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know
Let’s have a toast for the jerkoffs
That’ll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can
She find pictures in my email
I sent this bitch a picture of my dick
I don’t know what it is with females
But I’m not too good at that shit
See, I could have me a good girl
And still be addicted to them hoodrats
And I just blame everything on you
At least you know that’s what I’m good at
And I always find
Yeah, I always find
Yeah, I always find somethin’ wrong
You been puttin’ up wit’ my shit just way too long
I’m so gifted at findin’ what I don’t like the most
So I think it’s time for us to have a toast
Let’s have a toast for the douchebags!
Let’s have a toast for the assholes!
Let’s have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know
Let’s have a toast to the jerkoffs
That’ll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can
Run away from me, baby
Run away
Run away from me, baby
Run away
Never thought it would get crazy
Just run away
Baby, I got a plan
Run away as fast as you can
Run away from me, baby
Run away
Run away from me, baby
Never thought it would get crazy
Why can’t she just run away?
Baby, I got a plan
Run away as fast as you can

Never was much of a romantic
I could never take the intimacy
And I know it did damage
‘Cause the look in your eyes is killin’ me
I’m guessin’ you’re at an advantage
‘Cause you could blame me for everything
And I don’t know how I’ma manage
If one day you just up and leave
And I always find
Yeah, I always find somethin’ wrong
You been puttin’ up with my shit just way too long
I’m so gifted at findin’ what I don’t like the most
So I think it’s time for us to have a toast
Let’s have a toast for the douchebags!
Let’s have a toast for the assholes!
Let’s have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know
Let’s have a toast to the jerkoffs
That’ll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can

Kirk:
and how is my outlook for seeing our horoscopes today?
i wonder on the "on" days if there is some kind of planetary attraction affecting us...

Her:
probably... here's mine:
"You feel totally detached from an emotional situation. Displays of anger or sorrow usually affect you this way."

Kirk:
what was mine

Her:
yours...
is interesting
"Your emotional energy runs high today, as long as you feed it with interesting experiences and interactions. If not, you could be feeling restless. Routine tasks will not satisfy you now. You might also find yourself attempting to attach meaning to what you do or to your life today, as a higher purpose is something you're seeking now. Overall, you're in a friendly, curious mood."

Kirk:
w o w

Her:
Then it says - Its a good day for romantic and creative matters

Kirk:
hammer, meet nailhead
that is just crazy, spooky - exactly how i feel today - every bit of it...

Her:
i know
It says that the moon is in my sign today - whatever that means - it is an Aquarius moon... ? i dont understand all of this stuff, but i think i'm going to try to - so far its been pretttty accurate

Kirk:
aight, so i'm talkative and wistful and in the clouds, so i may continue being all sigh-y

Her:
thats fine by me

Kirk:
hmmm well... the boy wishes he could be everything the girl wanted and that she could be everything he wanted. But he knows that fairy tale stuff and she knows it too... But in the clouds everything is perfect and bright and smells nice and there are no worries
in the clouds, you can fall anyway you want, but never down

Her:
thats where i need to be

Kirk:
its where all the cool people hang out
i guess
i get so intoxicated from those little moments
thats how i KNOW
what lurks in my heart, thats how i know its TRUTH
but i dont know how to deal with it or accept it or even how to hold it.
If I pull it too close, i'm afraid it will burn me
but when i hold it at arm's length, i can't have those perfect kisses
and i so want them

Her:
we should probably try to figure this out someday...
if it doesnt kill us first

Kirk:
can we share a room in hell?
that might be too much for you, even in hell... lol
oblivion is always what i desired, but it really would be hell to no longer know the temptation of her touches and to feel the burn of her gaze on me

Her:
haha, yes, im thinkin it would be too much for me

Kirk:
our common problem is that we dont want too much of any one person

Her:
you're right

Kirk:
but is it that we want More than one person can give, or that we just cant stand the thought of just one person alone for the rest of our lives?

Her:
i know for me...i know that im way too demanding - nothing is ever good enough for me and im never satisfied because of it
i know that for sure - i know thats my problem

Kirk:
thats mine as well
i make things hard, on purpose
i want you because i know you'd never truly want me forever
and that makes it easier
does that make any kind of sense at all ?
i realize that that is sad and twisted and a mockery of what i DO feel deep inside
i dont trust you, because i dont trust myself
and so I trust absolutely nothing except impermanence

Her:
that makes perfect sense

Kirk:
it is completely disheartening to me because I know its just because deep down I am scared of the rejection that i feel is inevitable
but, theres a wall in between that love anyway
so, as always i get ahead of myself anyway
and project ultimate desires on a situation where there is little risk of having to worry about real commitment or real rejection

Her:
this...is complicated isnt it?

Kirk:
people like me and you can't have anything simple
simple = ignorant, in our convoluted, tortured, pain-scarred minds

Her:
ughhhh my mind is so clouded
i guess it just shuts down
i cant function, i cant think of what to say...its like i just...freeze

Kirk:
Well according to your horoscope, you are at the opposite end of the spectrum from me today...
sucks... wish we could have same horoscope today

Her:
some things just weren't meant to be

Kirk:
aaaaagh
thats me, falling out of the clouds
picks self up, dusts clothes off... Looks up at you, sitting on a dark cloud above, waving down mischieviously and says : "I wish you wouldn't do that"

Her:
i hate this

Kirk:
its kind of fun for me, in an oddly masochistic way
think about it- you are paying me back for my many sins against womankind
and i'm like a half-boyscout, half-devil...chasing the Angel who won't stop flying in circles

Her:
im not sure about that, but someone needs to...
its not very fun for me - of course i guess thats just me being the 'eternal pessimist' that i am

Kirk:
surely there are moments when the day is made brighter by my affection.. god i hope there are... thats a dismal thought - that you just tolerate me for the simple attention i give

Her:
well..
you do make me smile
but only sometimes

Kirk:
well i guess i have to smile about the thought of when i make you smile... you know me, the eternal optimist

Her:
of course

Fallen far enough

Days without Love are like days without life. But I persevere- knowing that days like this make me cherish the days when I do have love so much more. Not enough to want to keep it, I suppose (in a moment of honest reflection). But still..

Lauren always says I am a cold, cold bastard. And I am, on the inside. On the outside, I love so much, it takes up all my time. I have to be hard- I am not letting my guard down anymore. Love has almost killed me three times. And Life is all I have,now. So, I guess Love isnt THAT important, ??? Hell if I know. I have my love for my kids. At at this point, that's gonna have to be enough. Cause another broken heart would kill me.

So I will love, because thats my nature. I will love you- and you - and maybe you too. But I ain't going to FALL in love. Because I've fallen as far as I can.

Time Capsule... First date in forever

My first night out in, forever, and my blind date is drunk and passed out by 8:30. It was fun while it lasted, I suppose. Late afternoon lunch- Steaks at Texas Roadhouse- Then whiskey,coke,and conversation at Chip's sports bar. We then headed over to Scott and Tonya's house for a bbq. She was drinking 100 proof Southern comfort straight.

I guess I should be glad she's not one of those wild whiskey drinking women who can put the whole bottle away, lol.

Well, got her home and into her bed- and then I stayed up drinking, playing on facebook and listening to music. Addicted to some poprock tune by 30 seconds to Mars "From yesterday"

and its 2:15 on a crisp beautiful Sunday and I am glad I am alive, for once. I love my life today in fact. I feel like its charmed somehow. I am the master of my own destiny and sometimes i feel like most people are not and for that, I am grateful- to myself.

Thanks for having the balls to do it your own way.

I stopped in at Star comics, picked up a few simple items. Stopped and got a big ass Peace tea, a 12 pack of Bud light, and some Klemke's beef Jerky. 2 more hours of freedom before Amy and Rain return.

Gonna get off this damn computer now and breathe.

Fading Present, Vivid past

My head is crammed full of memories, some from many years ago. But they seem more lucid than even yesterday. Everything feels more faded in the present as days go by and the past becomes the only vivid thing I feel.

Hotel California

This is for Amy, who is learning to play this on guitar-

Duty to Conscience

There is always a duty to conscience.
(Which, (wink) in my case may not include morality).

Conscience is our waking earthly soul.
I've been accused of forgiving too freely.
I've been accused of not forgiving enough.
I've been accused of being too hard.
I've been accused of not being hard enough.

In the end, I forgive all others' transgressions against me- as I forgive myself for all my own transgressions to those around me.

Or, at least, I try. As Sir Thomas More strove not to condemn any man for their own conscience, so I do too. I try to let go of such selfish judgements and only hold to judging myself. What I will not allow is the muddying of my own conscience's waters. I must hold to my dearest inner convictions and act accordingly.

If I forgive Andrea - it is because of Amy and Rain.
If I forgive Lauren- it is because of Tristan.
Being estranged from my sons, it is a lot harder to forgive Trish. I am working on it. I only hope that she cannot poison their consciences as she has everything else.

But then, whatever their consciences become, I cannot worry overmuch. They are theirs, for only their own condemnations. It takes all my willpower and strength to hold to my own and reconcile my own sins.

Holding down the flames

Self Control is ALL that I have. Every day its a complete all-consuming struggle to quell my passions and calm my tortured soul.

I am winning. But sometimes I really, really, want to lose...

Picking Your Truth

Her evil grace:
I am feeling extremely 'needy' today

His Lordship:
Hmmmmm devil horns smiley
i live for these days you know

Her evil grace:
thank god

His Lordship:
your wish is my command

Her evil grace:
they told me when i woke up
"the truth will set you free"
have any idea what they meant? i am blinded, im sure

His Lordship:
Realizing the reality of what does matter will tear you away from the many prisons of focusing your energy on that which does NOT matter
Truth=Relevance
Falsehooods=Useless garbage that clouds a person's mind

But knowing truth can be a tricky thing
sometimes living with the truth can be more work than living a lie

Someone may embrace the "Truth" of giving themselves to their god and focusing only on that.
And that may make their minds less cluttered, give them focus, and take away all those decisions which dont factor in to the chosen "Truth"
And this may make their lives far easier.

Being a Slave to an ideal takes away all the complex choices.
Being a sheep saves you from truly independent thought

Living your life is a selective process in which YOU choose which ideals you enslave yourself to.

Truth is ALWAYS far more chaotic than Fake, than lies, than self-deception.

You decide which "truth" is YOUR truth. If you can't, then you are enslaved to your inability to pick a path.

So, pretty much, you're fooked.
either way

Conversations: Love in your head

Her:
i'm getting too carried away
i over analyze way too much
not that its a bad thing, at times, its not

Him:
i think that its a good thing 90% of the time
for anyone, not just you

Her:
for me, it brings doubt
doubt builds walls

Him:
Sometimes Doubt is the best thing you can have

Her:
it does make for a lonely world though

Him:
well doubt, not complete negativity.
trust is a concept most easily held by those who have never been hurt

Her:
oh for sure

Him:
Doubt is a lesson learned

Her:
but getting past doubt...

Him:
can be a hard thing...

Her:
definitely
brick wall

Him:
i throw up my brick walls and tear them down just as quickly, then before i know they are back again. My inner mind looks like a bombed out city

Her:
pure chaos

Him:
rooted in ever-rolling lava

Her:
my brick wall is a dead end - dead
i am unfamiliar with looking past things

Him:
i dont try to look to far ahead
i pretend that I will surely die before the future ever arrives
so i do the wrong things over and over again, because they feel so right in the moment

Her:
story of my life

Him:
some would ask- what is more important 1 lasting love or 100 fleeting ones...
and since deep inside i doubt the existence of a love that lasts, I absorb every bit of passion, joy and life from the ones i know that are doomed from the start...
but that simplifies it. Because I never know they are doomed. My Doubt tells me they are
but that one spark of hope that lights up my heart tells me this love IS Real. And this could be that "one magical forever" that all women tell me exists. Oddly enough no men talk of this.

Her:
Imagine that

Him:
I believe in Fantasies, that I do. Most men dont
Most women do.
Men in most cases need a woman to inspire them to a greater sense of love
they need someone to make them Believe- where a woman wants a man she can believe IN.
Thats my take on it. The right moment, the right touch, the right words, the right look - all of these can make me BELIEVE> and when i believe, damn, but i'm a believer.
The more you believe, though, the harder the crash
the further the fall
and I never learn, because when I lose myself in that belief, that is the ONLY time I am alive.

Her:
i hope you're saving this...?

Him:
um,.. (embarrassed)
i was just opening my blog...

Flinging myself

Her:
i could never handle you

Him:
not many can..
i am rare too, thank the gods

Her:
you are rare, rare....like toy dragons

Him:
what is that movie- with Keanu Reeves and the pretty blond girl
duh i know thats not much of a description
but she finds these sad men, or men who need her- and she beccomes their everything for a little while, then she guides them back into self-confidence and happiness and lets them go again

and then she finds someone new, to give love to

i want to be her

Her:
does she die in the end?

Him:
i think so, her reasoning was that she had terminal cancer

Her:
yes

Him:
my reasoning is just that I know that after my relationship expiration date i become the terminal cancer

Conversations II : Leading a man to water

Babochka:
make it


El Capullo:
...happen?
...go away?
...wet?
...all better?

go faster....


i assume that last one is the right one


Babochka:
eating breakfast....hold on
lol
not better yet
he did thank me for the great weekend.
ok....so am i crazy?
are you glad you don't love me


El Capullo:
for not being happy?

Babochka:
I'm just not happy....right now.

El Capullo:
i'm glad no one loves me
too much work

Babochka:
lol
i was happy on Thursday


El Capullo:
you are just disappointed

Babochka:
i guess

El Capullo:
you are a fiery personality- you give a LOT of yourself- and you demand as much in return

Babochka:
honestly...i wanted more touching me time and I didn't get it....and it makes me angry


El Capullo:
he's fricking old, girl...

Babochka:
we didn't have to be talking if you know what i mean
and close out

El Capullo:
one of gods little jokes
giving middle aged women the sex drive of twenty year old men
i guess theres some biological reason for that, but it just dont make sense to me... lol
don't get me wrong, I love it

Babochka:
lol
i don't love it so much
hold on.,....are you calling me middle aged?

El Capullo:
Well you know what to do to get immediate gratification
No, I would NEVER say that
people live to 100 now
so 50 is middle aged
you are post-adolescent
and going postal

Babochka:
thanks
it's all about that gratification
well, just for today...yesterday....and maybe tomorrow


El Capullo:
well, if it makes you feel just as angry at me- J was here five nights and we only did the deed 3 times all 3 times were very good, but there were two nights i just didnt have any desire to have sex with her

El Capullo:
now, that is probably a different matter tho, seeing as how i dont want her to get too attached, as well as the fact that I am not really sexually attracted to her
i was just lonely, and she is really really good to me.
i try to reciprocate in what she wants, but I have made it clear that we have no future relationship wise
i guess i am making myself seem like an ass here, but I am honest about everything

Babochka:
your not an ass

El Capullo:
with her especially.

Babochka:
although, I don't think i would have let her come out

El Capullo:
I know what she wants.

Babochka:
just gives false hope


El Capullo:
I know she thinks deep inside, that she will change me
all women think that stupid shit
it IS Stupid, too
no dancing around it.

Babochka:
exactly....i know you don't think you've given her anything to hope about but a girl can dream....and we do it big
no we don't


El Capullo:
well, most do=

Babochka:
i know i'll never change a person...i can only hope to open their mind but it is ONLY I that can change

El Capullo:
You cant change chemistry between people
and if someone really likes you- they really like you
period

Babochka:
i want someone to want me
i want those sweet nothings


El Capullo:
you cant change how you feel about someone on that level, no motter how much you think you want to
thats fine
i wish i could WANT something
i want that someone who does it all for me
turns me on, keeps me excited mentally, physically, and emotionally
but I realize i have to put forth effort to find that person, and right now, I have a full plate doing damage control on my last failed relationship

Babochka:
thank you for reminding me.......
he does all those things.....but he's not superman


El Capullo:
you have to let them fail every once in a while

Babochka:
one time i don't get it and i want a divorce.......dumb

Babochka:
i know it's the moon.

El Capullo:
its when he begins to fail you CONSISTENTLY that you have a problem
take a week to yourself, do something for yourself and yourself alone (if you can find the time and desire)
i know I need to take that advice

Babochka:
i think i willl
thank you for listening.....

El Capullo:
i am going to go visit my best f riend this weekend in Amarillo
i think

Babochka:
i needed you this morning

El Capullo:
well, i am glad i was there for you today
sorry i wasnt the other day

Babochka:
when?

Berryhill, Christopher K:
you tried to call me friday

Babochka:
i did
i forgot......
you fail me too

El Capullo:
i will fail you at least most of the time, in your expectations
but i will never fail you in the things i say i will do for you
if that makes any sense
i will be your friend
i will respect you, and tell you the truth

Babochka:
do you think i really am too hard to please

El Capullo:
i think we are a LOT alike
and I weigh all things, subconsciously
and I know I give EVERYTHING sometimes, so I expect a lot in return . I am so easy to please in the short term, but impossible to please in the long run
i dont think you are as hopeless a case as me
you just know what you want, and it frustrates you that HE doesnt pick up on these things automatically.
you know how men supposedly dont like maps?
We secretly love them, but we dont want you to know that we need them
Give him help- you dont have to spell it out, and dont have to bitch so much about it unless it becomes a bad habit on his part
but sometimes a woman's hints aren't very helpful
just remember men are stupid and need that extra nudge in the right direction

Babochka:
ok

El Capullo:
sometimes a man knows what you want, but still needs a little extra encouragement
You are a very strong woman
Some men cannot handle that
i love it
because sometimes I not only NEED that extra kick in the ass, I WANT it
not bitching but really to be LED

Babochka:
I guess there are somethings that you don't know that I can say.....I understand why he did that....because of things I've said

El Capullo:
this is probably the best advice i have ever given a woman

Babochka:
lol

El Capullo:
i'm serious
i should write this shit down

Babochka:
i know you are....that's why it's funny
blog it
again.....thank you

El Capullo:
naaah. you get the privilege of this secret
i dont want EVERYBODY knowing men's secrets and being happy
i bank on unfulfilled women, you realize
if all yall were happy, I'd be lonely again
thank YOU

Babochka:
you know all this is your fault because you said i was too happy
well there you go......you ruined my life!

,,,before the fall

Sometimes Pride is only thing that keeps me on my feet, day after day. It's a shame that this same pride causes me so much trouble with my friends and family.

I am afraid if I let the pride go, I'll fall apart.

Conversations about Death and afterlife

(a short conversation with R, after listening to some Amitabha Buddhist philosophy)

K:
Let my new spirit of patience and peacefulness extend to you in this, your time of need

R:
thank you....

K:
anyway- that Buddhism stuff is pretty enlightening. I could do without all the reincarnation and heaven-realms vs. hell-realms. i dont think there SHOULD be a reward in an afterlife.

R:
wonder what the afterlife will be like

are we old

K:
I believe that the truly enlightened thought should be that the reward for good karma is that life in the NOW is improved by the philosophy.

R:
young

do we start all over again

do we know who we knew here

K:
back to the dirt.

And another life replaces yours.

and your actions in life have either helped the world become a better place or a worse one. and the small piece of your evolutionary immortality is then complete.

or, passed on through all those subtle ways in which you have touched others who survive

so that they may in turn pass on those things to others

true humanitarian evolution

by centimeters, not miles

thats my theory, anyhow

Revolving doors

Her:
actually...
i do know what i want and wouldn't you know, its something i can never have

Him:
ah, pray tell! Let me know what this elusive thing is- so that I may know your heart's desire once and for all - and weep with you at its unobtainable misery!

Her:
i will never tell a soul

Him:
ah, so the circle closes, and it is my turn to stand outside Your door- and quietly whisper "let me in"
but you cannot hear my whisper
and the world around us both dies a little
...curtain falls

Her:
leave me out

Him:
beautiful
its a story. happening a million times every day. A never ending dance. A game that never has a final turn.

The biggest liar

“If I lie to you, will you love me again?”

and what is that from?
... just a line from a song i wrote..
i believe you
sometimes i feel so crazy
i scare myself because I AM so willing to throw it all away, for Her.
and it freaks me out and I tell myself that my heart is the biggest fkn liar of them all
she's no good when she's sober
and he's no good when he's drunk
quite a pair
it hurts so good
and its so bad
Two lovers, Two liars
the only thing that was real was the passion.
Sometimes for each other, but mostly for the ideal of it all.

And for the moment.
Always for the moment itself.

The heart was the biggest liar of them all.

Work sucks, I know

It's so frustrating working with intellectual inferiors, day in and day out, and catching shit for being arrogant simply because I pay attention and know the answers and these fucking women are so self absorbed that they can't be bothered to do their own fucking jobs and I know this is a big-ass runon sentence but I just dont give a fuck because i'm on a rant and these people irritate me to the point of violence.

I wish i could just tell them, ten times a day. I=CAN'T=HELP=IT=THAT=YOU=ARE=STUPID.

that is all.

The Blessings of the Damned

Wanted
Needed
Hated
Feared
Loved ?

Emotion is such a rare commodity to my heart that it floods me with Doubt. I hate myself because you make me feel like I am not good enough to be. And I fear you for making me feel like this.

And I fear myself if you ever give in completely.

Blessed
Damned
Desired
Fated ?

i don't want to hurt her any more than I have to.

why doesn't she believe me when I tell her we're through?

I just want to be free. She says she won't sign the divorce papers...

why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn't love them?

The longer she holds on, the longer she hurts herself.

I'm just being honest. I'm done.

Turn me loose. Me not coming back to you will probably be the best gift I can give you, Lauren.

Rain the wild child

Magick

From The Religion by Willocks:

She said, "Do you believe in magic?"

He took no offense at her shunning his tribute and replaced the viol on its stand. He did so with the precision of a man whose intimacy with the physical was natural and deep.

"I have no truck with incantations, sorcery, and the like, if that's your meaning," he said. "Such false arts stand on fancy and superstition- and as Plato said to Dionysus, 'Philosophy should never be prostitute to profane and illiterate men.' No. Magick takes her name from Ancient Persia, where a 'magician' was a wise man who expounded on the divine mechanics inherent in Nature. Men such as Zarathustra- or Hermes Trismegistus. The Egyptians considered Nature herself a magician. In that sense- there's nothing I believe in more heartily."

Of Secrets that never are told

When we Two parted - Byron

WHEN we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow—
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame:
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me—
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met—
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.

Walled in, walled out

I am so used to trying to be strong- that I cannot even allow myself a moment of weakness. I talked to my cousin Clark, today, hours before his father passed away. He explained that he couldnt feel. I knew exactly how that "felt". Our mothers died last year- two months apart. And now his dad was dying and he was feeling exactly like I am - Wishing he could feel something - other- than this need to stay resolute, this absolute necessity to stay strong in the face of adversity.

One tear is all I could muster today. I want to break down, I need some release. But my self-defense just won't let it happen.

My wife says I am cold.

She don't even know the half of it. I am dead inside, except for those moments that my kids remind me that I am alive.

I despise weakness. I despise losing. But I know I am lost forever if I can't find the strength to cry.

Goodbyes

Rest in Peace, Travis and Jim.
...

and life, such as it is... goes on.

...


You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.